Premarital intimacy

Dear Dr. Jao,

My boyfriend and I are still both in college. We are now engaged in premarital sex. I know it is not right, but it happened so fast. We’ve been doing this since last year. Why don’t I seem to get the same satisfaction as my partner? By the way, he is my first boyfriend.

Sincerely yours,

Anonymous Texter

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Dear Anonymous Texter,

First of all, I must commend you for your resourcefulness in getting my cell phone number. It’s good that you finally found the courage to send me your message. I’m glad you realized that premarital sex is wrong and I think that is precisely the reason why you don’t seem to get the same satisfaction as your partner. Your guilty feeling is indicative that your superego is functioning and that there is still something that you can do to remedy the situation. I know that you know the norm in our society that sex should be in the context of marriage.

With premarital sex, there are accompanying responsibilities and risks. I am not here to impose upon you my Christian and moral values. Let me tackle this issue by discussing with you the medical risks of a premarital sex. Having sex before marriage can indeed have dangerous consequences. Using condoms and other allegedly safe sex gadgets do not completely rule out the chance of getting pregnant. Now if a living sperm cell can manage to survive and pass through such devices so can a virus. Statistics in the US have shown more than 600,000 cases of AIDS since 1981 and 900,000 Americans have been recorded to be infected with HIV.

There is also the risk of infertility. There are several incurable diseases that cause men and women to become infertile which are passed on through sexual encounters. Such diseases are called STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). STDs and herpes are not uncommon in the Philippines. In fact, these diseases seem to be everywhere. Sexual dysfunction may also be a possible consequence of premarital sex. An addiction to pornography in men and to reading romance novels in women may cause problems in marriage because of unrealistic romance expectations.

Aside from the medical risks, I have to mention the danger of damaged or lost relationships. People may become psychologically and emotionally "wired" to perceive sex as a commitment. When this kind of relationship ends, the estranged partners experience guilt and hurt of the unspoken promises that were broken. There are so many people who lose good friends after having sex because boundaries were crossed.

Subsequently, the risk of depression now ensues. In some way, it can be considered that premarital sex is almost a form of abuse. Why? Because in premarital sex you and your partner are using each other without making the commitment of a life-long trust, care and love. This often causes emotional damage by shattering one’s ego and this ego assault may lead to an increased possibility of developing depression and emotional despair.

There is also the risk of damaging your future relationships and marriage. In my clinical practice as a psychiatrist, I have seen married individuals and those who are about to get married who go through a tumultuous struggle just to be able to disclose to their future partners about their previous sexual adventures. Such disclosures have the risk of causing stress on current relationships, perhaps, because of lack of trust and regret.

With all these possible risks of premarital sex, it is still your choice, dear Anonymous Texter, whether to continue with your current premarital sex relationship or to move on to another scenario of a more satisfying sexual relationship with a partner’s commitment of marriage.

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To my valued clients and patients, this is to inform you that I am still holding clinic at Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St., Pasig City.