What turns women on?

There are things that, despite ourselves, we will eventually figure out. The CBCP stand on impeachment. Zinédine Zidane head-butting Marco Materazzi. The North Korean missile crisis. Peace in the Middle East. Maybe even the winner of the 2004 national elections.

And then there is what makes Martians appealing to Venusians. Are men nowadays still worth bearing children for? Aren’t women wondering why God hasn’t yet gifted them with the ability to reproduce asexually?

Figuring out what turns men on is as mind-boggling as operating a rotary phone. According to relationship experts Barbara and Allan Pease, women’s bodies have evolved as a sexual signaling device that radiates messages to men about their potential to increase the country’s voting population. Apparently, the manufacturers of Coca-Cola have also applied these signaling devices to their soft drink bottles (which explains their sustained popularity). However, what turns women on is a more complex process, much like operating a newfangled cell phone whose features you aren’t really sure of, but you are sure that these features will somehow improve your life. Unfortunately, the instructions for these features are written in ancient Sumerian.

Just what makes women’s turn-ons more complicated than the Middle East peace process? This all has to do with ovulation – a word as alien to men as commitment. For those of us weaned in all-boys’ Catholic schools, the closest we ever got to sex education was when our grade-school classmates would sneak in dog-eared copies of their dad’s Penthouse magazines (Miss March 1983 was one of my favorite Physical Education teachers). As a result, most men are as clueless about the menstrual cycle as the government is about why Jocjoc Bolante is incarcerated in California. Men can probably figure out how to fix their cars by hitting the engine repeatedly with a wrench, but are likely to be dumbfounded if you ask them just how ovulation works. This is because all men really want to know, as far as the female reproductive system is concerned, is what are the results of THE test (reaction to the results is dependent on whether or not he is wearing a wedding ring).

So, just what is ovulation? What is menstruation? And, for that matter, what is a vasectomy and why does my girlfriend threaten me with one every time I glance at gravitationally-challenged women? For those of us who are menstrually oblivious, ovulation is the process in the menstrual cycle wherein the ovary releases an egg. It is during this crucial time in a woman’s cycle that single men are advised to best stay home and take really cold showers. (Test takers take note: the best time for conception starts from five days before ovulation up to the day of ovulation. Do with this information as you will, but don’t show it to your mom. She might think this is Dr. Margie Holmes’ column.)

Aside from the impromptu sex-ed lesson (I hope Igan D’ Bayan doesn’t complement this article with an ovulation illustration), the more important thing to remember about ovulation is that women’s preferences in men shift towards a more primitive drive to find a suitable partner. You see, during simpler times (way before the discovery of roll-on deodorant), women were turned on by healthy and virile club-wielding masochists who could pummel dinosaur chickens into nuggets for her and her children. Today, however, women want more than dinosaur nuggets; 21st-century women want something that their female ancestors never had: that is, a man who will fulfill her emotional needs. (I blame Oprah squarely for this.)

Thus, the female brain is hardwired to look for two opposite requirements – hardness and softness. Hardness once meant her chosen mate displayed virtues that would provide the best possible genetic inheritance for her offspring and give them a greater chance of survival. If you are at a loss for examples of hard men, think Robin (not Rustom) Padilla, Bong Revilla, and of the man who probably has slain his share of dinosaur chickens – Eddie Garcia. Or remember that guy in high school who was the first one to develop armpit hair? The guy who hid your jockeys while you were all changing in the locker room so that you had to play basketball in your jock straps? The guy who was on the verge of flunking out of school yet was a hit at all the soirees and high school dances? Yes, that jerk. I still hate him, but these are the type of men women want when they are ovulating.

Women want men with hyper-masculine features during the peak of their ovulation: deep-set eyes, low-set eyebrows, a large chin, very hairy bodies and a deep, husky voice. So not only should you look like a cross between Frankenstein and a werewolf, but you must also sound like Vin Diesel (or Benjie Paras). This is the reason why champion boxers, weightlifters and aging comedians are often able to bag the jaw-dropping model-type women.

