How to deal with your teenager?
November 3, 2002 | 12:00am
Being a parent of teenagers can be exciting and memorable, but it can also be a burden. I thank God for giving me two wonderful children, Bernard and Bernadette, who make my life worthwhile.
I distinctly remember when Bernard, then 12 years old, asked me when I would give him his independence. I almost panicked and I didn’t know how to react appropriately. After breathing deeply for a few minutes, I asked him what he meant by independence. What a great relief! All he wanted was just to be allowed to commute once in a while to his school, La Salle Greenhills, and sometimes to the mall without me or his dad tagging along since a lot of his peers were already being allowed to do so. Though with some amount of ambivalence, I granted Bernard’s request after I discussed the matter with his father.
About six years ago, at around 5 a.m., someone pounded on our gate since the buzzer was not working. My heart almost popped out of my chest when the middle-aged man introduced himself as the father of my son’s girlfriend. "Oh no! What has my son done?" I wondered. The man then requested me to wake up my son. I asked him why and it was a good thing I was not trembling. The man then smiled and said that his car key got locked inside their family car and my son had a duplicate key. Hey! It was just a key! Boy, I sure am lucky to have a son who is good, morally-upright, industrious, intelligent, diligent, loving and very thoughtful! Bernard or Ninoboy as we fondly call him, is now a medical intern at the Philippine General Hospital.
I have not graduated yet from being a parent of a teen-ager. My daughter, Bernadette is now 19. Like her kuya, she has not made parenting a burden. In fact, Bernadette and I are like buddies. But even if we’re buddies, I still get some surprises. Several months ago, before I was about to leave for my clinic, Bernadette requested for money so she could have her hair trimmed since we were going to the Strumms El Pueblo disco that night to celebrate her 19th birthday with relatives and a few friends. When I returned home, I shrieked when I saw Bernadette emerge from the bathroom. She had her hair cut real short and she sported an almost clean-cut hair style (ala Em-J of Retrospect).
The next day, upon the suggestion of a friend, Marie Sahagun, Bernadette changed the color of her black hair to golden blonde (ala Goldie of Retrospect). When I saw her that time, I was not anymore a shrieking mom since I learned to assume a more matter-of-fact attitude. Well, my dear readers, that was my Bernadette’s declaration of independence. I’m still looking forward to more surprises and excitement in my life as a parent of a female adolescent.
What if your teenaged son or daughter declares a state of rebellion?
Those among you who are parents of teenagers may already know that this is the period of Great Rebellion. This is the period when communication between parents and adolescents may start to break down. Usually, but paradoxically, this is the time when the adolescent needs to talk the most with his or her parents. He or she is entering a phase that may be terrifying. Even if teenagers may need and want to communicate with their parents, they may believe as their peers do that adults, especially their parents, don’t really understand them. As a result of this strong conviction, they tend to withdraw into their own world and start defying adults in the home and school setting.
No one really has the right or "magic" formula that will ensure a successful attempt to unlock the adolescent’s world. I would surely be famous by now if I had that formula. I’m not trying to be pessimistic. If the adolescent starts to manifest a defiant stance against his/her parents, the parent-adolescent relational problem may probably remain the same for some time. This does not mean though that their problem will remain the same for the rest of their lives.
Talking to your child who is in the early teenage years (i.e., about sex) would not be beyond the reach of parents if they had started a special line of communication with their child from the latter’s childhood. Parents who will start establishing lines of communication with their adolescent children only at this time may have only a small chance of success.
You may try these two strategies with your early adolescents:
Alternative #1. Find an outsider who will be acceptable to your child, someone he/she has known and someone whom he/she trusts. This may be the homeroom teacher, the parish priest, or the family doctor. You need timing and diplomacy in telling your early adolescent that you would want him to talk to your chosen ally. For example, if you suspect that your early adolescent’s problem may be related to sex, you may tell him something like: "Son, maybe you’re not getting high grades as you used to get because you’ve got a lot of things on your mind. If you want you can talk to the parish priest. This is his telephone number."
Don’t forget to communicate to an adolescent that you’re there anytime he/she would want to talk about anything that may be bothersome. Don’t feel bad and don’t be fooled by the seeming disdain or sometimes even by the hostility an adolescent may present. This is expected of an early adolescent. Don’t worry about the apparent indifference of your adolescent.
If you have already informed your child about alternative #1, I’m sure he/she will carry this information around with him/her. When the time comes that your early adolescent would be ready to ask for help, your son/daughter will have a place to go. And most probably, he/she won’t even tell you that he/she has already gone for a talk with your outsider/ally.
Alternative #2. Give your young adolescent a book containing the kind of information you think will be beneficial. There are several reading materials available, so you may need professional advice in choosing the right reference. When you have the needed book, you may tell your early adolescent: "Here’s a book a friend sent me. It doesn’t seem to be meant for people my age. It may contain something that may interest you. Why don’t you take a look at it later?"
Let me warn you, though. Your early adolescent’s reaction may be that of disinterest but since it is already with your child, he/she has something to turn to for information.
You might be surprised to learn that in a lot of surveys done, adolescents–although, they think a lot about sex – mostly don’t give sex the highest priority in their lives. What a lot of the young adolescents prioritized were having fun, learning more about themselves and getting along with their parents. Far down the list of priorities was making out with the opposite sex.
I have discussed with you two alternative strategies for your early adolescents. Watch out for my next column for more strategies in handling your late- adolescent children.
(In case you have other problems particularly about love, looks and relationships, you would want me to tackle in this column, do send your letters to the Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street cor. San Miguel Avenue, Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77).
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