‘How I survived the pain of widowhood’

A friend recently asked me what’s more painful – losing a loved one or being separated from a loved one. You see, I have experienced both. My husband Michael and I separated in August 1999, but a few months later, we were back in each other’s arms and promised each other that we would work things out. We were about to start a new life together when he suffered his third asthma attack and died of cardiac arrest in July 2000, six months after we were back together.

  It’s the first week of November and I’m sure people are busy preparing for a visit to their loved ones’ grave or busy offering prayers to the reposed souls.  It is during this moment when young widows like myself reflect on how it is to survive a beloved husband’s death.

An editor once told me that widowers are more emotional than widows.  After six months of mourning, widowers can’t stand being alone so they remarry, some without waiting for their spouses’ death anniversary. 

In our country, widows suffer emotionally because they depend so much on their husbands’ earnings.  My suffering was psychological on my part because I believe so much in the "till death do us part" marriage vow that couples make in the sacrament of matrimony. I was also concerned that my only son might long for a father figure as he grows up.  It was painful because we were together as sweethearts for eight years and married for five years when he passed away.  But how I was able to survive and easily adjust to the situation surprised a lot of people.  Filipinos are used to seeing depressed-looking widows, problematic-looking ones who look the way they do because of financial difficulties or who avoid social interaction.

When friends saw me one week after my husband’s burial, they were awed. What they saw was a strong woman determined to go on with her new life.  "Na-biyuda ka ba?" or "Bakit parang di ka namatayan?" they would ask. Friends, clients and colleagues would say this when they saw me weeks after my husband died. 

I may break the stereotype of widows in the Philippines but as the saying goes, the show must go on. I may not wear the typical black pin on my dress to symbolize mourning but I believe that your loneliness does not only manifest in that black pin.  You may miss him or long for his presence but life must go on and widows should find a new life and face the world.  Business goes on as usual.  It was slightly difficult that time because economy was not good and I began to question the Almighty as to why it happened to me.

Another emotional relief for widows is prayer. When I gave birth to my son in 1994, I forgot all about my spiritual obligations.  Motherhood took most of my time and became a second career of mine.  When my husband died, I turned to God and prayed. I admit I first started asking questions about why it happened, but the Lord answered by showing me that life is still good – business started to pick up, projects started to come in and positive thoughts began to overflow in my mind.  I guess the Lord really loves widows like me.  On my journey to widowhood, the Lord acted as my spiritual partner.  In the Book of Ruth in the Old Testament, God showered a lot of blessings to Ruth when her husband died. Ruth devoted herself as Servant of God and showed deep devotion to the people of Israel.  Later on, God blessed her with a new husband

 Young widows like me are vulnerable to men. Whoever we meet is seemingly a husband-to-be candidate. Luckily for me, I have been so busy as a career woman and mother that I did not think of getting married soon.  Honestly, I was not longing for a partner. Diet and exercise became therapeutic for me; I started to reinvent myself as a free-spirited woman and began to enjoy playing with my son just like the old times.

 When you are not longing for a partner, that’s the time somebody comes in and changes your whole perception of loving the second time around. In my case, somebody has come in but I am not saying he is already the one. Just like Ruth in the Old testament, you just have to allow divine intervention to rule your heart so that you are assured of the perfect partner the second time around.