‘Some other day na lang’

Back in high-school, I overheard two of my classmates, Eric and Jay, conversing and I swear, it is one of the most hilarious exchanges I have ever heard in my life.

Eric: Jay, sine naman tayo.

Jay: Huwag na – some other day na lang.

Eric: Ha? Matagal pa ang Mother’s Day, eh! (Apparently, Eric thought Jay said "Sa Mother’s Day na lang" instead of "some other day na lang.")

Everyone in our group burst into laughter upon hearing the exchange. What made it funnier was that it wasn’t scripted at all and Eric really just misheard Jay. Since then, Mother’s Day had a special significance to me, apart from its true relevance, of course.

But last Mother’s Day was completely different, nothing funny at all about it this time. It was a very difficult Mother’s Day for both my wife and me. On that day, Teemy (my wife), who was five weeks pregnant, had a miscarriage and we lost what would have been our first baby.

It was a tearful Mother’s Day indeed. We have been waiting for this baby for a year and a half. And when we learned that Teemy was on the way, we were ecstatic. We really thought to ourselves, "This is IT, man! This is the moment we’ve been waiting for!" And we really felt confident, because there were so many signs: the positive pregnancy kit, the confirmation of our OB GYN, the delay in Teemy’s cycle, the usual pregnancy symptoms, everything!

And there many subtle coincidences too. I learned my wife was on the family way on May 1 – "Labor" Day. Now if that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is! Plus, Teemy was getting to be moodier than usual, so that sure was a good sign! (Even if I always ended up bearing the brunt of her moodiness.)

Also, when she asked God for a sign, the moment she turned on the TV, there was this film showing a mother giving birth. Man, we had all the reasons to be optimistic. It was like negotiating a business deal – all the positive signs were there. When you’re trying to close a deal, you can almost feel the signals that point to a successful close. Personally, I can feel it from the conversation with my client, his words and body language. And it’s a great feeling – the feeling of anticipation that something good is about to happen.

And then boom…it happens: Something goes wrong and everything crashes. All of a sudden, you recall Tom Hanks in Apollo 13 saying distressfully, "Houston, we have a problem." That’s exactly how I felt when the doctor made a comment on the ultrasound, "The gestational sac is surrounded by blood." That same day Teemy started bleeding. And the doctor said, "The best thing to do now is to wait and pray." It was like a dagger straight to the heart.

To make things worse, on the eve of Mother’s Day, I learned that one of my dear friends Diane (who’s in her early 40s and a good mother herself) suffered a heart attack and, as I write this piece, is in the hospital fighting for her life. Man! It was turning out to be Mother’s Day In Hell.

Sadly, there was nothing we could do about it. I just felt so helpless. It was one of those weekends that you just wanted to go away. And just like I always do when everything turns sour, I confided with God and asked in desperation, "How do you expect me to write about the positive things and declare that ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ when these things are happening? Also, why is everything happening all at the same time? One by one naman, Lord!" Needless to say, I was pretty upset. And at that point I felt Holy Week just started all over again and I wanted to cry out, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

I hate to admit it (and I’m sure it happens to you, too), but God always becomes my punching bag whenever bad things happen. Not in a bad way. I guess it’s more out of desperation, a feeling that there’s no one to turn to, and there’s no one to blame for my misery. We all feel it at some point in our lives. So, we turn to the Almighty and demand for some answers.

For a lot of us in the corporate world, it happens daily. When we don’t get that promotion, when we don’t close that deal, or when we just had a major blunder in servicing a client, we always have a tendency to say, "God, why me? Why did this happen?" As if God had anything to do with our screw up. And when we pray to Him and ask for something, we demand things as if we deserve what we’re asking for. We say something like, "Lord, I hope I can get that raise. How come you gave that jerk, Gerard, a raise? He doesn’t even go to Mass on Sundays! Plus, he sleeps around with the boss’ wife. I know because I sleep with her, too, and she told me herself!"

While I don’t think God is the type who likes to interfere or meddle in our daily affairs in his pastime, I do believe that He is around and He does listen. And I also do believe that He always answers prayers, but it’s not always a "Yes." In fact, oftentimes, it may be a "No" – or perhaps a "Wait." Although, this may sound like a fatalistic attitude (something the Spaniards taught us), especially for those who have adopted the modern-day thinking of "Enjoy life to the fullest" and who don’t care much about the afterlife.

I am a great believer that while sh*t can sometimes happen it does happen with a purpose and with a reason. Well, frankly, if that weren’t the case, I don’t know what the hell we’re doing in this world. I mean, if there wasn’t a God or a reason for being, and if there is no greater meaning to all of this, then I would like to ask, "Is this what life is all about? Sleep, eat, work, party, get drunk, throw up, and sleep again? If you believe that, then go ahead and indulge. The world is yours for the taking. And then, guess what? You die. And you’ll probably die miserable too.

If that’s what you think life is all about, then I pity you, my friend. You’re no better off than that stray dog that I see near our village who eats everything he could get from garbage cans and hits on every bitch that comes around. I believe life is definitely more than that.

Which brings me back to God. Like I said, things happen for a reason. And as to what that reason is, only He knows. And it’s not up to us to question because we are infinitely nothing compared to Him. One thing I learned in this world is you just have to accept whatever is thrown your way because you know what? You’re not in full control anyway.

Look at JFK Jr. He was the sexiest man alive: a gazillionaire who had the most respected family legacy in the world. And then bam! It was finished in flash. One moment, he was king of the world; the next moment, he was floating with all the fish in the Atlantic. You would think that he had the world at his feet and he was in full control of his destiny. Not.

Whether you believe in accepting God’s will, Allah’s will, or Buddha’s will, there are just some things you can’t control in this world and you just have to accept that and live with that thought. If you can’t accept that rule in the world, tough luck, you’re in for a wild ride, buddy.

I oftentimes ask God, "When will I ever know the reason, Lord?" These days, I want to ask Him why He deprived us of the joy of having our baby. And I swear, I hear Him, albeit faintly, telling me: "Some other day na lang, Rod. Some other day. " And to which I reply impatiently, "God, matagal pa ang Mother’s Day."

I do hope God has a good sense of humor.

To our dear angel, I dedicate this article to you. Though we had you for only five weeks, you made us very happy. I know you are up there with your Big Papa. And I must say, I am very envious. Maybe God knew you were going to be so adorable, so He decided to take you so you can be beside Him. But I hope to see you someday. And to quote Eric Clapton, "Will you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?" I hope you will remember Mommy and me.

We love you!

* * *

For all those who supported us in our moment of grief – we thank all of you. To our wonderful doctor, the ever-patient Dr. Dan Milla, thanks so much – let’s give it another shot! And to everyone out there, thanks for taking time to read this very personal piece. You may write me at rodnepo@yahoo.com.