Are you prepared to marry?

If there’s one thing Columban priest Fr. Dave Clay believes with all his heart, it is that "Marriage is a beautiful thing." So beautiful, in fact, that he has made it his ministry to convince couples that marriage is so. Since 1965 when he arrived in the Philippines, Fr. Clay has reached out to couples preparing for marriage, those who are already married, or those who would like to repair a shaky marriage through weekend seminars, talks, or one-on-one counseling, always in the hope that couples will come to appreciate marriage as a beautiful, sacred, love-based, God-centered lifetime commitment.

"When I see all these beautiful couples in the society pages," Fr. Clay shares, "I wonder: Have they been prepared? Are they really prepared? Because a wedding is just for a day, while a marriage is forever." So concerned is Fr. Clay about spiritually preparing couples for marriage that he says, "It would be irresponsible for any priest to marry a couple without first preparing them."

This is why Fr. Clay continues to spearhead the Catholic Engaged Encounter (CEE), a weekend encounter for couples who are not yet married but are thinking of getting married:1) those who already have set a date for marriage; 2) those who haven’t chosen a date; 3) those who are not even engaged but have a serious relationship; or 4) those living-in or are civilly married but want to get married in church.

"The CEE is also for non-Catholics or non-Christians," explains Fr. Clay. "We don’t focus on religion, we focus on relationships. We’ve had Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus. Marriage is not second-class because you’re not a Catholic or not a Christian. How can it be second class when it comes from God? As Catholics, we see it as a sacrament. Some non-Catholics see it as a sacrament, some non-Catholics don’t. But it doesn’t make marriage any less."

While Fr. Clay considers the CEE as a specific means of preparation, especially for couples who have doubts going into a marriage, he believes there are important ways couples can prepare themselves for marriage on a daily basis:

• Learn how to be others-centered; learn how to respect. "The best way to be spiritually prepared for marriage is to learn how to be unselfish," says Fr. Clay. "Learn how to think of the other person before you think of yourself. Marriage is not about changing your partner, it’s about changing yourself for your partner.

"I’ve discovered that in Philippine culture, the boys are spoiled – and the women have to pay the price. (For example) the men expect the wives to treat them the way their mothers did. But remember (what the Bible said), ‘In marriage a man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and the two become one.’

"Marriage is being loved by another human being and being able to love another human being. You have to focus on each other and realize you’re not marrying an angel, you’re marrying another human being. You marry a person not to change her but to love her. Through example, either one can help the other."

• Realize that marriage is a love triangle. "Marriage is a vocation, a calling from God. What couples do not realize is that God has to be part of marriage in any religion or culture because it comes from God. You can call God whatever name you’d like but He’s still the same God.

"A marriage is a love triangle with God at the center. God is the center because He is the One who gave marriage because He wants to share with humankind His own life. And we can’t have life without God. When He gave Adam and Eve life, He gave them the ability to produce new life and that’s through marriage. God is really sharing with us His creative power. He has to be there; if we leave Him out, it would be silly. But many don’t know that.

"Recognize that we are not alone in this world and you won’t be alone when you marry. If you trust in your own efforts and your own strengths alone, it’s not going to work."

• Learn how to communicate. "Conversation is different from communication. A conversation is talking about the weather, about sports, etc. Communication is talking about ‘how I feel.’ There’s a difference. For example, if a wife says, ‘I feel that you come home too late,’ that’s not a feeling, that’s a judgment, an accusation. But if she says, ‘When you come home late, I feel upset,’ there’s a difference – that’s communication.

"Another observation – the women have a tremendous capacity for pain in this culture. So they won’t complain and it might take them a lot to complain. Again this is a general observation – the men are very insensitive to the pain of the women. So when you have that combination, things can get out of hand. The marriage is broken up before they realize it. The man doesn’t notice the pain, he’s insensitive to it. The wife can tolerate a lot of pain and not speak of it. If he were more sensitive to her pain he’d say, ‘Hon, what’s wrong?’ If she weren’t willing to bear the pain she’d say, ‘I’m in pain’ and share it with her husband.’ Then they can start working on the cause.

"You have to learn how to listen and you have to learn how to share your feelings honestly. Sharing is like going to the cardiologist or dentist – you’re not blaming your doctors, you’re sharing what’s happening to you."

• Love yourself. "If you don’t love yourself for whatever reason, how can you love another person? Some people don’t really love themselves as they should so how can they love someone else?

"The best definition of love I’ve ever seen is by psychoanalyst Eric Fromm: To love means to give one’s self without condition, without guarantee, in the hope that your love will produce love in the loved person. Isn’t that beautiful?"

• Know that you’re making a DECISION. "Why did your partner choose you over others? He could find a more beautiful woman, a more intelligent woman. The point is, he made a decision to love you. It’s not just a feeling or else everytime he sees another girl, he’ll go crazy because how many beautiful girls can he see everyday? Or (in a woman’s case) how many times can you see a handsome man everyday? You’ll go mad!

"You have to make a decision to commit yourself to the one you love. At times you may not be lovable, just as at times your partner or friends are not lovable, but still you have to decide to stick it out."

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"I’m a romantic," concludes Fr. Clay. "I see marriage and it’s so beautiful and I’m so happy that God placed me here – I can affirm couples in their relationships by showing them how wonderful it is. I wouldn’t share how beautiful marriage is unless I really am convinced."

(Fr. Dave Clay be reached at tel. nos. 523-3361 or 525-0308; fax 525-0364; or e-mail frdaveclay@yahoo.com, Columban House 1857 Singalong St., Manila.)

E-mail the author at: annmondo@yahoo.com