Whatever happened to Christmas?

Christmas has become such a bastardized holiday. It’s definitely been taken over by those blasted corporate moguls who decided to charge their success to the birth of Jesus (who, according to some claims, was actually born sometime in July).

Oops… dare I give the mall millionaires, greeting card gurus, and brand franchisees another month within the year to take advantage of?

Welcome to Christmas hell.

All together no–let’s sing to the tune of The First Noel:

The first noel, the angels did say

"Let’s enjoy the true meaning ‘til gifts get in the way..."

In malls where we, like a flock of lost sheep

Try to keep within budget while shopping a heap!

Noel, not swell, can’t you tell, oh well…

Welcome to what’s known as Chri–ist–mas hellllllllll!

Folks annoyed, a million cars

Are miles closer to the sale by far

And to those panic buyers it gave great fright

Would they be on the road all night?

Noel, not swell, can’t you tell, Oh well…

Welcome to what’s known as Chri–ist–mas hellllllllll!

You could blame the Three Kings for bringing the Newborn gold, frankincense, and myrrh but least they were on the right track in celebrating Christmas! Whatever happened to the true reason for the season? The essence of the holiday disappears under all the torn gift wrappers. Or it gets accidentally mixed into the eggnog that helps keep all the elder folk drunk off their wits, possibly creating candidates for rehab!

Excuse me for being the grinchette who swears off majestic ham and uses parols as stress piñatas.

I actually used to love Christmas. Naïve kids usually do. I got sucked in by all the glittering lights along the city’s busy streets, magnificently wrapped presents, the merriment of being surrounded by family and friends, the jealousy of getting smaller packages, the triumph of racking up more gifts. I was such a brat.

I got wiser as I grew older, of course. Catholic school taught me how to see the goodness in giving rather than receiving. This is probably the one thing I took along with me on my journey through purgatorious living; it’s what keeps me a notch above hell, plainly put.

I’m not really sure what it is about Christmas at this point in my life that gets me so negative and anxious. Or twentysomethings my age, for that matter! Everyone just seems to be so stressed out, beaten down, caved in. Everything seems to be a problem–nothing to wear to the parties; no budget for gifts; in dire need of losing 10 pounds before gorging on Noche Buena feast.

And then there are those who relate everything to love– or the lack of it. And Gary Valenciano’s yuletide song doesn’t seem to help any:

Pasko na, T@*g-ina, wala pa ’kong sinta...

Why the desperate need to hook up with someone during the holidays? Isn’t there enough joyous activity throughout the season to keep one preoccupied? And lest we forget, Christmas is the birthday of Jesus, not Noah. The former never expected his guests to arrive in pairs.

Single Belles...and Boys–now sing this to the tune of Jingle Bells:

Dashing through five rows

On a mere three-lane highway;

To the malls they go,

Pressure each passing day!

Belles a-single cringe,

Lone rangers uptight;

What fun it is at Christmas time

When it’s a solo flight?

Oh! Single belles! And boys as well! Mingle all the way

The plan is just to hide if they don’t hook dates anyway...

Hey! Single belles! And boys as well! What a sad display

Guess their Christmas will be filled with depression and dismay!

Notice I didn’t do away with single men in the equation of this dizzying Lonely Christmas Syndrome. Why? Simply because guys yearn for the sense of companionship just as badly as women.

[NOTE: Yes, I did a survey. And a good 18 out of 20 single guys responded with things like, "It’s (Christmas)time when you’d like to share the joy with someone special" and all that jazz. Considering that–from the two who said they couldn’t care less–one admitted he wasn’t normal, and the other is still in denial about being single for a good while now, I’d say I racked up 100 percent in the "I’d rather be with someone than alone at Christmas" department.]

My advice to all those relationship-starved souls out there?

Be relieved. Be very relieved.

Don’t believe me? Here are a few reasons why being single during Christmas is actually a blessing in the sky! (As proudly proclaimed by the legendary Vilma Santos. What an eloquent lady! She is a mayor after all)

The Santa Clause

So your own list of people to spend for–not to mention all those presents yet unwrapped–have already climbed the heights of Everest. Imagine all the extra hassle of having to think of twice that during the maddening rush!

What to get for his entire basketball squad? What to give her war-freak father who always happens to be polishing his gun? And what about her nieces and nephews? Or his bitchy older sister who refuses to let her left eyebrow relax?

Surely you’ll need that sleigh with those flying reindeer to deliver it all–and on time! (Need I remind you about Traffic Central?)

