It’s a raining, aren’t they?

As persistent as the Mano Po sequels, the pickup line is back and newly regurgitated!

For the men who have followed this column more closely than a woman wearing a skirt that ends three inches below her waistline, this is what we have learned about the pickup line:

1. Delivering a pickup line is as pleasant to a man as taking a suppository.

2. Hearing a pickup line is as pleasant to a woman as swallowing a suppository.

3. The more sexual innuendo a man packs into his pickup line, the more likely the possibility that a man will be violently detached from his testicles.

4. Pickup lines are only meant to amuse your friends who are as pathetic as you. Anyone who thinks they are amusing enough to use on a woman should endure public humiliation on American Idol (or worse yet, Philippine Idol).

5. Pickup lines are best thought of as "icebreakers" – opening statements where the clueless man pretends to be soliciting information that he doesn’t really need (i.e. "Weren’t you girlfriend of the month?").

Incidentally, I had one reader who took issue with the "icebreaker" line of 1975 ("Do you have the time?") when I asserted that men who use this line continue to perpetrate the fashion crime of pleated pants. He writes: "Ouch, I was freshman at UP in ’75. Though double-knit flairs were generally not pleated. The pleats came in with gabardines a few years later along with faded glory and bang-bang jeans."

Aside from justifying his Ariel & Maverick-inspired fashion sense, his e-mail managed to prove one thing: forty-something and progressively hairless men are looking for more effective "icebreaker" lines because they are coming after our young women. And, more importantly, what is up with those suggestively named bang-bang jeans!? Were these men snorting powdered detergent in the ’70s? Was there even powdered detergent in the ’70s? Have these older men no shame? We thirty-something and progressively hairless men already have enough problems with other guys coming after our young women as it is (and by young we mean above drinking age but before working age). Stop these older men before they suffer cardiac arrest.

Luckily enough, the social ineptitude that is the pickup line has not yet led to the single male epidemic that has beset the more developed countries. Take the United Kingdom, for example. In recent dating history, British men have had as much success as Mr. Bean in hooking up with women and so their government had to intervene. In fact, Her Majesty’s civil servants established the Social Issues Research Center and spent the equivalent of the GNP of a small African country to develop the innocuously named document, "The SIRC Guide to Flirting."

According to the "SIRC Guide," men are just way too obsessed with the issue of the "opening line." Men use up what little brain activity that has not been destroyed by alcohol and pornographic material to develop an "opening line" that is more original than a Quiapo DVD. However, delivering an original opening line is much like finding a virgin in showbiz: you’re never quite certain if it was her first time.

Quite frankly, all the effort spent on striving for an original "opening" line is as futile as celebrating People Power 2 – it doesn’t get you anywhere. The guide tells us that no woman expects such lines to be original, witty or elegant unless she is being paid to think so. But the best graft-free "opening lines" are those that, quite simply, can be recognized as attempts to start a conversation. "But RJ!" my army of thirty-something, progressively hairless men lament, "How do I deliver an innocent opening line that welcomes small talk? All the opening lines I know directly or indirectly involve the use of my gonads." Ah, my padawans, opening lines should be:

• Benign. (Example: "That’s a nice watch, where’d you get it?" or "I have been watching you from afar with high-powered binoculars and sacrificed several chickens to the lower demons so that I could muster up the courage to approach you. Oh, and I like your watch, where’d you get it?")

• Almost harmless. (Example: "My parents suspect I’m gay because I haven’t had a date in five years. Don’t you think that’s pathetic?")

• Slightly concerned. (Example: "That wasn’t you in that sex scandal video, was it? You know, I don’t think they got your best angle.")

• Non-threatening. (Example: "Hi, I will not slit my wrists if you talk to me.")

• Non-intimidating. (Example: "Hi, I know pala exactly where you live. Do you want me to tell you what time you leave the house in the morning?")

• Non sequitur. (Example: "Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?)

These opening lines have always worked for me when I practiced them in front of the mirror.

The biggest screw-up with an opening line is if you head straight to flirtation rather than just simply trying to start a conversation. Avoid this shift in strategy to save your crotch from being turned into a punching bag. If you want an opening line that’s more certain than wide-scale cheating in the next elections, then the SIRC has developed a "standard" opening line formula called the Impersonal Interrogative Comment (IIC). The IIC is the set of Shazam magic words that will unlock conversations more effectively than the DILG’s ability to remove erring local executives. And the officially sanctioned comment is:

"Isn’t it?"

(I know, it sounds as interesting as watching a pimple dry up and fall off. But if you deviate from this standard comment in Britain, the police will happily beat you with nightsticks before they force you to eat kidney pie.)

Just add these two magic words to any general, impersonal comment that you can make on an event, activity, circumstance, or surrounding, and the SIRC guarantees that you will become more popular than Prince William. This is because the non-personal nature of the comment makes it unthreatening and non-intrusive; and the questioning tone of "Isn’t it?" invites a response but it is not as demanding as a direct and open question. And if you think the comment "Isn’t it?" sounds a bit too presumptuous, then you can try "’Di ba?" And for those who are comfortable with their masculinity, you can use "charing."

Now unless you want to be chuk chak chenes’d, you can’t build any conversation on charing alone. You need an opening statement that will be recognized as a friendly and benign invitation to start a conversation. If possible, this statement should reveal something about the woman you will inflict verbal damage on, express her level of interest in you, and even indicate that you may have something in common. When you have developed a statement like this, you can find out if the woman is reacting positively to your comment even if the woman is not your mother. For example, the British way of starting a friendly conversation with a woman who is not related to you is "Nice day, isn’t it?" Once this conversation starter escapes your lips, there are several elements you should look for in the woman’s reply:

Length. If she replies to your comments with a reply of the same length or longer, this is a good sign (i.e. "Yes, now get away from me.").

Personalized response. If she includes the word "I," this is an even more positive sign (i.e. "Yes, now I will call the police.").

Personalized response to a personalized question. A response including the words "I" and "you" is the most positive of all (i.e. "I will call the police if you do not get away from me right now.").

More importantly, all these replies indicate a common interest between the man and the woman. And that is concern for personal safety.

Note, though, that while talking about the weather might work for Austin Powers, it might not work for Agent X44. So what is the equivalent of this conversation starter in the Philippines?

The answer lies with Kuya Boy.

On Sundays, my yaya ties my hands to my bed so I cannot change the channel while she is watching The Buzz (I reluctantly watch it for the pop culture references. And, God help me, for Kris Aquino). In the Philippines, showbiz tsismis is the best way to start a conversation with any Filipino woman. Trust me, if you are updated on your chikka (i.e. "[Actor X] broke up with [Actress Y] because he’s really going out with [Sugardaddy Z], ‘di ba?"), you will get any woman talking to you more than a politician seeking reelection even if she likes you as much as a politician seeking reelection.

But, my thirty-something, progressively hairless brethren, there is still a last bastion of male dominance where the pickup line a.k.a. opening line a.k.a. death sentence can be used without fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. And fear of vasectomy. The only fear that the man will be confronted with will be the cost of the ladies’ drinks. Charing.

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For comments, suggestions or if you know the mystery behind bang-bang jeans, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com.