Uncommon living arrangement
Dear Nanay,
I am living with my son and his father. We are doing okay but we are not in a committed relationship, meaning I can date whomever I want and he can date whoever he wants. Whether it is good news or bad news, for the past few years I have not had a boyfriend and he has not had a girlfriend. So it has just been “us.”
Our son has recently started attending a Catholic school and has since started expressing concern that we are not married. He wants us to get married. How do I explain to him that we are not in love with each other and that we don’t really want to get married without him feeling like there is something wrong or that it is his fault?
Jen
Dear Jen,
I think the story of your living together would be very different if you didn’t have a son. But since you have a child, I would think it is very difficult for all of you to live together harmoniously if you and the father of your son do not have at least some feelings for each other. So maybe, deep down inside, you do feel something for each other except that it has been buried so deep and covered up so much these past years that you can no longer express your feelings for each other as love. But of course, only the two of you can answer that.
Your relationship is definitely uncommon. The good side is that you are still “one family” and your son sees both his father and mother and is growing up with a family. The bad side is that he probably cannot understand why you are not married and worse, as you said, he might start blaming himself for something that is completely not his fault.
I am not sure if your setup is better or worse than if you just lived apart and take turns with your son. I think ultimately, again, only the two of you can answer that. But what the two of you need to realize and remember is that the single most important factor in all your decisions should be your son’s welfare. Your son’s happiness and future take precedence over everything else. It is not your convenience or happiness that should be foremost when you are making decisions. And do not pretend or lie to yourselves that you are doing something for him when in fact you are doing it for yourselves. You have to examine everything very closely and very honestly. Huwag ninyo bolahin ang sarili ninyo. Kawawa naman ang anak ninyo. (Don’t fool yourselves. It will be your son who will suffer.)
And at the end of the day, when someone needs to sacrifice, it should be the two of you. Not him.
Sincerely,
Nanay
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Help! My Friend is Always Depressed
Dear Nanay,
I have a friend who has a very negative attitude towards life. She is always getting depressed at parang lahat na lang sa buhay niya ay malungkot at mahirap (and it’s like everything in her life is sad and difficult). I am normally a very happy person, outgoing and sociable. But recently I noticed that I am becoming quite negative and sad also. I don’t like what I am becoming. And worse, my friend now looks like she is in a severe depression and everything is worse than before! How can I help her and also help myself so I don’t become a negative person like her?
VPL
Dear VPL,
Life is full of ups and downs. It is impossible that anyone’s life will be all happy or all sad.
With regards to your friend, I think you have every reason to be concerned. Depression can become a very serious problem, lalo na kung palagi na lang siya ganyan (especially if she’s always like that). There might be deeper psychological or medical reasons why she is constantly depressed. So you might want to talk to her about consulting with a doctor or a psychologist. If she refuses, you might want to talk to a doctor about what you should do to help your friend. You have to be ready for her to refuse to go kasi baka sabihin niya sa iyo, “Ano ako? Sira ulo?” (because she might say to you, “What am I, crazy?”), without realizing that a mental illness can be just as serious but just as treatable as a physical one.
As for you, you might need to put a little space between you and your friend. Dapat lang gawin mo ang makakaya mo para matulungan ang kaibigan mo. (You should just do what you can to help your friend.) But you should not do this at the expense of your health — physical or mental. You have to resist. Otherwise, you might eventually end up being the one in the doctor’s office being treated for depression!
Sincerely,
Nanay
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