Honestly, having to venture out of your own familial and social circle when it comes to getting gifts is an added headache. Yes, people often put it aside until all the madness is done. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if the general mortality rate of relationships heavily increases after Christmas.

Face it. Times are hard. And prancing around as Santa and showering a good 95 percent of the population with presents–without knowing more than half of these lucky recipients all too well, much less even like them–will not only leave you high and dry but physically down and out.

Your place or mine?

Christmas is a time when it’s nice to be surrounded by the ones you love–not by those you have no choice but to be congenial with for the sake of your bloody partner–his annoyingly rowdy beer buds; her crazy aunts from out of town; in-laws to be.

Worse still–what a pain it is to divide precious time and prime events! That’s if you want to be two peas forever in the same pod throughout the holiday.

Girl: Hun, my great aunt Wanda is in town for a week, and she’ll be with us this Christmas Eve. I’d really like for you to meet her.

Guy: I was kind of hoping to head out to Jason’s house and hang with the gang. I don’t have anything with my family until the 25th. Besides, his new girlfriend really digs you. Come with me?

Girl: Have you no sense of family whatsoever? All you people do is guzzle down beer and laugh at the dumbest things! Besides, that girl’s strange; she wanted to know if I could house her for a month!

Guy: Well, where’s your hospitality?

Girl: I think housing my great aunt and her annoying dog that sheds all over the house is more than enough!

Guy: You know I’m allergic to dogs. Did you purposely want me to get my allergies while visiting your stupid aunt?

Girl: How dare you! She’s ready to die any day. You’re so insensitive!

Guy: If I even step foot into your house and take a whiff of that dog, I’ll probably die before she does. And if I survive, your mom’s cooking is sure to finish me off…

Girl: Arrrggghhhhhh!

Whatever happened to giving love on Christmas day? So much for that practice…

Okay, now if all that still hasn’t thrown you solitary folk out there off the I-need-a-mate-right-now track, I guess I can turn the tables and give you some positive feedback about the odds of hooking someone over the Christmas season. I must reiterate, though–you have been warned!

Don’t Rest Ye Desperate Women (Sing to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen)

Don’t rest, ye hairy gentlemen; let nothing dismay you.

Remember, ye must look damn good to try and hook a mate!

So go and get yourself cleaned up before chicks run away...

Chorus:

O you too must be quite a nice boy, respectable boy!

O you must try to be a good boy!

Don’t rest, ye desperate women; let nothing dismay you.

Since it’s the Christmas holiday, you’ll have some time to play!

Forget your work and meet new guys, it’s time to flirt away...

Chorus:

O you must make an effort to employ all your forces to enjoy

O that wonder you women call a special boy!

In Barber shops, in style salons, a gorgeous babe was born,

And laid with a cute stranger upon this blessed morn;

In which some friends and relatives did take in dreadful scorn.

Chorus:

Well at least she ain’t dreadfully forlorn; grew a few horns!

And the same goes for the new stud all reborn!

All excess spending and gift-giving pressure aside, there usually is a more, hmmm, encouraging vibe that fills the air come December. There are still some virtuous people who are naturally more open to going that extra mile to be nice, crack a smile, be a little more charitable.

Not that being single makes you a charity case altogether. Unless your intentions are purely carnal–then there is something to be said in your progress report.

I believe what sets apart the desire to have someone special over for Christmas–as opposed to any other time throughout the year–is that there is this innate need to be consumed by a certain sense of belonging in a season promising a happy ending.

Nothing about Christmas is meant to connote the least bit of negativity. And being alone very well displays some sort of lack, that there’s something missing and necessary in order to complete the whole puzzle of you.

And I refuse to blab on about that whole you-don’t-need-anyone-to-complete-you spiel (even though I am a firm endorser of it). It’s just that, as a warm-blooded mammal, I know we were created to live with others of the same species. We were never meant to be alone. And Christmas is a celebration of just that.

So if it’s companionship you’re after, nobody will fault you for it. However, instead of giving yourself the added pressure of having to hook someone just to say you’re not lonesome this holiday season–open your eyes and look around you.

Your folks. Your best friend. Your household helper who watched you grow up. That neighbor who never fails to send you a fruitcake every Christmas. Your favorite aunt. That pesky little brother who is dying to get even just a little nod from you. Your workmate who always shares her cup of noodle soup at lunch. Your shaggy dog Fergus.

Tell me there isn’t an abundance of people ready to take you in and make you feel as special as you want to be.

And if it is indeed a fact that there are genuine souls out there hungry for the warmth of true love, then maybe I’ll consider putting Christmas back on my to-do list this December.