Is my husband gay?

Dear Dr. Jao,

Please help me with my problem which has been bothering me lately. I have so many questions in my mind and I surely hope you could enlighten me.

The question I’d like to ask is "How would you know if your husband is gay?" I’ve become doubtful of my husband’s sexuality after observing some signs. He’s an OFW and I learned from him that there are a lot of Pinoy homosexuals abroad perhaps due to the strict rules there about male-to-female relationships. I’ve been bothered because every time my husband is home for a vacation, he has lots of stories to tell about Pinoy men there. Whenever he goes out with male friends, he rarely invites me to go out with them. He confided to me one time that he was also asked by an American employer, whose family he works for on the side apart from his regular job, if he’s gay or not. Another story was about a foreigner who allegedly chased him while he was jogging one morning.

But what really shocked me was when I saw this VHS tape with videos taken by my husband himself. In the tape, several Pinoy men who are friends of my husband were gathered in a room for a drinking spree. When it was his turn to hold the camera, my husband focused several times on the crotch of his friends at the same time uttering some vulgar words. In another scene, he focused on a foreigner, his friend perhaps, who was standing and then later ordered him to take off his shirt thereby revealing his hairy chest, upon which my husband commented "Aaay... type!" I still haven’t asked my husband about this but if given the chance, would it be proper to ask him?

I’m confused, Dr. Jao, whether my husband is putting up a front while here in our country and having a different personality while abroad. In fact, attitude-wise, he’s more feminine than me in the sense that he talks a lot, he finds fault in almost everything I do at ang hilig niyang manumbat, while I just keep my mouth shut to avoid a heated argument.

I don’t know if this has something to do with the way he was raised. You see, he grew up under the care of an older sister with whom he got very close and also with several other sisters. Up to now, it’s as if my husband has no principles of his own because his decisions and opinions are still influenced by his sister. Nasasayangan ako sa pagkalalaki niya because he has so much drive in himself which he could use to reform his personality. I’ll wait for your explanation in your regular Sunday column, Security Blanket which I never fail to read. I badly need your help.

Sincerely,
Bothered Babe

Dear Bothered Babe,

First of all, thank you for reading my column regularly.

You did not mention in your letter the quality of your sex life. Anyway, you do have basis to be doubtful about your husband’s sexuality. I don’t see anything wrong if you tell your husband about your doubts. It’s important to discuss such doubts or you will remain forever miserable and speculating about so many negative things when he is not with you. Mistrust has no place in a marital relationship. Why would your husband marry you if he were gay in the first place? Why would he strive and work double time in a far away place if he does not love you and desire to give you a better life? Perhaps he and his friends were just having fun and fooling around during the video taking. Was the VHS tape accidentally left behind? If not, you have nothing to fear. Your husband must be macho-looking to be chased by a male foreigner.

A lot of Filipino men don’t bring along their wives when they’re out with their male peer group. So don’t feel bad if your husband does not bring you along on such occasions. Again, if you feel slighted by this, talk it over with him.

Let me first differentiate gender identity from gender role. Gender identity is one’s sense of being male or female. So a person with no gender identity problem will be able to tell you that he/she is male or female. Gender role is the behavioral pattern that shows a person’s gender identity. It is the image of maleness or femaleness communicated to the public.

Listed below are the criteria for Gender Identity Disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-IV which will help you find out if your spouse is gay or not.

A. A strong and persistent cross-gender identification (not merely a desire for any perceived cultural advantages of being the other sex).

In children, the disturbance is manifested by four or more of the following:

1. Repeatedly stated desire to be, or insistence that he or she is, the other sex.

2. In boys, preference for cross-dressing or simulating female attire; in girls, insistence on wearing only stereotypical masculine clothing.

3. Strong and persistent preferences for cross-sex roles in make-believe play or persistent fantasies of being the other sex.

4. Intense desire to participate in the stereotypical games and pastimes of the opposite sex.

5. Strong preference for playmates of the other sex.

B. Persistent discomfort with his or her sex or sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex.

In children, the disturbance is manifested by any of the following: In boys, assertion that his penis or testes are disgusting or will disappear or assertion that it would be better not to have a penis, or aversion toward rough-and-tumble play and rejection of the male stereotypical toys, games and activities; in girls, rejection of urinating in sitting position, assertion that she has or will grow a penis, or assertion that she does not want to grow breasts or menstruate, or marked aversion toward normative feminine clothing.

In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as preoccupation with getting rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics (e.g. request for hormones, surgery, or other procedures to physically alter sexual characteristics to simulate the other sex) or belief that he or she was born the wrong sex.

C. The disturbance is not concurrent with a physical intersex condition.

D. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

Treatment of gender identity disorder is complex. It is rarely successful if the goal set is to reverse the disorder. This is because most people with this problem are unwilling to change. If ever they go for therapy, it is usually for the depression or anxiety that they attribute to the disorder.

I certainly hope this article will help you, Bothered Babe. To prevent aggravating your spouse’s relational problem, you may consider seeking professional help.

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(In case you have other problems, particularly about love, looks and relationships, you would want me to discuss in my column, do send your letters to The Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street cor. San Miguel Avenue, Pasig; fax no. 631-3877; tel. no. 633-3893)