Glossary, topical

Oh, these balikbayan and foreign friends. They come to town, look around wide-eyed and listen with ears pricked, shake their heads in befuddlement, and wonder out loud what’s going on. They say they’re confused over the bewildering welter of socio-political noise, that they can’t tell the reality bites from the jokes.

Okay, here’s a primer of sorts: A topical glossary, a definition of terms.

It’s essential to appreciate where everyone’s coming from, by first realizing that what you see and hear is not exactly what you get. Instant translations are necessary. For us here, of course, it’s second nature. But pity the firemen who drop in and have to make sense of homegrown terms and soundbites.

Here then is a starter of a dictionary cum pictionary or maybe fictionary, so y’all get a finer picture of where we’re at, as national crossroads functionaries.

ANC – Acronym for ABS-CBN News Channel, formerly on Channel 21 in Sky Cable, now on Channel 27 to supplant its supposed model CNN, or Chicken Noodle Network, which by the by never resorted to self-plugs by extensively quoting a congressman who may or may not have unwittingly promoted the station where he used to have a talk show. Currently also running a multi-weekly soap opera where tapes are played under the august aegis of a faulty sound system, as interspersed with hilarious question-and-answer portions wrapped around implacable verbal distractions collectively billed as Grandstanding, which in turn may only be placed on pause by gavel-banging. (See also: GAVEL-BANGING; GRANDSTANDING; POINT OF ORDER)

CONSTITUTION – The state of assumed well-being purportedly enjoyed by a body politic, based on a combination of so many words croaking, er, cloaking the fundamental law of the land, but actually more an expression of sovereign spirit if not wishful thinking cum breast-beating.

CONSTITUTIONAL – A walk in the clouds, or around the park, or maybe a process that’s seen to be The Only Way to go when a country claims to have a Constitution. (See above; see also EXTRA- CONSTITUTIONAL)

COUNCIL – Currently an abused term of endearment for an imagined group of individuals that is expected to lend counsel, saddled as they are with no other obligations but the reputedly moral and intellectual (in that order), let alone responsibilities or accountability. Enjoys a multiplicity of variants, such as council of state or council of economic advisers, and of late, additionally, the following:

(a) Caretaker Council – Not related to caregivers at all, no, not at all; but in a way performing a similar function, which is to nurse back to a state of health – or nurture ephemerally and thus preserve whatever remains of that state of health – a deeply divided body politic that’s at loggerheads with itself, so that certain bitter medicine has to be forced deeply down its throat past all sorts of forked tongues, with such pills, capsules, syrup, poultice or panacea conceivably addressing an essential Cabinet and/or Comelec revamp, abolition of legislative bodies and possibly even the Supreme Court (plus, hopefully, the MMDA), as well as establishing, for the nonce, exemplary governance, in which case, good luck!

(b) Revolutionary Council – See JUNTA.

COMELEC – Acronym for Commission on Elections, which most Filipinos concede to have been effective in its conduct of various sins of commission and omission, that is, in Pinoy parlance, dagdag-bawas. An exalted government agency with a nice budget for serial aborted attempts at modernization, as well as bulk payment of cell phone bills.

CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION IN AID OF LEGISLATION – Precious TV time for all sorts of laughable soundbites. The conduct of parliamentary inquiry involving odious, ornery characters for whom Gavel-Banging only means the end, for the nonce, of their 15 seconds of fame, which may then be revived at the next turn of microphone button pressing. (See also: GAVEL-BANGING; GRANDSTANDING) A veritable school of hard knocks that teaches the impressionable young the proper etiquette short of the traditional pasintabi po, e.g. "Point of order, Mr. Chairman!" (See: POINT OF ORDER)

CRISIS – What we eat for breakfast, like Tap(e)silog. Kurne!

DISCERNMENT – A temporary state of wishful thinking usually associated with prayerful reflection; in effect, waiting for more dice to roll, from the heavens or more dynamic/impulsive reactors, so as to ascertain where the wind blows and how and when it’s best to jump on the bandwagon.

EXILE – A state of conjugal disability, maybe even halfway bliss, whereby a First Gentleman can enjoy the opportunity to sow wild oats everywhere else, e.g. Hong Kong, Las Vegas, San Francisco, with an eye towards permanently setting up a comfy nest built from a substantial nest egg, likely somewhere in China in the event that another powerful country resolves to address such tricky issues as nest-egg laundering. (See also: SELF-EXILE)

EXTRA-CONSTITUTIONAL – Anything that does not take into cognizance the fundamental law of the land, which is… er, well, embodied in the Constitution. (See: CONSTITUTION) A bogey term for any attempt at preventing former broadcasters from succeeding as president, or anything remotely related to setting up a revolutionary council, especially one headed by a geriatric former general, or maybe re-installing a former president who himself fell victim to extra-constitutional action, heh-heh.