Aside from being magnetically attracted to someone who resembles Captain Caveman, another way that a woman identifies hardness is through a man’s body symmetry – the way the left side of the body mirrors the right side of the body with even-length limbs. The more symmetrical your limbs are, the better your chance at getting a booty call. But don’t take my word for it, take it from an evolutionary biologist. According to Randy Thornhill of the University of New Mexico, "It makes sense to use symmetry in mate choice. If you choose a perfectly symmetrical partner and reproduce with them, your offspring will have a better chance of being symmetric and able to deal with perturbations."

But how can women tell that men are symmetrical? Do they walk around with tape measures in their purses? Unfortunately, body symmetry is not something easily achieved by lopping off body parts or by applying size-inducing creams that were advertised over the home shopping network. "The differences in symmetry can just be a few percent." Thornhill asserts, "Perceivable, though not necessarily noticeable."

Even if we can hide our third nipple from public view, females have the mutant ability to "smell" symmetry. And symmetrical men actually smell more attractive. In an experiment that defied the importance of good hygiene, Thornhill borrowed the sweaty undershirts from a variety of men and asked ovulating women to give impressions of those men after smelling their shirts. After being given smelling salts to revive them, the women found the scent of symmetrical men more attractive and desirable.

But don’t fret, my asymmetrical brethren, there is still hope: While you are at the gym trying to even out your biceps, scout around for the most abhorrent alpha male in the gym. You know, the one whom all the girls are fawning over just because he has abdominals that can crush chestnuts. After the alpha male’s workout, follow him surreptitiously into the locker room to where he is undressing for the shower. Try not to stare at his six-pack abs for more than three seconds. Before he notices you, stare at yourself in the mirror and admire your man-breasts and one-pack ab while using your peripheral vision to memorize his locker combination. While the alpha male is in the middle of his shower, proceed to raid his locker and run off with his gym shirt. Who cares if his clothes smell like they could fumigate your apartment building’s cockroach infestation? That is a small price to pay if you are to bask in the excesses enjoyed by symmetrical men. Thornhill says that men with higher degrees of symmetry enjoy more sexual partners than men of lower symmetry. And Marc Nelson thinks I’m just a stalker.

However, if smelling like Marc Nelson is not your thing, is there any other way that you can make up for the fact that your left pinkie is 0.00001mm shorter than your right one? In a research conducted by the University of New Mexico, women viewed videotapes of men being interviewed for a potential lunch date. The men who were independently rated as confident and who acted towards their male competitors in a condescending manner were found sexier by ovulating women. The scientists labeled this condition "strong social presence" and "intrasexual attractiveness." In the Philippines, we call this condition "malakas ang dating" and "mayabang." Apparently, there is a biological justification for men like these to exist aside from saving on air-conditioning bills when they open their mouths.

But if the only thing you can brag about is your mounting credit card bills, then all you are left with to win over the fertile female is your "talent." When faced with the choice between talent and wealth, field researchers discovered that ovulating women more often chose men with talent over wealth, but only when evaluating the man’s short-term mating attractiveness. In these studies, the researchers defined talent as "creative ability." Thus, sometimes it pays to be a starving artist, a struggling musician or a debt-ridden humor columnist for a while.

So finally, after you reek of Marc Nelson’s symmetrical body odor, generate art-ic winds when you speak, and write a humor column, the only thing left to worry about is: How can you tell if the women is ovulating? Unlike lower female primates who display conspicuous sexual swellings, if you attempt to check for swellings among human females, the only swelling you will observe will be your own as you are sprawled on the floor holding on to your family jewels. Fortunately, behavioral scientist Martie Haselton tells us that you can also smell women when they are near ovulation because they will appear to be more attractive. Unfortunately, her scent can also be picked up by other alpha males who will swarm around her like she just won the sweepstakes. But at least you reek like Marc Nelson.

But what happens if you reek of Marc Nelson’s symmetrical body odor, you generate art-ic winds when you speak and you write a humor column, but the woman is having her period? When you come within five feet of her, she will impale you through the head with her five-inch stiletto heels. But I may be exaggerating. The heels are probably just three inches.

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