'When should I tell my child that he is adopted?'

Dear Dr. Jao,

I always read your column. I’m a 30-year-old housewife. I’ve been married for 10 years. Since I can’t bear a child, my husband and I adopted a child seven years ago. My son is now seven years old and is in grade 1. We recently noted that he has been stealing and lying at home and in school. He also asked me if I am his real mother. Please advise me. I don’t know if I should tell him the truth.

Sincerely yours,
Sheila of Caloocan City

Dear Sheila,

Thank you for reading my column regularly.

You know Sheila, I’ve been frequently asked when is the best or right time to tell your adopted child that you’re not the biological parent. My answer is usually this: The best time to tell him that you are not the real parent is as soon as possible. When you’re putting your baby to sleep, sing a lullaby telling the infant that he/she is special and that is why you chose him/her to take into your home and raise as your own child.

In your case, talk to your seven-year-old son and ask him why he asked you if you are his real mom. You know, a lot of times, adopted children hear rumors or hostile comments from neighbors or even from members of their own households about their adopted status. Secrets cannot be kept forever. It is better that your son learn the truth about his real identity from you and your husband. Stealing and lying are the usual maladaptive reactions when children are emotionally distressed. If the stealing and lying persist, it would be better if you can bring your son to a child psychiatrist for professional help.

It would also be better if you legally adopt your son if you have not done so. This would safeguard the legal rights of your son in the future. Oftentimes, we hear of squabbles among relatives questioning the right of the "adopted child" when the adoptive parents are already deceased.

Legally adopting a child is the process wherein the child is taken into a family by one or more adults who are not the biological parents but are recognized by law as the child’s parents. In the US, 52 percent of children are adopted by people not related to them by birth or marriage and 48 percent are adopted by relatives or stepparents. A big percentage of adopted children are born out of wedlock and about 40 percent of all such children are born to teenage mothers.

From surveys done in the US, most adoptive parents reveal to their adopted children their status between the ages of two and four years old. Informing children about their adoption will reduce the possibility that the children learn of it from sources outside the family and then feel betrayed by their adoptive parents and abandoned by their real or biological parents.

Behavioral and emotional problems such as aggressive behavior, stealing and learning disturbances are more commonly seen among adopted children compared with the non-adopted children. Usually, the later the age of adoption, the higher the incidence and the more severe the degree of the resulting behavioral problems.

It usually happens that throughout childhood and adolescence, adopted children may become preoccupied with fantasies of having two sets of parents. An adopted child may then split these two sets of parents into good and bad parents. Almost all adopted children usually will have a persistent desire to know their biological parents. It can happen that the adopted children will start to pattern themselves after their fantasized behavior of their biological parents and this may cause a conflict with their adoptive parents. Don’t become frantic about this information, because in most cases wherein the adopted children have sought out and met their biological parents and vice versa, the experience has been generally positive, especially if the child is in the late teens or early adulthood and they don’t abandon their adoptive parents. At this developmental stage, the adopted children usually learn to appreciate the special care and nurturing given to them by their adoptive parents.

I hope this column has been of some help to you, Sheila. I certainly hope that you and your husband continue be loving and nurturing parents to your son.

* * *

(In case you have other problems particularly about love, looks and relationships, you would want me to tackle in this column, do send your letters to The Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506, Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street, cor. San Miguel Avenue, Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77.)