Arrested development

They are a dime a dozen. These grown men we see around who look, talk, and behave like adolescent boys. They mostly dress up in "hip" clothes, in an effort to look younger than their actual age. They are always out on the town, freewheeling and soaking up all the fun that can be possibly had, toting the requisite paraphernalia "toys," like exotic cars, powerful motorcycles, guns, and/or gorgeous women. They seem to have no worries because they don’t have regular, stable jobs to stress them out. They have no behavioral boundaries, lead unstructured lives and are accountable to no one. These men are the poster boys for the Peter Pan Syndrome.

The term "Peter Pan Syndrome" has been used informally by both lay people and pop psychologists since the 1983 publication of Dr. Dan Kiley’s book, The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up.

It is a term used to describe men who become "stuck" or are simply unwilling to move on from the childhood/adolescent phase of life, refusing to give up the benefits and the carefree-ness that this period brings. In other words, the Peter Pan Syndrome is a commitment to non-commitment!

The type of man who is afflicted with this is usually immature and narcissistic (self-obsessed). He has distinct attributes that include underachievement, which causes low self esteem; irresponsibility or an inability to hold down a stable occupation; anxiety, brought on by his disorderly lifestyle; loneliness, in spite of always surrounding himself with cohorts also known as his "Lost Boys" (or, to put it in more 20th century terms, "Rat Pack"); escapism, or a constant denial of his state of dysfunction; and rebelliousness with which he deceives himself as being above the laws of society.

The Peter Pan Syndrome is more pronounced in men who come upon money not by merit but by circumstance, i.e. inheritance, marriage, but never, ever through diligence. Their financial capacities allow them to lead extravagant and ostentatious lifestyles showcasing, even more clearly, the symptoms outlined here.

Someone who immediately comes to mind, given that he has been plastered all over the different media these days, is Kevin Federline, a.k.a. K-Fed or Mr. Britney Spears. His relentless clubbing, drinking, girl-trawling, and spending sprees are exhibits A, B, C and D for the Peter Pan Case. Another classic Peter Pan figure, although he did earn his own money, is Michael Jackson who comes complete with his own "Neverland" and endless supply of "Lost Boys." Did somebody say Jude Law? George Clooney? Colin Farrell? Charlie Sheen? McCaulay Culkin? You be the judge.

I believe there are other names that may be used interchangeably with the Peter Pan Syndrome. Since we are talking here of dysfunctional childhoods, which cause a slew of other personality disorders, it may also be synonymous with the DOM (dirty old man), the commitment-phobe, the rebel without a cause, the bad boy or the black sheep.

According to Dr. Kiley, "Peter Pan" is a little boy who, when in a relationship or in seeking a relationship, acts out a need for mothering. This is where the "Wendy Syndrome" comes into play. "Wendy" is the adult little-girl role – a woman who takes on a mother role, who is tolerant and permissive to a fault. Contributing to the other half of a co-dependent couple, her responses to the Peter Pan male, according to Dr. Kiley, are overprotection, possessiveness, constant complaining and self-imposed martyrdom.

These, then – the Peter Pan and Wendy Syndromes – become cyclical, co-dependent, destructive relationships that perpetuate one another.

There are many theories on what causes these. There is a school of thought that claims unhappy childhoods produce men who refuse to grow up. Others say that inept and improper mothering (over-protectiveness) prevents boys from crossing the threshold into adulthood. Others, still, say that selfish mothers who are unable to let go of their sons purposely withhold the teaching of coping mechanisms, thus raising them to be emotionally handicapped boys who become fearful of striking out on their own; or even worse, boys who are not even aware that there is a need to do so.

What to do? Simple! Separate Peter Pan from his Wendy; take the parasite away from the host.

Yeah, right! Easier said than done? Very True. But right now there seems to be no other option less drastic than this one. For as long as these two characters stay together, there is little hope for progress. Yes, it is doable, albeit bloody and painful. Going back to K-Fed, Britney finally got fed up, so he is now Fed-Exed!

We all need to run our existing relationships through reality checks, whether they are mother-son, husband-wife or boyfriend-girlfriend. If we do not wish to populate this earth with Peter Pan leaders who will run our nations and father little replicas of themselves who, in turn, will make Wendys out of all our women, and vice versa, then we need to start chopping off the apron strings right now.

The next time you chance upon an "overgrown boy" or a "kidult" surrounded by his "Lost Boys," you can be dead certain that there is a Wendy not far behind. And if she is nowhere near him, she is probably waiting patiently at home.