How to help kids cope with the death of a parent

Children often harbor unfounded fantasies and fears that something dreadful may happen to their parent, especially if this parent works in a distant place. With the parent’s absence, the children may feel unprotected. But what if something dreadful actually happens to this parent? What if this parent meets an untimely death?

The understanding, perception and attitudes of children towards death depend on their emotional and cognitive development, particularly their capacity for abstract thinking. According to Jean Piaget, pre-school children under five are in their preoperational phase and are basically animistic. Children in this stage believe that everything, even inanimate objects like their toy cars or dolls, are alive. These kids are aware of death as if death is something similar to sleep. Thus, for them, separation is not permanent.

In Piaget’s next stage, the concrete operational phase between the ages of five and 10, children develop the sense of inevitable human mortality. Concrete operational children can experience the fear that their parents may die and they will eventually be abandoned. Older concrete operational children, those around nine to 10 years of age may already conceptualize death as something that can happen to a child as well as to their parent. Usually when children reach puberty, they gain the capacity to conceptualize death as universal, irreversible and inevitable.

According to Bowlby, the mourning process in children resembles that of separation. He identified three phases: protest, despair and detachment. In the protest phase, the child experiences a strong desire for the parent who has died and cries for the parent’s return. In the despair phase, the child starts to feel hopeless about the parent’s return. This child will start to cry intermittently and later on will withdraw. Apathy then follows. In the detachment phase, the child will start to relinquish some of his/her emotional attachment to the deceased parent. The child will subsequently start to show a revival of interest in the surrounding.

It is advisable that the disclosure about a parent’s untimely demise comes from other parents or from the caregiver closest to the children. The children should have a ready access to another person whom they can trust. There is indeed a need to find a person to substitute for the lost parent. This will have a buffering effect on the children’s fears and worries. If there is no person consistently available for the grieving children, the children may suffer severe psychological damage. These unsupported children will later on in life no longer look for or expect intimacy in any of their relationships. The surviving parent should make the children feel that they are not alone and even in the permanent absence of the deceased parent, that he or she is there to make sure that they will be cared for and protected from harm.

From the very onset of the news of the death of the other parent, you should tell the children about what has happened. This way, you are helping the children face the sudden changes in the family setting. Please don’t delay telling the children about the demise of the other parent.

Early disclosure of news of the parent’s accidental and untimely death will help the children adjust and get used to that situation. This will give them the chance to voice out questions and other concerns. The children will need time to get involved in the adjustments of the remaining parent and other children and to master and handle their fears and anxieties. And yes, even children need to grieve for the demise of their loved one.

It is of utmost importance that the remaining parent or parent surrogate continue with dialogues with the children to stress to them that even if adjusting to the situation is a difficult process, she or he and the children will be able to hurdle the obstacles and that they can manage the grief brought by the permanent absence of their departed parent. Emphasize to them that the sudden death is an unfortunate family tragedy and also emphasize that death is the ultimate end of a man’s life cycle, that man is not immortal and that death is something all of us must learn to accept. Tell them that such an awful circumstance can be talked about and worked through.

I know that the sudden transformation to being both mommy and daddy can be really overwhelming. Actually, you don’t have to camouflage your feelings and pain from your children. Just make sure you tell them that you don’t expect others to solve your woes nor to make you feel better. I feel that if your children know that you have other people (friends and other relatives) who are acting as your emotional support network during such difficult times, they will get some kind of reassurance that their remaining parent will be competent and strong enough to cope with the demise of their other parent.

If you have observations about your children’s reactions, go ahead and talk about what your children have seen, heard or felt. Acknowledging such feelings and reactions will make them feel that they are not in any way responsible for their parent’s permanent absence from the family and from this world. Don’t discourage your children from making comments about their observations especially when things are not turning out so well. This is something to be talked about and processed in order to avoid adverse emotional or behavioral maladaptive behavior.

Should the children attend the funeral? This is a question that is often asked and I can offer no hard and fast rule. In my opinion, if the child expresses the desire to go to the parent’s funeral, the child’s wish should be respected. If the child is reluctant or refuses to go, such wish should also be respected. Usually, I advise the surviving parent to encourage the children to attend the funeral so that the burial will not be fantasized as something frightening or as a distorted mystery.

Keep in mind that you should always be there to listen and dialogue with your kids. If, despite your emotional support system, you still feel inadequate to handle the queries and grief of your kids and your own mourning and bereavement, it would be most beneficial for you to seek professional advice. Life must go on for you and your children.

(If you have problems about love, looks and relationships, do send your letters to The Philippine Star c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 309 Medical Arts Bldg., St. Luke’s Medical Center; fax. no: 723-11-03; Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St. cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93; e-mail address: ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo.com)