Is your son gay?

QUESTION: I’m a 35-year-old housewife married to a 48-year-old military officer. I’m worried about my 17-year-old son. He has told me he is gay, and he is very scared of being beaten up by my husband once he finds out about his sexuality. Please help me handle this problem. How should I treat my son? How can I disclose to my husband that our son is gay? –Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

I understand the emotional anguish you’re going through with your son’s disclosure regarding his sexual orientation. It is good that you have kept communication lines open with your son. At least, he knows that he can rely on emotional support from you. Having a military officer for a father can be stressful for anyone, and perhaps doubly stressful for a son trying to hide his homosexuality.

Since you have a close relationship with your son, I’m pretty sure that you are also close to your husband. This is indeed an asset that will ease the way to your telling your husband the truth about your son’s gender identity. Perhaps you and your husband can have dinner in a cozy restaurant. And after dinner, you can tactfully tell him about your son.

Initially, your husband will most likely be angry and hurt. Allow him to ventilate his feelings. Afterwards, tell him that you know he also loves your son and that he should try his best to accept his son for what he is. Tell him about the fear and emotional turmoil that your son is going through at home and in school. Focus on the fact that at this point in time, only you and he can provide the emotional support system for your son.

If this strategy does not work, you can approach a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist to facilitate a family therapy session so that you, your son and your husband can have a structured venue to ventilate your feelings and to work through or process those feelings so there can eventually be an acceptance of your son’s sexuality.

I certainly hope that there will soon be less tension in your home. Try not to delay telling your husband the truth so that your son’s agony will be shortened. Your husband may appear tough because of his military training but deep inside–being a father–he really has a soft spot in his heart for his son.

If you ask me, "Is homosexuality a mental disorder?" this is my reply:

A gay person who is comfortable with his sexual identity is not labeled by psychiatrists as having a disorder. Only when a gay person becomes distressed about his sexual orientation is he given a psychiatric diagnosis. According to DSM-IV, "the essential feature of gender identity disorder is a person’s persistent and intense distress about his or her assigned sex and a desire to be, or an insistence that he or she is of, the other sex."

As early as childhood, both girls and boys show a dislike or aversion to the normal feminine or masculine clothing. Girls with this disorder regularly have male companions and will show an avid interest in rough boys’ games and sports. They will refuse to play with dolls unless they play with their fathers or a father surrogate. Boys with this disorder, on the other hand, will be preoccupied with feminine activities. They will prefer girls’ clothes. As they mature into adolescence and adulthood, they will frequently attempt to pass themselves as a member of the other sex. A lot of them believe that they were born with the wrong sex. I’ve heard a lot of them say: "I am a woman trapped in a man’s body."

The expected solution for gender identity disorder depends on the age of onset of the disorder and on the intensity of the symptoms. Impaired social and occupational functioning as a result of a person’s wanting to participate in the desired gender role is common. Depression is also a common result, particularly in cases when a person feels hopeless about getting a sex change through reconstructive surgery and hormone therapy.

Treatment of gender identity disorder is complex and may be unsuccessful if the goal is to reverse the disorder. Therapy is aimed at helping patients become comfortable with the gender identity they desire, not of creating a person with a conventional sexual identity.

You know, dear worried mom, I can really empathize with you because I have a gay nephew. I’ve witnessed his anguish and fear of my brother, who was indeed a tough guy in his younger years. I’m glad to tell you that my brother has learned to accept my nephew’s sexuality and now there’s a happy atmosphere in their home. So there indeed is hope that you, your son and your husband will live happily through the years.

(In case you have other problems, particularly about love, looks and relationships, you would want me to discuss in this column, do send your letters to The Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig; fax no. 631-3872)