'My parents dislike the woman I love!'

Dear Dr. Jao,

I’m a 32-year-old guy, still single. I have a girlfriend of one year and we have a big problem.

She is three years younger and we’re so in love with each other. We have plans to settle down as early as possible. But there is one hindrance to our relationship–my family. They disapprove of her because she has a child from her past, a very dark past. She was a rape victim.

Recently, my family heard some talk about her. This has made the situation even worse. So now I’m in a dilemma. So please give me your advice.

Thank you and more power!–Romeo

Dear Romeo,

I surmise that in the year you and your girlfriend have been together, you have more or less gotten to know each other’s good and bad traits. You’re apparently so in love with each other that you already have wedding plans. It appears that you have accepted your girlfriend for what she is. I’m glad that you have not taken her past against her. I admire your girlfriend for having the courage to disclose to you her unfortunate past and for valuing the life of her baby. It definitely is not easy to go on with a pregnancy brought about by rape.

It is unfortunate that your family does not approve of her. I know they just want the best for you. You did not mention what piece of gossip made your family dislike your girlfriend all the more. Will your marriage to a rape victim and single mother stain your family name in your community? If you truly feel that she is the best girl for you and if she feels the same for you, then go ahead and get married. You’re both adults, anyway. Both of you are mature enough to make a rational decision to settle down, especially if you are financially stable.

But first ask yourself these questions: How important is your family to you? Do you need their approval to make major decisions in your life? Do you have difficulty making everyday decisions without excessive advice and reassurance from others?

Do you have difficulty expressing disagreement within your family because of fear of loss of support or approval? Do you lack self-confidence in judgment so much so that you have difficulty doing things on your own? Do you go to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from your family, to the extent of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant?

Do you feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for yourself? Do you urgently seek another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends? Are you unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of yourself?

If your answer is "yes" to at least five of the above questions, my advice to you is not to go on with your wedding plans. You may have a dependent personality problem.

Persons with a dependent personality disorder usually will subordinate their own needs to those of others. They will usually let others like their family assume responsibility for major areas of their lives. They usually lack self-confidence. They experience great discomfort when they are alone for a long period of time. Usually, their performance at work is also impaired.

A person with a dependent personality disorder may benefit from psychotherapy. Insight-oriented therapy will help enable the dependent personality to understand the factors that gave rise to his behavior. With the support of a therapist, patients can become more independent, assertive and self-reliant. Medicines may also be prescribed if there are symptoms of anxiety or depression.

I certainly hope, dear Romeo, that you’re not a dependent person. If you become a happily married man and a father to wonderful children in the years to come, I’m sure that your family will learn to accept the woman you love.

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I would like to thank those who have sent positive feedback about this column through text messages, telephone calls, e-mails, fax and letters.

Belated happy birthday to Rep. Jesli Lapus!

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(In case you have other problems, particularly about love, looks and relationships, you would want me to discuss in this column, do send your letters to The Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street corner San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-3877)