It’s my turn, ayt?

Verbal flirting is an art. Much like Ultimate Fighting Championship is an art. There are unspoken rules that govern each of these encounters — no attacking the groin, no running away, and, most importantly, no spitting on your opponent. After all, the most enjoyable conversations that you’ve had were not only spontaneous, but also involved very little spitting (unless the situation called for it). So when it comes to small talk, it is best that we men understand these unwritten rules so that we can converse more fluently, flirt more successfully and avoid being attacked in the groin.

The first thing men must be aware of when it comes to small talk is that women are more skilled at it than men. This is quite obvious to men who have been caught in the crossfire of a spontaneous all-female chikahan. If any normal sexually unambiguous man attempts to follow a non-linear, multi-tasking and multi-talking conversation between members of the female species, he runs the risk of a nervous breakdown. And this is not only because woman have evolved and become more adept with their communication skills. It is simply because men are plain idiots.    

No, really.

According to Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, speech and language skills cannot be found in the male brain. In fact, magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans of men’s brains conducted at the Institute of Psychiatry in London revealed that when a man speaks, the left hemisphere of the brain searches in vain for an area in his head where speech should come from. But the MRI is more likely to find the videoke of Alyssa Alano singing Keys Meeh in the male brain than to find a faulty area in his head for speech. This is the reason that men tend to mumble more and also have sloppier pronunciation than girls. They also often use fillers in their conversations such as "ummmms," "ooowws" or that hip-hop expression which is an abomination to the English language, "Ayt." (Editor: For the uninformed, this is a one-syllable contraction of the words "all right.")

And if that wasn’t, ummm, enough, men aren’t really capable of listening to women unless the words "beer," "free" and "sex" form part of the conversation. Men are not capable of both listening to and conversing with women without suffering an aneurysm. This is because when a woman talks to a man, he is simply so shell-shocked that she is speaking to him in spite of his opening line that he has to quickly think of what to say. To do that, he has to delete all those thoughts in his head that have to do with "beer," "free" and "sex." And "free sex." Which leaves him with nothing left to say except for "ayt."



But like housebroken pets, men can be trained to engage in small talk, especially if you smack our behinds with a rolled-up newspaper. Men who go through the trouble of improving their conversational skills have a leg up in the flirting game. Hey, these men even get past two sentences. So before you open the orifice that is your mouth, here are some ground rules in conversation that are more sound than Victor Wood running for senator (No, really).

But enough about me, let’s talk about me. The book The Shy Guy’s Guide to Dating tells us that people who are good conversationalists usually talk about themselves. So when you are talking to a woman, simply talk about yourself. Make your life sound interesting even if you don’t have one. Remember, when you meet a woman for the first time you are trying to BYOB (be your own bugaw). You have to figure out what you can offer her that no other BYOB can. What are the qualities that you have which make you stand out? Take some time to think about it. Are you smart? Are you funny? Do you have a third nipple? Do you still own a pair of pleated pants? Do you tuck your T-shirt into your underwear? Do you have cable TV? Will you vote for Victor Wood (no, really)? And most importantly, do you have a lot of money? And if you don’t, do you at least have a credit line?

During your Q&A, you might get her to reveal a little something about herself, and she might even ask you some questions about your own life, which implies she may be interested in you. Or that she might include you in her pyramid network-marketing scheme.

I’ll make mine as long as yours. The basic rule of small talk is simple: try to make your contribution to the conversation roughly equal to that of your partner. However, for the socially inept, this poses more of a challenge. How do they know it is finally their turn to start talking? Do they need plumes of exploding smoke and confetti while back-up dancers sing their name to serve as their cue? According to the Social Issues Research Center, the center that helps socially inept people fake a social life worldwide, achieving this reciprocity in conversation requires an understanding not only of the etiquette of turn-taking but also of basic math.

One study found that the length of an average pause between speakers during small talk was 0.764 seconds. If a man cannot think of any reply that is insightful, witty and of world-changing significance within that allotted period of time ("ayt" doesn’t count), then a laugh track will come on as the man will be unceremoniously escorted out of the conversation by the back-up dancers while being heckled by the istambays at the bar. But this is only to give another socially inept man a chance to make small talk with the lady.

Turn around, bright eyes (every now and then I fall apart…). Aside from the verbal pauses, there are also various non-verbal signals women use to indicate that they have finished what they are saying and that it is finally your turn to speak. These signals include:

Eye contact. A woman will often look away from you while she is speaking (because she is looking around the room to see if there is a less socially inept man that she can be talking to in the room). So when she finally looks back at you because she has no choice, it is an indication that it is your turn to speak.

Vocal signals. When you hear a woman speak with either a rising or falling intonation, especially when accompanied by a drop in volume, this is a cue that she is ready to let you speak. These vocal signals are also accompanied by verbal signals, such as trailing off into meaningless expressions like "’di ba?" or "ayt" or "Dear Lord, why am I still talking to you?"

As a general rule, the more of these non-verbal signals that occur simultaneously, the more likely it is that the woman has finished speaking and expects you to speak. As you learn to watch and listen for these signals, it will not only help prevent you from interrupting a woman as she talks about something as fascinating as nail polish, but it will also help you avoid those awkward 0.764-second gaps in the conversation. And think of it this way: If you are able to keep up with the give and take of the conversation, your prize for that evening will be her cellphone number and a chance to BYOB again with her tomorrow night (assuming she gave you the right cellphone number). But if you fail to pick up on these non-verbal signals and constantly interrupt her while she talks about the different shades of nail polish, you will not get her cellphone number. Instead, you will go home with a consolation gift pack from Ellen’s House of Beauty Cosmetic Center and Vulcanizing Shop, and a beauty soap that can also double as a detergent.

However, there is always an exception to all these turn-taking rules of small talk. And that exception is when you are me. Sometimes, I don’t really give the woman a chance to speak. How can I BYOB if she doesn’t give me a chance to hog the conversation? I happen to find myself extremely amusing. After all, if I don’t find myself amusing, how else can I convince others that I am amusing as well? I am often told that talking about yourself the whole time can be a big turn-off and that I can be perceived as arrogant and unpleasant. I don’t know anybody else who has found me this way except for the hundred or so failed dates that I have had. But it was either that or they didn’t like it when I suddenly pulled up behind the line of cars waiting for the Valentine’s Day buffet at Victoria Court.

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For comments, suggestions or if you want to BYOB, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com.