Misery loves company

Back in college, we used to have these tough departmental exams that everyone would take at the same time. One of the things I hated about these exams was the way they were graded. What our teachers did was to give each student a particular number, then before the exam you would put the number given to you instead of your name. When the papers had been checked (which took an eternity), the department would post the grades on a bulletin board and if you wanted to find out how you did, you would have to look for your designated number. I think the reason for this was to avoid people getting embarrassed. If you failed, only you would know about it – unless you were some kind of masochist and enjoyed torturing yourself by spreading the word.

I remember it vividly. It was pure hell. The checking of papers took weeks, sometimes months.

Sometimes, the mid-term exam results would come out a week prior to the final exams so all throughout the semester, I would have no freaking clue as to how well (or how bad) I was doing in the subject. Anyway, one of the traumas I had to go through in college was seeing my designated number with a corresponding failing score.

Yup, I must admit – it happened to me a number of times. But here’s the thing – I didn’t always feel bad. Because more often than not, I was not alone. After discovering my failing mark, I would usually check out the scores of other people. There was a time when only 10 people passed and everyone else in the batch failed. During those times, even if I did fail, I would walk away with a smile. Misery loves company or so they say.

I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. To some extent, it’s comforting to know that other people go through the same challenges in life as we do.

However, I’m not sure if it’s right to seek comfort at the expense of someone else’s misery.

I guess it’s human nature. No one wants to suffer alone. Whenever we are depressed or down, we seek the comfort of others. That’s perfectly okay. But should we take comfort that someone else is going through the same suffering?

When someone loses his job, for example, we have a tendency to say – "Hey, it’s okay – yung iba nga diyan, they can’t find a decent job, they end up begging. At least you had the chance to work for a company."

Huh? Am I supposed to be happy because someone else is more miserable than I am?

I know what we are trying to do. We’re trying to apply the "count your blessings" philosophy. And that’s fine. When we are down, we must really count our blessings so we realize that we’re not really all that damned.

If you really think about it, we have taken this count your blessings philosophy and kinda twisted it. At work, whenever one is demoted, we tell that person, "Don’t feel too bad. Tingnan mo si Glenn – clerk pa rin after all these years. He has never even been promoted. So count your blessings." Or when we get a pay cut due to a new cost-saving policy of the company, some wiseguy will offer these classsic words of advice: "OK lang yan no! Iba nga diyan, na-retrench. Count your blessings."

What? That’s not counting your blessings! That’s "hey, don’t feel bad – other people are worse off than you." While the intention of the person giving advice may be correct, the advice is totally wrong. We shouldn’t – at any time – find comfort in other people’s misery. Worse, we take this finding-comfort-in-other-people’s-misery mentality to another level. To try to feel even better, what we do is we become defensive about our sad state that we use other people’s misery to remove the attention from us. For example, if we had a business that crashed – say, in a pyramid scam, we have a tendency to say, "You know, I am not that badly hit by this pyramid scam – I didn’t really invest that much. But you know that other guy – si Roger – he lost millions. I’m glad I’m not him. In a way, suwerte pa rin ako!"

Whoa! That’s like saying, "You know I should be sad, but I am happy because another person suffered more than I did."

I know, I know. You’re probably saying, "There goes Rod again with his idealistic ideas." Please forgive me if I am beginning to sound like your grandmother.

But folks, you must admit, that while I am going against the tide here, no amount of reasoning will justify our finding comfort in the misery of others – unless you really have a genuine hatred for your neighbor. We shouldn’t be going "You know, I’m lucky that I only went through this – other people are going through much worse." We might think that what we are saying is a sign of humility – but really what we’re saying is "Thank you, Lord, that you didn’t put me in the same situation as this other guy." And I don’t think that is very charitable.

Our mentality should be to count our own blessings. Not in relation to others – but in relation to ourselves – as to what we have and what we do not have. Just like how the old Christmas carol goes, "And when our bankroll is getting small, we should think about the times when we had none at all."

That’s the right kind of attitude to have. When we feel deprived because we don’t have a Jaguar, our mentality should be "Hey, my stainless jeep gets me from point A to B so I am fine" –– rather than "Well, none of my friends have a Jaguar either so I guess I’m okey."

So the next time you’re feeling blue, don’t fret. Things have a way of unfolding in the right way. Misery may love company. But company doesn’t love misery. So just be happy – and do whatever good you can do. While you still have the time.

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Thanks for your letters, folks! You may e-mail me at rodnepo@yahoo.com