Anthony Pangilinan and Maricel Laxa: Why marriage is for keeps

Training specialist Anthony Pangilinan and actress and STAR columnist Maricel Laxa are every inch the picture of marital bliss, so it is amazing to discover that it had actually taken them painstaking struggle–which in the first year of their marriage even led them to consider an annulment–to achieve the solid, nine-year union they now have.

Anthony and Maricel took time off from their hectic preparations for the first-of-its-kind Philippine Parenting Convention (now on its second day and running until Oct. 29 at the NBC Tent in Fort Bonifacio, Global City), which they conceptualized and organized, to share with Allure how they saved and solidified their marriage. In the process, they revealed how other couples can do the same.

In a series of workshops, performances, and other related activities during the convention (featuring speakers like Fr. Ruben Tanseco, Chiqui Brosas-Hahn, Finance Secretary Lito Camacho and Sen. Francis Pangilinan), Anthony and Maricel hope to focus on the need to nurture children to become well-rounded individuals leading significant lives.

With their intimate revelations, Anthony and Maricel’s story is solid proof of the adage: "If there’s a will, there’s a way."

It started with taho

Anthony (A): I was finishing Architecture at UP Diliman and there was an on-the-spot painting contest. I was passing by when I saw some artists. Maricel was their model. I watched and I said, ‘Let’s give the model something to drink, kawawa naman. Let’s give her softdrinks or something.’

Then a lady beside me said, ‘She doesn’t drink softdrinks. Taho (soya milk) na lang.’ Yon pala, she was Maricel’s mother! Then when I got my wallet, wala akong pambayad! Yung mommy pa niya ang nagbayad! Nung ipinaabot ko yung taho, may note pa with a drawing of a star: (I wrote) ‘You are a star.’ She didn’t forget me after that.

You know, the very first time my future mother-in-law (former actress Imelda Ilanan) saw me, she said...

Maricel (M): ‘That’s the kind of guy you should marry!’

We met each other again at a disco exactly one year to the day. Kaka-break lang niya, kaka- break ko rin.

A: Nakita ko siya medyo nakainom, may problema, damsel in distress. She naman, she thought...

M: ‘My next victim!‘ (laughs heartily).

The Engagement

A: Hindi maganda yung matagal na engagement. It’s okay to have a long relationship, but not when you’re engaged. When you’re already decided, it’s going to be hard to separate your mind, your heart, your body. Pag sinaksak mo yung plantsa, iinit na yan. (If you don’t make up your mind), you’re going to split your system, your being. You end up being close then saying, ‘Dapat hindi too close; dapat expressive, dapat hindi too be expressive; I have the right but I don’t have the right yet’–things like that.

M: Ours was a whirlwind romance. We were ‘on’ for eight months then engaged for six months. I was 23 and he was 28 when we married.

Different Folks, Different Strokes

M: I grew up in a dysfunctional home–my parents separated–while Anthony grew up in a normal setting (Anthony is the sixth of nine children of Donato and Emma Pangilinan, who raised a family of achievers-Ed.).

Anthony is more domesticated than me; he can iron, (prepare a) menu–things I have no idea about because I’m more into hardware stuff like putting together a computer, tinkering with electric fans, aircons.

He was trying to establish himself as the man of the house. Me naman, I had this notion na Cinderella story, (that we will) live happily ever after; I’ll leave my career and serve him. But I wasn’t serving him right. I’d serve food...

A: ...that I wasn’t designed to eat, ha! ha!

M: That was a big deal to him. On my part, my mom was the one who took care of all the things that both a mom and a dad should have taken care of. She assigned to me most of the things my dad should do, like fix things.

I’m so emotional, sensitive. I’m an introvert, he’s an extrovert.

Unloading Excess Baggage

A: It affected us that she didn’t have a father. She was looking for a father in me so I had to play more roles than I had intended to. For example, when you want another person to take care of you, to secure you, provide for you, to be strong for you–these are things you’d expect from a parent. There were times when I didn’t know whether I was supposed to play the parent role or a spouse. That was the challenge. She acknowledges that the basic insecurity was there because she never had a father (at home) and she would look for him in other people.

M: We’re very thankful because even before we got married, we underwent a Biblical counseling program for six months under someone we highly respect.

We continued our counseling session for two years after we married–processing things, talking about them, being able to submit to each other and accountable to people.

A: Without that counseling we wouldn’t be here. One dimension of that counseling experience–this is very important–is the realization that we both had to work on ourselves.

M: This is what our counselor said: ‘Anthony, I don’t have a problem with Maricel. She already knows her problem. She’s the problem (laughs). My problem is with you; you don’t know your problem!’

A: He said, ‘Your problem is not knowing you have a problem.’ That’s it–not knowing that each person has an area of improvement. When you think that just because you were brought up in a regular family, that you’ve got things under control, that you’re leading a fairly good life, that you graduated with the St. La Salle Leadership Award (the highest honor bestowed on a graduating high school student in La Salle Greenhills), or student council chairman, my feeling was, ‘What else do I need?’ That’s the problem. You don’t spot the small things you have to change. You’re quick to judge. It’s a struggle.

