Billy Jean is not my lover

Live, from North Korea! It’s the underground nuclear missile test and Part 3 of the "Pinoy Male Fashion Faux Pas" series – both are bombs that should be universally condemned.

According to the book Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Need More Shoes, the shape of the female form purposely evolved as a roaming sexual signaling device to attract male attention. Otherwise, if women didn’t evolve in this fashion, then men (who wouldn’t know what to do without their devices) would have ended up fiddling with themselves and that would have been the end of the human race as we know it. And because men needed all the help they could get, female fashion also evolved to catch the eye of a potential suitor by emphasizing the woman’s sexual signaling devices. (Latest pick-up line at a bar: "Hey baby, that’s a nice sexual signaling device you’ve got on…")

However, male fashion did not evolve in the same manner. In fact, male fashion was originally intended to show off social status or to frighten away enemies. Take, for example, 17th-century Europe: aristocrats often adorned themselves with humongous wigs and ostentatious clothing that would put the average 17th-century European woman and Kuya Germs to shame. I don’t know about you, but if I saw a big white European man approaching me dressed in a flowing mauve dress topped by a matrona-sized wig, I would definitely piss into my pleated pants.

This is because, unlike women, men’s bodies didn’t evolve as sexual signaling devices (that is, if they have evolved at all). So women will never see men as sex objects as much as we would like them to – clothes on or clothes off. Apparently, when happy-hour-loving, 30-situps-a-month men like us don tight-fitting muscle shirts to show off our curvaceous love handles and drooping male nipples, this does not turn women on (but it does turn their stomachs). Lord knows how many women I’ve forced to stare at my one pack of monay abs, but to no avail.

So to save women from the tragedy of drooping male nipples, there are the Pab Payb fashion editors of Manual, Mega, Meg, Girlfriend and Lifestyle Asia who will tear down your wardrobe screw-ups faster than the MMDA taking down billboards along EDSA.

Where, oh, where is my bellybutton? (a.k.a. the rise of high-waist pants). Unless your bellybutton is located along the same line as your nipples, your pants should not wrap around your armpits. This type of fashion faux pas should be avoided like nursing review centers. "The pinnacle of all fashion catastrophes," laments one of the Pab Payb, "is still wearing trousers that ride high on the waistline or, unimaginably, not knowing one is wearing such." Those blissfully unaware of the location of their waistlines are also considered fashion comatose and, as per the medical instructions of the Pab Payb, all life support should be withdrawn from them.

But more importantly, if men persist in wearing high-waisted pants, then women will be unable to check out their nice, taut derrieres (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet). Dr. Devendra Singh, a leading US neuropsychology professor, discovered that women find male hips with a 90-percent waist-to-hip ratio appealing. However, the appeal only works if the men have discovered where their waistlines are located.

Solution: "Who knows?" speculates our Pab Payb editor. "High-waisted pants might just be resurrected from oblivion the same way the President might just heed the call of the people to step down from public office." So unless you are taking fashion cues from Humpty Dumpty, the Pab Payb strongly suggest that you "keep your pants low on the crotch and snug on the bum (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet) to look chic, polished and, most importantly, updated." However, if you insist on keeping those high-waist pants, the only place that you will be able to pick up members of the opposite sex will be inside a carton of eggs.

Bag-a-booboo (a.k.a. baggy shirts and baggy jeans). Face it. You will never play for the NBA. And it’s not just because you stand head-to-knee with Shaquille O’Neal. But trust me, wearing a baggy NBA team shirt that can fit a whole barangay inside will only endear you to the shirt manufacturers, but not to the NBA recruiters. And the Pab Payb find it hardly attractive if they can see only your fingers protruding from the armholes of your Miami Heat shirt.

According to Why Men Lie and Why Women Cry, the number-two turn-on among women is broad shoulders, chest and muscular arms. These physical attributes intuitively signal to a woman that he is in good health, can successfully catch fast food, and ward off invasions by network marketers. In other words, the women want to see a body shape through your shirt, and not a shapeless body. Unfortunately, the only thing women can see when you are wearing a baggy shirt is your desire to become the size of a sumo wrestler.

As for baggy pants, the Pab Payb issued a stern warning: "Unless you’re a hip-hop superstar who has the attitude, I’m sorry, but you must be kicked severely in the groin, have gerbils claw their way into your orifices, be dunked in the Pasig River and then have electricity shot through your genitals if you insist on wearing baggy jeans. And after that the real pain begins." But if you earn more money than 50 Cent, Jay-Z and (God help us) MC Hammer combined, then you have every license to walk around Manila with nothing but solid-gold dollar-sign necklaces and nipple piercings.

