Should they allow their father to remarry?

Dear Nanay,

Confused and distraught by a problem that gave rise to heart-rending questions, I seek the calming balm of your enlightening guidance. Questions like: Does a family, like marriage, come to an end upon the death of one of the parents? Is the surviving parent entitled to seek a new life of his own at the expense of his orphaned family? I come from a poor farming family of eight children — three boys and five girls, ages 15 to 30, all unmarried — and I’m hardly able to make both ends meet even if the income is supplemented from random jobs taken by my elder brothers. Three of my elder siblings finished high school, while my youngest sister is in the sixth grade. Through sheer perseverance and so much sacrifice, I am the only one who finished college though I am still unemployed.

Life was normal for such a typical close-knit rural family like mine with only a guarded hope of attaining a better situation in life. When my mother passed away four years ago at 44, my troubles unfolded. My father, 57, has declared that he wants to live with a 45-year-old separated woman with seven young children whom he met a just few months ago. Now, he is asking permission from me and my siblings. While I realize that I am being selfish to deny my father the opportunity to have a life that would make him happy for the remainder of his life, I find it difficult to reconcile the fact that he still has us, his original family to whom he owes parental care, duty, authority and above all, loyalty, and the fact that we owe him respect, love and obedience. In short, is the happiness of my father paramount to the happiness of his children living under his care and authority as a family?

Jackie

Dear Jackie,

You children have to realize that you cannot be completely dependent on your father your whole lives. You have to be able to support yourselves. What will happen when he gets older? And while you still have time, I think this is a wakeup call for all of you to be able to fend for yourselves. Be independent!

You, in particular, are the only one who graduated from college. You need to find a job. As a matter of fact, you write very well! So you are obviously an intelligent and capable person. I am sure you can find a job if you really set your mind to it. Hindi ninyo puwede asa lahat sa tatay ninyo (you cannot depend on your dad for everything).

With regard to your current situation, you should talk among yourselves how you will handle your state of affairs. Maybe you should talk to your father about the family’s income and how you will divide it if he decides to go and live with another family. Make it clear. Is there enough to go around? Will your family support his second family? How did they live before? Perhaps they are capable of surviving on their own. Kailangan pag-usapan ang mga bagay na ito ng masinsinan (you need to talk about these matters in great detail).

Of course, the other thing you can do is to talk to your father and ask him to give the relationship a little more time. After all, it has only been a few months. Talk about the financial arrangements just in case he decides in the future that he really loves this woman. If he does, then let him go with your blessings.

But at the end of the day, you also need to realize that if he really is in love with this person, neither you nor any of your brothers or sisters can stop him. There is nothing you can do. Besides, why should you stop him if that is what makes him happy? Don’t you think that even if you do not agree with how he is doing it, he has earned the right to be happy?

Sincerely,

Nanay

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Reaching a Solution

Dear Nanay,

Thank you so much for your sound advice. I talked to my husband and we had a small family meeting with our children and we decided to follow your advice. My husband will go to Korea and I will stay here with the kids. We will then reevaluate our situation in six months and see where we are.

Again, thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom.

Gina A.

Dear Gina A.,

You are most welcome.

You did not mention in your previous letter that you had children. With that added fact, all the more I think you should think carefully about uprooting the whole family into an uncertain situation.

I think you are correct in giving it a few months for evaluation and then you can revisit the option again every couple of months. After things have settled down, I think you will be in a better position to decide the correct thing to do for you and your family.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

Nanay

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