When single parents date again

I recently received an e-mail from a reader named Nonoy who asked me to write on single parents and how going out on a date will help them. He also asked how a single parent can break it to his/her children that he/she will be dating soon. With this article, I hope to shed light on Nonoy’s request.

When parents separate, children – young or old – are always affected emotionally. This is why even prior to the actual separation, it is best that the children are prepared psychologically for this difficult life circumstance. If parents feel anxious about doing this by themselves, they shouldn’t hesitate to seek professional assistance for this difficult task.

Now, after the separation, what should a solo/single parent do?

Whether you are widowed, divorced or have had your marriage annulled, you will certainly be required to make time for your social life. Go out again with your old and new friends. Initially, renewed ties with friends need not be with your children. You can inform your kids that you’re going out with friends without them since you need some time to be alone with your close friends. They, too, need time to be with their peers without your presence. After group socialization, you will have to start preparing your kids that you may decide to date sometime in the future. Definitely, you must allot time to listen and answer the queries of your children. Please make sure that you answer them according to their cognitive level. It is always a lot easier to answer questions when there is not yet any particular person involved.

Remember that you are a great influence in the formation of values and attitudes of your growing children towards relationship, marriage and family. It is best that the time you decide in letting your kids know that you’re dating again is when you have finished mourning for the death of your spouse or when you already have legally arranged for the termination of your prior marriage.

Keep in mind that being widowed, divorced or having had your marriage annulled does not remove your right to seek for affection and even companionship and later on, for intimacy with a new special someone. Only, you must seek for it when the time is right.

Of course, expect the resistance and disapproval of your children when you tell them that you are ready to go out on a date. Children of a broken family usually have that magical thinking that you will reconcile with your spouse. That your dating somebody else can be a threatening experience for your kids. This is why – when disclosing to your children your future plans to start dating and to start looking for a new life partner – you need to relay to them that there will never be a replacement for their father or mother.

You also have to carefully discuss with your kids that you have a life other than the life you share with them. Show and tell them that your love for them will never be diminished once you start going out with someone. Don’t ever change the rules of the house when your date is around. Also, don’t ever change the way you behave with your kids when you’re with your date. Lastly, don’t ever allow your conning or manipulative ex-spouse condition the minds of your kids against you and your new special someone.

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Special thanks to Dr. Jessie Cancio-Solis and his staff, Dr. Carren R. Estacio, Dr. Marion Jean O. Manansala and Ms. Oly S. Resurrecion for my gorgeous smile.

For questions on love, looks and relationships, please e-mail me at nina.halilijao@gmail.com or ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo.com.