The trend towards baggy pants is alarming: I haven’t seen so many saggy bottoms on people aside from the clients lining up outside the Belo Medical Clinic. But if baggy (and high-waist) pants-wearing men want to be ogled by women, not ridiculed, then these men should realize the importance of prominently displaying their backsides (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet). Next to broad shoulders, chest and muscular arms, a small, compact bum is the favored attraction by women regardless of age, marital status and waistline. Just ask my yaya. However, ask women if they understand the magnetic attraction behind a man’s behind (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet) and they will be clueless as the Ombudsman is in rendering sound verdicts. So ladies, if you want to know the truth, read the following at your own risk: Why Men Don’t Have A Clue and Women Need More Shoes asserts that a tight, muscular rear (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet) is attractive because it provides greater, um, thrust and thus a more effective chance at increasing voter population. A man who gives the impression that he has a flabby (or in the case of baggy pants, inexistent) posterior (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet) will make females instinctively think that he lacks the ability to thrust and that his efforts will only result in ghost voters. So the next time you contemplate buying a pair of baggy pants, think instead of investing in silicone enhancements for your butt (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet).

Solution: If there is anything we have learned from the apocryphal tale of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," it is that everything should come in moderation. "Too large shirts say untidy and unkempt. Shirts are the easiest thing to wear and are flattering for most guys. The outfit is all about proportion. The right shirt will end just below the waistband, or up the middle of the pants’ zipper. Anything longer should be tucked in to keep looking neat, anything too short should be donated to underprivileged macho dancers," chimed in one of the Pab Payb editors. "I like shirts that fit well. It’s more flattering to Pinoy males because most of them are not blessed with tall genes. Short guys tend to look like midgets in big, ‘oversized’ clothes."

Added a politically correct Pab Payb editor: "Baggy pants are a no-no as well. Opt for pants that fit. Slimmer pants, whether denim or slacks, looks better on anyone. These pants are modern in style and say that you are conscious enough about your body to wear something that fits well and looks stylish. Do not wear clothes that make you look like you are wearing Shaquille’s hand-me-downs."

The Pab Payb recommends that you not only know your correct size but also wear clothes that flatter your body and your height. But if you insist on wearing baggy shirts and pants, that is perfectly fine. The Pab Payb recommends that you find a way to have that baggy shirt cover your face as well.

Billie Jean is not my lover (a.k.a. the evil of white socks with leather shoes). In grade school, it was okay to wear white socks with black leather shoes. But in grade school, it was also okay to be uncircumcised. It was funny and awkward and we didn’t really mind being in this condition in the years prior to pubic hair. However, once you persist in both fashion styles after puberty has commenced, you are just asking for public humiliation, defamation and defecation. The universe will conspire to keep you impotent if only to prevent this fashion faux pas from being passed on to the next generation.

But let me just ask: What were you trying to match those white socks with!? At least in grade school, they still matched with your uniform. But now that you have hair in all the right (and sometimes wrong) places, what are you matching with? The whites of your eyes? Your teeth? Your yaya’s white uniform? (No offense, yaya). Even if you grab your crotch and sing in falsetto, white socks with leather shoes will never be in fashion. The only bright side to this fashion death sentence is that Michael Jackson will invite you for a sleepover at his Neverland estate. And then you will find another use for a white sock.

Solution: "Socks are, in principle, undergarments, thus are not meant to be seen," the Pab Payb warned us. "However, contemporary fashion has revolutionized the socks in an assortment of styles, including fabrics and patterns, making them a fashion statement in itself. This, nevertheless, does not take into account the abomination that is tidy whites. Use them only when engaged in sports and when wearing white athletic shoes." You can also use those soon-to-be-discarded white socks as butt enhancements if you cannot afford silicone at this time.

The Pab Payb recommend that you match your socks with either your pants or your shoes or wear a "transition" color between your pants and shoes. But if this advice still proves to be too complicated, this does not mean that you can go sockless. Aside from reasons of hygiene, the Pab Payb will get Miami Vice on your ass (or in Pinoyspeak, pwet).

For those who haven’t had a date since you were forced to take your cousin to the JS prom, let’s recap the fashion f&*(-ups that will qualify you for chemical castration: monochromatic dressing, pleated pants, too much hair gel, sunglasses indoors, basketball sneakers as part of casual wear, muscled shirts on non-muscled men, cellphone on the belt, high-waist pants, baggy shirts and baggy jeans, and white socks with leather shoes. The only things you will end up attracting are flies, bad karma, Kuya Germs and Michael Jackson.

And remember, you want women to admire your pwet, but not end up looking like one.

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For comments, suggestions or if you know a cheap supplier of silicone enhancements, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com.