Reconciliation

I’ve been appearing as expert witness for annulment cases for the past decade and several times I’ve been asked either by the judge, the prosecutor or the representative of the Office of the Solicitor-General if I often recommend the filing of a petition for the declaration of nullity of marriage to couples whose marriages are on the rocks. Of course, my answer has been "no." I tell them that I first recommend marital therapy and counseling to the couples. All attempts to save the marriage must be carried out first. If, despite psychotherapeutic sessions, there is still a spouse relational problem and the marital situation appears to be impossible to save, only then should annulment or legal separation be discussed as possible options.

So if you’re a young married couple who are starting to experience marital crisis, better do something about it to abort a possible separation. There’s no harm in seeking marital counseling with professionals. The children are usually the unfortunate tormented victims of such separations. Young children of broken families are often brought to a child psychiatrist’s clinic because of maladaptive behavior or academic deterioration. Majority of these children wish to see their parents living together again.

Separations, divorces or annulments tend to run in families and percentages seem to be high among couples who marry as teenagers or come from different socio-economic backgrounds. If a person’s parents were legally separated, he or she may choose to resolve a marital crisis in the same way through a legal separation.

Here are some tips on how to reconcile your differences with your spouse:

• Re-assess your expectations of your spouse. These expectations may be unrealistic and impossible to fulfill. So you’ve got to make such expectations more realistic. If you married a man who is not "genetically" rich, then don’t dream of living in a "Boracay" mansion. Be content with your townhouse or condo unit. Don’t expect your spouse to be a perfect all-giving mother or a magically protective father.

• Keep in mind that the parenting experience places the greatest strain on a marriage. Talk about your difficulties in handling your children. Formulate strategies that both of you can do in modifying your child’s negative behavior. A child’s illness creates the greatest strain of all. In marriages in which a child has died through illness or accident, a big percentage (over 50 percent) are said to have ended being separated. Learn to be emotionally supportive during such difficult trials.

• Learn to discuss marital problems as partners. Learn to listen and to arrive at compromise solutions. Other frequent causes of marital distress are problems about sex and money. Withholding sex or money is a means of expressing aggression. Learn to verbalize your feelings instead of refusing to have sex with your spouse.

• Don’t take each other for granted. Through years of living together, married couples often take each other for granted and don’t show their affection for each other anymore. Once in a while, both of you should verbalize your love for each other. Remind each other of why you fell in love with each other. This is the main reason why, despite each other’s imperfections, you are still living together and trying to make things work out.

Don’t ever take a passive-aggressive stance by not talking about the problem and just doing things that all the more will anger your spouse. If your husband comes home late and drunk, don’t just ignore him by giving him a silent protest and consuming alcohol, too. Keep in mind that communication between partners bridges the gap and void in your relationship. Talk to him when he is more sober.

• Discuss the major dissensions in your marriage. Explain, for example, the difficulties in your sexual life and why you refuse the other. Talk about how you feel about the quality of your married life. Talk about how each of you have adjusted to make the marriage work. Discuss ways to mutually fulfill each other’s needs. Learn to communicate your differences and to accept criticism so each of you can become better marital partners.

• Lastly, you’ve got to learn to forgive and give your marriage a second chance.

Happy Easter!

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Warm greetings to my friends who celebrating their birthdays this month: Goldie Castro, Em-J, Joey and Ogie Ramos (all of the Retrospect), Cynthia de Guia and Joseph Lagom.

Congratulations to UP-College of Medicine Class 2003 including my son, Bernard, who will graduate on April 23 at the PICC.

Condolences to the family and friends of Anthony Valero for his untimely demise last April 12 in San Francisco, California. Your sudden parting has left a void in the hearts of your loved ones. Farewell, friend and textmate!

(In case you have other problems particularly about love, looks and relationships, you would want me to discuss in this column, do send your letters to The Philippine STAR c/o Allure section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street cor. San Miguel Avenue, Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93.)