OFW husband has cheated twice

Dear Nanay,

I’ve been married for almost 15 years with two children. My husband and I are both working here in Dubai. The story happened when my husband went on vacation last year alone. I did not go with him due to the recession at that time and I was afraid that if something went wrong, no one could support us and that is why I decided to stay and work.

When he came back to Dubai, I felt that something was wrong. He was cold to me and I confronted him and asked if there was someone bothering him. He refused to admit anything. Then after one or two months, out of the blue, he admitted he had an affair in the Philippines and the communication was going on through phone calls and chatting. I left home for four days as it really hurt me a lot, thinking of all the sacrifices I had made, the love and support as I left my children to be with him to help him financially, then things happened without my knowledge. I know the girl. She is a single parent with one daughter and the girl knows my husband’s background, meaning that he’s married with kids. This is also the second time my husband has cheated on me.

My question is, since it happened for a long time, do you think my husband is in love with the girl? I love my children more than myself; that is why I am willing to sacrifice everything not to destroy our family. Is this right? What is my assurance that my husband is still in love with me?

A

Dear A,

I think the first rule we all have to remember is once the person is married, he or she is off-limits. Unfortunately, in your case, I do not know how much of your husband’s situation is really under your influence or control. That leaves you with only yourself to worry about.

With regard to your first question, unfortunately, hindi ko masasagot iyan (I cannot answer that). Only your husband can tell you how he feels about the other girl. The same is true for your third question, because only your husband can tell you how he feels about you. Neither I nor anyone else can give you any assurances regarding his feelings for you. Siya lang ang makakagawa noon. (He is the only one who can do that.)

With regard to your second question, I completely understand why you are willing to sacrifice everything for your children and your family. But I also think that there needs to be practical limits. Hindi naman puwedeng puro sakripisyo lang tapos walang bumabalik. (You can’t keep sacrificing and getting nothing in return.) 

Having said that, the solution to your problem seems to be a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. You need to know exactly where he is and exactly what his future plans are. Although it might be impossible, try not to fight. You are here to find a solution to your problem and not to fight with each other. 

If he still loves you and it was just a moment of weakness, perhaps it is in your and your family’s best interest to find a way to forgive him again. However, kung may iba na siyang mahal, baka wala ka nang magawa (if he is in love with someone else, there may be nothing you can do). If this is the case, maybe you need to start making plans about moving on. Because if he no longer loves you, there may be very little you can do and I don’t think anyone expects you to stay in a tortured place forever.

Sincerely,

Nanay

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When A Close Friend Becomes Distant

Dear Nanay,

It’s been so long since I wanted to approach you about my problem. It’s because I have a lack of self-confidence. My problem is about my friend, who is very distant from me, and I’ve been seeking others’ advice but it’s very hard for me to understand.

I was always very lonely in school because those whom I trusted left me because I was the “smart kid.” It was so hard that I used to cry a lot, but then I got used to it. Then the friend I’d been looking for arrived. He was from another country and we became very good friends. I loved the way he spoke when he would tell me about his travels. I was so glad to hear about it and he would cheer me up when I was sad. Before I forget, he was also my savior.

However, he left all of a sudden. As time went by we would meet on Saturdays or any holiday as long as we were not busy. Then it came to the point that I realized that the time we had for our talks was always short. Sometimes he would make excuses, saying that he needed to go shopping, etc. He would say that he was free on those days but it seemed like he was avoiding me as if he was tired or something. If he is, why won’t he go straight to the point and tell me instead of hiding from me? 

I messaged him this summer but he hasn’t replied. The last time we talked he said he was on a field trip and would talk to me afterwards, but still nothing came. I’ve shared this problem with my mom and she said that I must try to understand, maybe he’s busy or something. We’ve been friends for three years. I do not know what to do. Should I give him another chance or should I accept that our friendship is over? Please help me, Nanay.

Sear

Dear Sear,

First of all, are you sure that friendship is all you want from your friend? Or is there something more? You have to ask yourself this question because maybe you are looking for something that he cannot provide. Maybe you are just expecting too much. If this is the case, then he may not be able to ever satisfy whatever it is that you are looking for.

If you can honestly say that friendship is all you want from him, then maybe you should try to take your mom’s advice and just try to understand. Kahit magkaibigan lang kayo, baka naman nasasakal na rin siya. (Even if you’re just friends, maybe he feels like he’s being strangled.) And maybe he just wants some personal space but is too shy to say it to you directly because it might hurt your feelings.

Especially when it comes to close friends or other people you know very well, I think you can usually sense when there is something wrong. And more often than not, even if it is sometimes very difficult, the best way to solve these “unspoken” problems is to just talk about it. One of these days, try to pick a good time to talk about it and bring up the subject. Tell him exactly how you feel and what your expectations are. In turn, he can tell you what he wants and what he can commit to. Who knows? Maybe you both want the same thing and nagkakahiyaan lang kayo (you’re too shy to say it to each other). On the other hand, a difference in goals does not mean the end of your friendship. As perhaps you will be able to find some middle ground you will both be comfortable with.

Sincerely,

Nanay

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