GARCI TAPES – Copies of copies of copies that quickly enjoyed platinum sales as a ring tone or car horn tone, and became a trendy conversation piece.

GAVEL-BANGING – Wrist action of a committee chairman supervising a congressional session; reduces but not exactly eliminates Grandstanding. (See item directly below.)

GRANDSTANDING – Individual and collective action by legislators, usually characterized by oral assaults on common sense, logic, reason, and proper grammar, in a shameless effort to hog TV microphones and TV cameras. Not necessarily synonymous with congressional action.

"HELLO, GARCI" – The salutation that may have served as the last straw for a disaffected body politic, after unfortunate accretion of several controversial inadvertencies such as the Pidal accounts, the alleged Toh affair, questionable appointments, Mikey Arroyo movies, etc. The famous opening line in the Garci Tapes. (See item above.)

ISAFP – Acronym for Intelligence Service of the Armed Forces of the Philippines, now also known as the savior of the people. (Mwahaha! Mwahaha! MWAHAHA!)

JUETENG – An age-old practice that continues to manifest the rights of small people to the penny-ante pursuit of happiness, recreation, and community involvement by means of occasionally gainful gambling, especially when they have no means to dress up for a casino. Also the lifeblood of many other Filipinos in higher stations of life, such as governors, mayors, police chiefs, bagmen and bagwomen, sometimes even Presidents and presidential spouses and in-laws, not to mention sons who also happen to be congressmen or mayors or have now become Senators. May also be defined as "the bane of bishops." A grand matrix, in brief, that spells all too clearly: The Truth Is Out There. (See also: TRUTH COMMISSION)

JUNTA – Often misinterpreted to be a bad word, unless it’s spelled in old Tagalog and brought to the level of talk-show conduct, i.e, huntahan. (See: REVOLUTIONARY COUNCIL)

MGB – Acronym for "Men in Gloria Black," er, di pala, sorry, but "Magandang Gabi, Bayan!" – an imminent rallying cry or slogan for possibly another New Society.

PEOPLE POWER – Once upon a time, two times in fact, a favored term for democratic transition, but which has since apparently fallen into hard times of disuse/abuse, ever since the Third (sorry) Edition; but certainly not yet subject to fatigue as claimed by impatient pundits, only that it’s typically mounted by cell phone users who wouldn’t be caught dead mingling with ill-suited, ill-mannered, verbally abusive leftists and all stripes of hakot crowds of toothless loyalists, whether of the Marcosian, Erapian, or Poe-nian constituencies.

PGMA – Acronym that used to refer to President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who’s in the center of a seasonal storm, but has since degenerated into variants such as "Please Go, Ma’am, Abdicate!" and "Parehong Glo at Mike, Ayos!"

POINT OF ORDER! – In Congress, a verbal ploy to regain the mike (as in microphone, not Arroyo).

SELF-EXILE – A viable option for first gentlemen who may have worn out their lightning-rod welcome. (See also: EXILE)

SCENARIOS – What could happen, might happen, should happen, as visualized by the most visionary of pundits. Several have been drawn up, to brevity’s wit: (1) The stonewalling continues, and somehow the lady survives, crippled along with the economy; (2) She resigns, to her fate, ASAP to ensure quick constitutionally-mandated turnover, assuring as well that her and her family’s flanks are gratefully protected by her successor, President Noli "Boy" de Castro; (3) She is unseated through impeachment; highly unlikely, say the know-it-alls, citing numbers in Congress, albeit conveniently forgetting that the last impeachment process also took off on small beer; (4) Noli "Boy" somehow takes over, in which case, watch out for Sen. Manny Villar, or so say some pundits; (5) Noli "Boy" is also declared a cheater, in which case Loren Legarda (Leviste) ascends to kingdom come, in which case, watch out for The Magician, or so say some pundits; (6) A Council takes over after a quick coup, in which case it takes the form of "Caretaker" or "Revolutionary" or both (See previous entries.); (7) A civil war erupts, briefly as is our wont, around August when Mars is closest to Earth as in no other time but the dim past, and the greater force of arms if not numbers prevails, in which case, go back to Scenario No. 6; and last but not least, (8) Madre España steps forcefully into the picture, and without as much as a pasintabo po in the direction of the USA, claims us back for an extension service of their outstanding tourism program, in which case we live happily if colonially ever after.

TRUST RATINGS – Nothing to do with condoms. But, wait; then again, in this country, who knows?

TRUTH COMMISSION – A South African invention, like and/or following the policy of apartheid, which as a mimetic notion seems to be gaining local ground as an avenue of recourse while yet in a state of discernment (See DISCERNMENT), that is, like apartheid, would resolve to tell apart what still hides or is not anymore hidden, such as not exactly mysterious voices on tape, or whether asawa, anakonda, and bayawak are specific species related to Jueteng, and to establish the culpability thereof, in which case, yeah, the best of luck! And consequences!