Surviving the sudden death of a loved one

A sudden, accidental, unexpected or traumatic death can be devastating to surviving family members and friends because it is often a loss that does not make any sense.

Suddenly, life is forever changed. Survivors are often left with that ill feeling that life is not always fair and that oftentimes, bad things happen to good people. The sudden, traumatic death leaves the survivors (family members, friends, including even the rescue workers and medical personnel) feeling shattered, ambivalent and fragile. Why did former DSWD Secretary Dulce Saguisag succumb to severe physical injuries after a dawn vehicular accident in Makati last Nov. 8 after a night of ballroom dancing? Seriously injured in this accident were her husband, former Sen. Rene Saguisag, their driver and a dance instructress. Mrs. Saguisag was a cancer survivor and had a brilliant career of service for the underserved. Why did Basilan Rep. Wahab Akbar, driver Marcial Tadlo, congressional employees Ma-An Bustalino and Julasiri Hayudina die in a powerful blast that rocked the Batasang Pambansa on Nov. 13?

Any type of sudden loss, whether due to a heart attack, accident or a terrorist attack, will definitely leave the survivors bereaved, overwhelmed and vulnerable. As the survivors start to process the loss, they experience a grief response.

Death from a sudden or traumatic accident or disaster can lead to a number of problems and issues for the survivors. These are issues that are often not raised in anticipated deaths (those from chronic physical illness or disability). Sudden loss creates other special problems for the survivors. Many of these problems will further aggravate the grief response.

A sudden tragedy may devastate a person’s sense of order and will bring him into a world that has been forever changed. Survivors of sudden loss may usually experience a greater sense of vulnerability and increased anxiety. Their previously safe environment once known to them no longer exists. Survivors can then start fearing for themselves, their family and friends. They can also become overwhelmingly preoccupied with thoughts that another tragedy might happen again.

The grief period following sudden loss is often intensified because there was no opportunity to prepare for the loss, to say goodbye, to finish unfinished business or to prepare for the period after bereavement. This type of loss often may result in intense grief responses such as shock, anger, guilt, sudden depression, despair and hopelessness and increase the risk for complicated grief or pathological mourning.

With the sudden death of a loved one, the family he left behind may experience the multiple secondary losses such as lost income, loss of home, loss of security and loss of social status. The role the loved one held in the family is forever gone. This takes time for the family to accept and so it will also take some time for them to adjust and to reorganize. The bereaved family may be left feeling in a state of disarray with a lingering sense of difficulty and disorganization. Depending on the family member who has died, marital and other family relationships can become strained.

With highly publicized events, surviving family members now have to cope with intrusion into their personal tragedy by the media. For survivors, every viewing, replay or image of the event is a stark reminder of the death and of their sudden loss. For families coping with criminal cases, the survivors must deal with the police, investigators and lawyers and years of court hearings.

Oftentimes, the search for meaning of the loss can challenge a survivor’s religious beliefs. Sudden losses, in particular, can lead to a spiritual crisis as the survivors search for the meaning of their loss. They start questioning their internal belief system and values. Their previous goals in life may seem unimportant after their loss and their priorities and values in life may change as well.

As a result of the sudden loss, legal and financial issues may overwhelm the surviving family members. Since the death was not at all anticipated, the lost loved one may have left unfinished business which now must be faced by the surviving family members. The unfinished business may come in the form of domestic issues but can also be work-related or legal matters. Legal and financial affairs following particular types of deaths like suicide, deaths in which the body is never recovered like in times of war or burned beyond recognition, may lead to other complications for the survivors when trying to collect benefits.

Coping during the first few days following the sudden loss of a loved one is crucial and extremely difficult. It is very important for the grieving person to take care of himself/herself following a sudden loss. One must focus on the basic body needs for the day-to-day survival namely:

1. Continue to maintain a normal routine. No matter how difficult it is to do regular activities, try to do them anyway.  Doing this will help restore the feeling of being in control.

2. Get enough sleep and rest.

3. Make notes and keep a schedule.

4. Get some regular exercise. This can help relieve stress and tension.

5. Eat a balanced diet.

6. Drink plenty of water.

7. Try to avoid alcohol. Alcohol should not be used to mask the pain as it is not an anti-depressant and can lead to alcohol addiction.

8. Do things that comfort, sustain and recharge you.  Have a massage or pamper your body by going to the spa.

9. Recall other difficult times and how you coped with them.

10. Take things one day at a time.

 A grieving family may feel so overwhelmed by the loss that they may not know where to start or what someone can do to help. Mayor Jojo Binay and Sen. Jinggoy Estrada immediately rushed to the Makati Medical Center to assist the Saguisag children. The show of support of friends and relatives of the Saguisags was indeed heartwarming. Concrete help of looking after the body of Mrs. Saguisag while the children stayed with their father at the ICU was initially done. The Makati Medical Center lessened the stress on the family by scheduling regular news bulletins on the progress of recovery of former Senator Saguisag and the two other victims. Similarly, the St. Luke’s Medical Center had done the same for the Batasan blast victims.

Here are other ways we can offer concrete help to friends with sudden loss of loved ones:

1. Help prepare meals.  I remember when the basement area of our family corporation building along Quezon Avenue burned some time ago, the mother of one my patients, Mrs. Flor Esguerra, brought enough food for the families of my brother and sister who were residents of that place.

2. Extend help by taking care of the small children.

3. Answer the phone or help notify other relatives.

4. Do some errands.

5. Help make memorial arrangements.

6. If the press people are involved, offer to help deal with the media.

 After a few months, emotional support from other family members and friends is still needed. So ask what you can still do to help and be prepared to listen. Sometimes they may benefit in joining a support group. If there are sleeping or eating problems or if the bereaved family member still have intense difficulty in coping with their sudden loss, don’t hesitate to suggest that there are professionals who can help make them deal better with their sudden loss of a loved one.

The warning signs that professional help is needed include:

1. Verbalization of suicidal intent.

2. Alcohol abuse and/or dependence.

3. Drug abuse or dependency.

4. Inability to care for self.

5. Intense rage directed at others.

6. Physical harm to self or others.

7. Severe depression.

8. Phobic reactions, such as an inability or fear to be by themselves at any time.

9. Nervous breakdown.

10. Inhibited or absent grieving.

A grieving individual may never completely “get over” his/her sudden loss of a loved one. Rather, in time, the grieving person learns to integrate the loss or change into his/her life, to reorganize and to keep on living. Yes, life must go on even if it is a life that is forever changed. Grieving ends when the person realizes that he/she will survive and begins to focus his/her energy on living.

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Condolence to the family of Mrs. Dulce Saguisag and the families of the Batasan blast fatalities.

(Please e-mail me at nina.halilijao@gmail.com)