Lessons Learned

A: One thing (I learned from our struggles) is to be more gentle–(to balance) wisdom with love. You may know what’s wrong, but how do you express it? Sometimes you win a debate but you damage the person, you violate the person.

M: There was one time when he came home and I was very eager to apologize to him about something I did wrong. And because he was tired he said, ‘Oh no problem, I forgive you. Let’s go to sleep na’ without even asking me why.

A: My words were ‘I forgive you’ but my action (with hand open, as a traffic policeman might signal ‘stop’) is saying, ‘Get away.’

I also learned to let go of certain traditions for the sake of the other person. Kasi nga our family is solid, we have major events that are impossible for me to miss. During our first Christmas Eve dinner–that’s a major event –we were on our way, inaway ako ni Maricel. In the end she wouldn’t go. So we didn’t go. I called and said, ‘We’re staying home.’ I could have left but for me it was a breakthrough. Although I had every right, I stayed and I said ‘This is my problem.’

A Public Dimension M: We were in the serious stage of filing an annulment already but we didn’t pursue it. Because when we approached our counselor and told him we had finally agreed on separating, he said, ‘The reason why you married and there were a lot of guests there (was because) they were your witnesses. When you get married you actually make a covenant with God. You made a commitment to each other and to God. And all those people who went to your wedding–you are accountable to them because they are your witnesses.’

A: Marriage is a public commitment.

M: That’s what people forget. Ang wedding, parang party na lang. Our counselor also said, ‘And all the affairs– like talks in churches that you were invited to encourage people to love each other–you are accountable to each of those people. I am not saying that you be conscious about what other people will say, but remember you are accountable to people. And to God.’

A: We realized that we had failed each other and then instead of saying, ‘Sige I’ll make up for it, sige I’ll be that person again,’ we accepted na ganoon talaga ang relationships. Two people cannot fill each other up entirely. Even if she will fail to meet some of my expectations–even as a friend–that is no cause for separation because it was never meant to be two people filling each other up anyway; God was meant to fill the gaps.

The Right Thing To Do

A: What convinces me we did the right thing (by staying together)? Two things. One is the way we decided, the process we went through. Because even if you doubt the results, if you review the process, when you think of what it took you to decide, you will be comforted again. Don’t focus on what happens in the end but how you went through it.

The second one is–and in all confidence I say this–because of God’s word: ‘What God put together, let no man separate.’ So no matter how I feel, there’s the belief that God hates divorce. God can question you beforehand–maybe He feels you have to be a little more mature–but once you decide, He forgets the past and He works on you now. There’s no turning back. I can tell you a hundred incidents that we kept on receiving God’s affirmation to move on.

M: A lot of my decisions are based on my feelings. I’m emotional, creative, spontaneous. I act according to the moment. But if there’s one thing that convinces me that we made the right choice to come back together, is the fact that I made a choice. I did not base it on my feelings. At that time I did not want it anymore; I did not want to have to deal with problems. I made the choice and after that, I fell in love with him. So the feeling came after I made the choice. It wasn’t the other way around.

Next, when I see my children now, I know I have made the right decision to marry the man who would be the father of my children because I can never imagine myself being married to someone else bringing up the kind of children I have. I had four children in five years.

Food For Thought

M: We only share (difficulties/problems) with the family if we have agreed that we will share them.

A: I don’t share problems with others unless I first share them with her.

M: When you share without the other’s consent, you violate each other. It’s better if we share it (an issue) if it has been dealt with.

A: My advice for couples who want to save their marriage is ‘ABF x three’, as in:

Accept the brutal facts. Huwag nang magkunwari. If it’s a mess, it’s a mess–but it doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. Truth sets you free after it pisses you off. So you’ve got to allow yourself to be pissed off first.

Anticipate a brighter future. God says He will complete the work He has begun. He didn’t say ‘you will complete it’ but ‘I will complete it.’ He engineers circumstances out of our control to make them work.

Act with bold faith. Don’t just hope for the future. You’ve got to do something now. Say sorry or send a text message to make up. Or kind of humble yourself to do something you wouldn’t normally do. You have to act. Sometimes we assess too much–analysis paralysis–we debate a lot but there’s no action. We just enjoy the desire of expressing ourselves.

M: Before you get to the problem, build roots first and make them strong. Marriage is something that needs a plan of action after much deliberation, thought, consultation.

God has designed us in a certain way for a special purpose. He has the blueprint for our marriage. God is the foundation of every marriage and unless He becomes the foundation, it will not stand.

Also, be committed to seeing that vision become a reality. It requires work, dedication, patience, effort and a lot of rest.

We love each other more now and we look forward to that growing love.

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(For inquiries on the Philippine Parenting Convention, contact BusinessWorks, Inc. at tel. no. 433-0387 or 434-0139)

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(For your comments and suggestions, e-mail the author at: [email protected])