Cougar love
No, I do not speak here of the animal, the puma concolor, which is a mammal of the Felidae family, native to the Americas; not of this large, predatory feline, which is the second heaviest cat in the world next to the jaguar.
For our purposes, “cougar” will refer to an older woman, usually in her late 30s or 40s, who sexually and actively pursues younger men. A capable stalk-and-ambush predator, nature’s cougar has a wide variety of smaller animal prey. But the cougar we speak of preys on younger men. The term was used most recently in the
Increasingly, the term “cougar” has evolved in popular culture to suggest something with negative connotations. Even in the progressive dating scene of our uber-modern times, it has come to refer to older women who prey on young, single, attractive men. They are often divorcees or career-driven, mature women who want to avoid the entanglements of a serious relationship. They are financially independent and enjoy feeling young and hip, and perhaps the delicious thrill of turning the tables on the tradition of older men scooping up trophy girlfriends.
Sheri de Borchgrave, a middle-aged former columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine, says: “I definitely see this trend among older women because they have such full lives. Rather than work on a relationship that might not go anywhere, it’s better to go younger and friskier… Plus, it is understood that it is not forever.”
De Borchgrave adds that life may even be imitating art, as shows like Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives have removed the stigma of oversexed older women. “They can be wonderful mini-relationships to revive the older woman and to give the younger guy a break from the really tedious hunt for a life partner,” says De Borchgrave, who now pens a column for Wine Adventure magazine. “For the guys, unless the woman is in their field, it’s not so much about being mentored. It’s not a teacher-student relationship. It’s the opportunity to have a no-nonsense approach to the bedroom.”
Linda Franklin, author of Boomers Making a Difference, is out to rehabilitate the image of cougars. She says, “Real cougars are women who are smart, capable, confident, fit, beautiful, sexy, accomplished and secure. The last thing they have time to do is go out late at night skulking after young men to pounce on. That image is just so ridiculous, it makes me laugh. Yes, it’s true, real cougar women are attracting younger men, but they are not doing the pursuing. We don’t have to. But if we choose to go down that road, a younger man could be the beautiful red bow on an already expertly wrapped package. A package that has taken years to perfect. The tag ‘Real Cougar’ should be worn proudly. It is the core of what we have worked so hard to achieve.”
Linda says that the most important attribute of a cougar is she’s a woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it.
What I see behind all these labeling and definition efforts is the real issue of age disparity between consenting adults in sexual relationships. Significant age differences in such relationships have been a feature in many cultures and societies and are known to offend the sensibilities of conservative, traditional and non-progressive folks. The most common pattern in heterosexual couples is an older man with a younger woman. Situations involving younger males with older females also exist, and while not as common, they have become considerably more common in recent years.
The unlikely couplings of high-profile
Let’s face it, there’s an obvious double standard. It has always been socially acceptable to see older men with younger women, but when an older woman is seen with a younger man, terms like “Mrs. Robinson” and “cradle snatcher” are whispered behind raised hands. But times are indeed changing; what used to be taboo is no longer so. Society is getting cozy with the idea of younger men dating and even marrying older women.
Let’s eyeball the figures. One third of US women over the age of 40 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years younger). According to a recent American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s, in fact, prefer men in their 40s.
The inevitable question — “Why would a woman want to date a man younger than her by 10 years or more?” — must be confronted. It’s not what you think — the stamina or fast “reboot” ability of the younger male, as legend has it, says Tina B. Tessina, a licensed family therapist practicing in Long Beach, California and author of The Official Guide to Dating Again. Women like the flexibility and sense of adventure of their more spontaneous, younger companions. The mature woman today is a lot stronger than she used to be and knows that just because she’s older, she isn’t sentenced to life in a rocking chair, spent knitting all day. A woman in her 30s or 40s is financially stable and emotionally and psychologically independent. She looks for younger men simply for companionship and to have fun with. Because of creative medical advances and wide availability of gyms and health clubs, a 30-, 40- or 50-year-old woman can now maintain a 25-year-old’s body, and few can tell the difference. She doesn’t care as much about what her nosy neighbors might say, instead focusing on what makes her happy.
