To earwax is human

It is a problem suffered by many an imaginary character. Spock.  Yoda. The Speaker of the House. No, it is not the threat of Klingons. It is not the temptation of the dark side. And it is not the fallout from the suspended ZTE broadband deal. It is the often-crusty formation that clings to your second or third favorite orifice (your preference, really). It is earwax. 

Ear-Ratum

I have been requested by one of my female readers not to delve too deeply into the topic of earwax. This warning stems from the fact that, during a temporary fit of insanity, females are known to nibble on a man’s ear to express intimacy. But if there is any hint that they are also chewing on some waxy formations, they may just bite off that ear in true Mike Tyson fashion instead. But the truth must be told. No matter how crusty it may be. 

Although my three female readers will only admit this under a Senate investigation, they know that nothing can compare to the sense of accomplishment that one gains from a cotton swab filled with a Popsicle-sized share of earwax dangling precipitously from one end. Real men will look at that green/orange/brown/yellow- colored stain on the swab with a certain element of personal pride.  Real men will even shove that ear Popsicle an inch in front of another man’s face, wave it proudly and boast, “Kaya niyo ba ‘yan?”  Yes, there is nothing like scooping away enough ear debris to allow one to hear the flitting of mosquitoes 10 feet away. And sometimes, the excavation can be so thorough that you can even hear Sen. Miriam Santiago’s tirades regularly break the sound barrier. 

There must be a reason why earwax has been the misunderstood yet equally-ugly-looking stepsister to the kulangot. There must be a reason why we pick inside the nose all the time, but not inside the ear. Do we discriminate between bodily wastes from the face?   Could the discrimination lie perhaps in its vernacular translation, which evokes fear, particularly among male adolescents? Tutuli. 

Poor tutuli. She is often picked on, but sadly not picked on enough. 

But what happens after poor tutuli has been forcibly ejected from her hiding place? Can we use her to make candles? Can we use her as a hair product? Can we use her as a low-carb alternative to boogers?  There are many questions that are still left unanswered, and mostly for sanitary reasons. But, similar to Senate investigations, the debate must be started. Now, it is tutuli’s time to shine. 

To provide a shred of credibility for this column, I interviewed noted ear, nose, throat and bronchoesophagology (I pretended to know what that meant) specialist Dr. Ariston G. Bautista, who interjected snippets of medical wisdom on this sticky topic despite my interruptions.

RJ: Doc, thanks again for granting me this interview without parental supervision. Although I don’t understand why we started out this interview with a colonoscopy. Aren’t you an ear, nose and throat specialist?

DR. ARISTON G. BAUTISTA: I’ve read your column, hijo. It always sounds like you’ve got something stuck up where it doesn’t belong.  I thought I was doing you a favor.

Ah, thanks, Doc. I would’ve appreciated some lubrication though. So, Doc, is it true that the size of your ears correlates to the size of your—

Ay susmariosep. Sabi ko nga ba. I should have left that endoscope inside you until the end of the interview.

No, Doc naman. I was going to say the size of your earwax.  

I see. But I still should have left that endoscope inside. 

(This part is not entirely accurate. We didn’t start the interview with a colonoscopy. The colonoscopy happened during the course of the interview.) 

Doc, so what is earwax, really? Parang Transformers ba siya? Is it kulangot in disguise?

The skin of the ear canal contains a lot of sweat glands, particularly in the ceruminous glands. These glands are found only in the skin of ear canals. In effect, earwax is the sticky liquid secreted by the cerumen glands. 

I see, so it’s not ear dandruff, it’s ear pawis? 

Parang ganyan. But when earwax becomes dry after a while, nagiging parang dandruff yan. Nag-accumulate and then kumakati siya.  

Wow, from earwax to ear pawis to ear dandruff — it’s all-in-one! 

Try to contain your excitement, hijo.

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But tutuli is not only there to gross you out in three different ways, it is also there to  trap anything that flies, crawls or is blown into the ear canal. Dirt, tiny bits of plant material, small insects, bacteria, and coup plotters are immobilized by this wax. Think of earwax as being like those sticky Chinese fly traps that you used to lick as a child. Tutuli is so effective at trapping foreign objects that they even plan to use it at the Bureau of Immigration. 

I Like It Wet

And what makes tutuli infinitely more en-gross-ing is that it comes in so many shapes, sizes, and consistencies! In fact, haven’t you ever wondered why your earwax is either dry and flaky, or wet and gooey? (No, and for the love of God, please stop writing about bodily wastes! — Three female readers through their legal counsel.)  Well, let’s just say that you can always blame your parents for the quality of your earwax.

A new study in the journal Nature revealed that 80 to 95 percent of East Asians have dry earwax while 97 to 100 percent of people with African and European ancestry have basa earwax. Wet, smelly earwax is believed to be good for trapping insects, preventing dryness and even attracting the opposite sex. (Seriously. Smelly wax means that the ears are producing pheromones that make you smell better than you look.) Meanwhile, dry earwax is not well understood. Researchers believe that dry earwax evolved to be less smelly and sweaty, as a means for our ancestors to cope with the cold climate that they lived in. 

