Are you better off being single?

How many times have you gotten into a relationship wherein it’s more trouble than it’s worth? Devoid of any emotional mess for quite sometime, I have often observed both my female and male friends mess up their lives unnecessarily because of the fear of being alone. Most of my single female friends who have never been married are so desperate they go out with anyone who gives them the slightest glimmer of hope of getting to the altar. They go on this quest like Charlotte of Sex and the City and well, we all know where that ended. Although, there are a few who don’t care for marriage because they are cynical and jaded (myself included) 99 percent of women feel the need to have a relationship because of self-imposed pressure, plus the added pressure from the Filipino culture that they have to be someone’s girlfriend or wife. Thus, they forget the most important thing. That finding a partner is just the first step and a relationship is a whole other thing.

When we get into a relationship in our teens or early twenties our emotional slates in our romantic lives or love lives are clean. We go into a relationship with idealistic hearts and minds believing that love is enough. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but I’m sorry to say love is not enough. When we get past our twenties, we may have gone through several heartaches and have formed some personal issues because of being with the wrong person. Therefore all the men and women dating out there have been heartbroken at least once or twice. Knowing that for a fact, it becomes a different jungle out there. The rules are now different, the balance is now off, some men and women have more battle scars in the romance area than others. Those are whom we call damaged goods.

I have often seen both women and men go out with recently divorced or separated partners and although they love each other the baggage brought about by the divorced person is a handful. Both these people are so afraid of being alone they cling to each other without seeing that the relationship is a complete mess. More often than not, one of the partners will have to atone for the hurtful past of the divorced one. Sooner or later, when the other partner decides not to be a doormat he or she will leave, bringing a new set of emotional baggage and then a vicious cycle continues on to the next relationship.

As we get older the categories for finding a partner start changing for most women–financial stability and security is a high mark on their list. For men, emotional stability and good looks are the marks to look for. So everyone’s mindset changes and most people settle for what they can get even if it isn’t right for them as long as one category on their list matches. Some women are lucky enough to marry a super wealthy man that enables them to do lunch and shop every day of the week and yet they are unhappy because something is missing. Some men are married to the most beautiful woman they can find and yet they feel empty because she doesn’t fulfill all of his needs, either.

Married couples are no exception to this rule either; most successful marriages have two people growing and changing in the same direction. They both grow and learn about life taking the same path. But there are some marriages that are just doomed to fail no matter what the Catholic Church tells you and all the counseling you get. If two people grow in different directions they become two different people and sometimes the person you married isn’t who you want anymore. Why should you stay in a marriage that will make you miserable? It’s unhealthy–not to mention stupid. So you have kids to consider, so what! Kids today are more resilient than you think. You cannot be a good mother or father if you are unhappy with your marriage because eventually you will be unhappy with yourself, take it out on your kids and wham! Your kid ends up a drug addict or in therapy for all his issues.

I have listened to endless whining and rationalizations of people trying to save their relationships. They are so blinded by false pride and their ideas of love that they can’t seem to see the big picture. When a relationship is over, don’t overlook the obvious signs if you are in pain and misery more times than you are happy. Helloooo! Get on with the program and dump him!

It really irks me when I see a friend crying in pain over someone and it is so obvious that there is no future in the relationship and yet they hang on because they fear that they may find no one else. What is that all about? Why should you settle for someone who is a pain in the ass? Have you no self-esteem? Each one of us deserves the very best in life. Don’t settle for someone mediocre because you want a companion or because you’re lonely. If you want a constant companion go buy yourself a dog! But don’t settle for just anyone because in the end you will end up two unhappy people and that ultimately sucks. As I always say: If you want the pain, don’t complain!

Now tell me: Am I idealistic in believing that being in love with someone or having someone love you shouldn’t make you cry and miserable about yourself? Love is supposed to be comfortable and easy. It should make you glow, not like you have been through hell. I just feel that anything worth it should feel good and not make you reach out for a Valium or a glass of vodka. Not everything in love is smooth sailing, of course, but almost 90 percent of the time, things should be smooth sailing, not vice versa.