Now the inverse question needs to be addressed: “Why would a young man want to date a much older woman?” Actually, younger men are said to have been attracted to older women for a long time; it’s just that today, these couples are no longer keeping it secret. Young men often find older women more interesting, adventurous, unafraid to experiment, fun to talk to, financially settled, and more adept sexually. Older women can take care of themselves; they don’t need to rely on a man for that. They don’t play the mind games that young ladies are wont to do. They are forthright with their intentions and expectations. With older women, young men know exactly where they stand and are given a chance to back out before they get themselves into compromising situations. These women want to be with someone who shares the same interests and they don’t want to worry about hang-ups. If a young man is embarrassed about the age difference, an older woman is not going to waste her time. She has been around the block, and would rather be alone than with someone for whom age is a problem.
Factors leading individuals on a search for a younger partner can vary wildly. One motivator may be the excitement and energy of a younger mate, which improves the personal well-being of the older partner. Some older partners may seek the connection with the culture of youth, maintaining a connection with the fashion, the music, the media, which their age group has ostensibly outgrown. Lastly, a common perception of younger mates is that they serve the purpose of “trophy” object or status; this motive is usually associated with males rather than females, as there are arguably fewer societal pressures on women to find an attractive mate.
Just what is the socially-acceptable age difference between partners? Some say that the rule of “half one’s age plus seven” probably applies here. This works out as follows: Let’s say one’s age is 50; take half of that, which is 25, and add 7, which equals 32. This means that a 50-year-old should comfortably date someone no younger than 32 to avoid being considered a social deviant.
I don’t know about this. Isn’t age just a number? Shouldn’t the person involved be the ultimate judge of what is and is not acceptable to him? Aren’t somebody’s personal affairs strictly his or her business? Shouldn’t we keep our noses out of others’ lives?
“We have strong ‘shoulds’ on ways of partnering up,” Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the
What we should concentrate more on is whether older women/younger men relationships, in fact, work. The key to making these work, Elliot says, is to match what she calls voltages. “Choose someone who is your voltage type — has the same level of intensity about life. If the voltages are different, one becomes the pursuer and one the distancer. This can create pain.”
Voltages are not a factor of age, she says. “What you don’t want,” she explains, “is one partner wanting to go out, the other wanting to stay in; one willing to talk, the other wanting space (and silence to enjoy it).”
There isn’t any one specific reason that more younger men are now dating older women. Maybe trying to zero in on an explanation is a waste of time. When two people get together and find out that they both enjoy each other, why should they let a little thing like age break them up? Isn’t life hard enough and complicated enough as it is?
Since we are speaking of cougars, here is a list of breeds:
Top cat: These cougars are at the top of the food chain — classy, rich, pampered and ultra hot. Think: Ivana Trump, Jerry Hall, Sarah Ferguson, Elle McPherson.
Slut cat: These cleavage-baring, twice-divorced alley cats can be found shooting pool, chain-smoking and gum-chewing at dive bars on Monday nights.
Euro cat: These sultry and sophisticated foreign felines have olive skin and sexy Spanish, Italian, or some other exotic accent to match. Think: Isabella Rosellini, Catherine Deneuve, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Joan Collins.
Buff cat: These gravity-defying fitness fanatics have the bodies of women half their age. Think: Madonna, Demi Moore, Jane Fonda.
Rock cat: You can spot these downtown rock and rollers by their bad-ass tattoos and leather jackets. They’re mother rockers who can party like it’s 1969. Think:
Here are a number of slang terms, other than cougar, that float around to describe pairings in which one individual is much older than the other:
Puma: A.k.a. young cougar, women usually in their 20s to early 30s.
BoyToy: A young boy or man who is in a relationship with an older woman.
Haguar: Refers to an unattractive older woman, usually upwards of 50, who is perpetually on the hunt for much younger men.
Merlin: Refers to an older man, usually in his 50s or 60s, who sexually pursues younger women. This originates from the aged wizard Merlin who fell in love with the much younger Nimue.
Chickenhawk: Describes an older gay man who pursues younger males, i.e., “twinks,” “chickens” or minors.
Robbing the Cradle: A situation in which an older individual partners with a younger one.
Robbing the Grave: Refers to the opposite situation, where the object of affection is an elderly person.
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E-mail the author at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.