So, what does this research tell us? First, insects are building hives in our East Asian ears. Second, our East Asian ears are not sexually attractive. And, lastly, that earwax can be used as a tool for racial discrimination.

RJ: Doc, how come sometimes our earwax is dry and sometimes our earwax is basa?

DR. BAUTISTA: Kung matagal na minsan at nag-stagnate na yun, it dries out and flakes into pieces while some of it just stays there. 

(Gasp) I know some of my friends who are N.G.S.B. (no girlfriends since birth) who have had that problem — um, with their ears.

And when some people are sweating, nagmo-moist yun at lumalambot. 

You know doc, I really want to say something about your last comment, but I’m afraid that the MTRCB might be reading this.

Pick It, Pick It Good

There are those stubborn boulders of earwax that are deeply entrenched in your ear canal. You know those types of tutuli, right?  It’s the type that makes you itch inside your ear and it extends all the way to the back of your throat. The type that makes you want to shove a watusi firecracker into your ear and blow those boulders into so many tutuli chips.   

Although sticking a lit watusi into your ear might not be a recommended medical solution, is picking your own ears a better solution? Since you can’t get to that pesky piece of tutuli yourself without tearing open your second- or third-favorite orifice, would you want somebody else to tear open your orifice, este, I mean pick your ears? This is a very personal question, especially if it involves orifices. After all, would you let somebody else pick your nose (Aside, of course, from your yaya)?

RJ: Doc, from a medical perspective, what is more kadiri?  Picking your nose or picking your ears?

DR. BAUTISTA: What is more kadiri, hijo? You.

Since all your digits are probably too large to violate your ear canal, you may need some special assistance (and we’re not talking about your, um, pinkie toe). There are actually instruments that have been developed so you can pick out those slabs of dry wax from those hard-to-reach crevices that you have grown intimate with. First, you’ve got your ladle — a tiny spatula with wire to scrape out earwax and brain matter. Then you’ve got the double-purpose tooth/ear pick — one end of the pick is a ladle and the other end is a pointed tail. But sometimes people make the mistake of using the ladle to pick their teeth and the pointed end to pick their ears and they end up enjoying a little wax hors d’oeuvre. Or are they just claiming they made a mistake?

But if you want something with more horsepower than a wooden toothpick, then you can use (drum roll, please)… The Power Ear Picker with US Patent No. 20070009368. (Really.) And quoting from their patent description: “The Power Ear Picker is a practical personal hygiene aid to remove earwax accumulated in one’s auditory canal that is comprised of a motor to drive a fax to create air extraction to create vibration at a retainer extending at its front a picker in conjunction with an eccentric weight; a spoon portion being disposed to an opening at the front end of the picker to poke the earwax in the auditory canal; fallen earwax being sucked and collected by a strainer to facilitate subsequent cleaning.”

After reading this description of all the power poking, vibrating and sucking going on, I was wondering if there might be another purpose for this device. However, using this device means you also run the risk of giving yourself a lobotomy. But, hey, even if you don’t use it on your ears, you can always use it to fax.

You Ear What You Eat

And when you think about all these ladles and toothpicks, it leads you to the most en-gross-ing question of them all: Is earwax a part of a balanced diet? In fact, it has been recommended that if there has been a tutuli cave-in in your ear canal that you should apply a couple of drops of olive oil into you ear to soften the ear wax. And if that doesn’t work you can always try Mang Tomas. It’s good with everything. 

A more detailed chemical analysis of earwax reveals that it consists mainly of cholesterol, fatty acids and Squalene. Okay, so cholesterol and fatty acids may not be part of a balanced diet. But how about Squalene? Isn’t that what they extract from shark livers and sell in health shops? That means that eating your earwax could be like eating junk food fortified with vitamins!

RJ: Doc, what good is earwax for the ear?

DR. BAUTISTA:  It lubricates the skin of the ear and prevents it from drying and itching. It also has antiseptic qualities. Yung mga secretion has an enzyme that takes care of the infections in the ear.

Antiseptic qualities!? Wow! The same way that kulangot has antiseptic qualities?

Hijo, does your mom still spank you when you eat your kulangot? 

No, Doc, she doesn’t. She leaves it to my yaya. What I mean, Doc, is that a couple of months ago I wrote about an Austrian doctor who advocated eating your own dried mucus because of its antiseptic qualities that would help boost the immune system.

What drugs have you been taking? 

Um, none, Doc.

Maybe you should be. I can understand why you can accidentally eat your mucus. When air currents enter your mouth, the action of the hair cells called cilia propels the mucus to the back of the nose and it falls back to the throat.  Either you end up swallowing it unconsciously or you will spit it out. But with your ear, it will just have to come out. 

I see. So are you saying that you can’t eat your own earwax?  Or even somebody else’s?

Nurse! Please call security.

But if the earwax falls out of your ear and is somehow accidentally blown into your mouth, tell me what it would taste like?

(Sigh) It will taste salty. Is this interview over yet? We’ve already reserved a slot for you in the basement. You can taste your earwax down there.

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What, say my three female readers? You can’t take any more of this poking, prodding and partaking of the products of your cerumen glands?  Fine then. Back off. Or else you will face the wrath of my receding hairline. 

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For comments, suggestions or some power poking, please text PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers.  Or please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com.