Family time

There are lots of times when we take our families for granted. We don’t really stop to think about our closeness, it’s just there, just the way it’s always been. I realize that being close is a product of someone’s (in our case, our fathers’) conscious effort: it doesn’t come naturally. But being close also means not getting too close for comfort!

When we first moved to Manila from Bacolod, for the first three years we stayed in a two-bedroom house with only one bathroom! My parents were in one room and all seven of us in the other room. We all shared one bathroom! Our stuff got mixed up in the rooms and cabinets, but we had one rule: we must first ask permission if we wanted to borrow each other’s things. – Vicki A.P.

It’s good to spend 30 minutes of "Freaky Friday" where everyone exchanges roles. It’s an exercise in putting oneself in another person’s shoes. My kids love it and my daughter, Raya, keeps saying "Let’s do Freaky Friday!" – Donna Simpao

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Several weeks ago, my sister-in-law, Donna Simpao asked us to write about how we are able to foster closeness in our family. That exercise allowed me to be thankful for the ways we, as a family, bonded. My sister-in-law Vicki said that closeness is a product of effort.

I hope these tips will encourage you to take time to store up moments that will allow your family members to become deeply close to each other.

Here’s what we did to foster closeness in our family. Try one or a couple of them and get close!

• Eat together

Everybody was expected to be at the dining table as soon as the last food was out of the kitchen. My mom also insisted we eat while the food was hot.

• Travel together

We always traveled as a family. Now that we’re grown up, I look forward to October because my parents take us on a trip with just the kids (no spouses). It’s a great way for me to discover myself away from my own family (my husband and kids) and be taken care of for a change. I am also able to relate to my kids being treated like children and to realize the value of looking up to authority.

• Show up

Don’t just say, "I’ll be with you in spirit." Where you are, that’s where your body is. You can’t be present in spirit. It’s a lousy excuse for not making the event a priority. I think that making ourselves available to attend at each one’s important play, recital, et cetera, creates great bonding and sends a powerful message of how the person is valued. My parents always made sure they showed up for the contests I joined, recitals (no matter how small my part), exhibits and graduations.

• Tell your stories

While growing up, my Lola always made it a point to put me, my brother Melvin and my cousin Rich (all in one bed, usually on the floor) to sleep. Would you believe that I never owned a storybook or was read to as a kid? And yet many people wonder where I get my ideas from and why I’m crazy about books. My Lola, to this day, cannot read or write, but every night, she took us to many places as she told us stories from the past, created stories from her imagination and shared with us her dreams of the future. She told us those stories while we were all nakapulupot to her while she caressed our heads and told us her stories. My kids love being told stories at bedtime while they’re wrapped around me when I put them to sleep.

• Turn that TV off!

When I lived in the States, my foster parents’ home didn’t have a TV! That was four and a half years of no television. It made me deaf from the extreme silence, but it trained me to listen well to people’s heartbeats and the beauty of nature (as we lived by Malibu Canyon). That’s when I developed a love for classical music, long and deep conversations while at the dining table and appreciation for silence and solitude.

• Serve one another

We were expected to do chores at home and errands for each other. We never had yayas or tutors. My mom, or tita and tito (who all lived with us) took care of us and tutored us. My older children now look forward to putting Benj, my youngest son, to sleep by telling him stories. We also have more trips without a yaya and many days of looking after each other.

• Go out on a date

Now, as a family, Anthony and I go out on a date every Friday night whether we like each other or not. We also make it a point to have one-on-one dates with each of our kids at least once a week. (Naku, and they tally and make singil)!

• Get each other involved

During out-of-town trips to conduct seminars, we try to take one child at a time to "assist" us. When busy season hits, we simply try to make the most of time by taking each other to destinations that will require us some time in the cars or we bring food to have a picnic in the office. There’s always a way to get involved especially when you’re busy with work and you have a family to nurture.

• Do nothing

Nowadays, we try to block off time for doing nothing as a family. We’re just focusing on each other and not a party or a task. This is one of the hardest to practice since we always get tempted to tinker with something or plan on doing something. Doing nothing, though, helps us rest.

Make time for closeness. It’s a choice that’s well worth it. Try it now.

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E-mail author at mommytalk@businessworks.com.ph.