Pamper the challenger

Wrestling a gorilla is not an easy task. You don’t rest when you are tired. You rest when the gorilla wants to rest. – Manila Zookeeper

Do you want to escape from a child who you find challenges you the most? More often than not, the child who tests our patience and gives us great difficulty is the one that needs us the most. Believe it or not, when you spend time loving, listening, and going out of your way to work issues out with that particular child, you will realize that you will be freed from a lot of stress and trauma.

My husband Anthony always reminds me to love the "abuser." When one of my children is on a roll trying to drive his or her siblings up the wall, I am reminded to show mercy and love towards that child because I have also learned from experience that the more I deal with that "difficult" child head on, the more my problems will balloon to unexpected proportions. On the other hand, when I get a hold of myself and realize that there is a source of such "disturbing" behavior, and probe deeper by empathizing with my child, I settle the issue faster.

I have found these three s’s to be most helpful when faced with any difficult situation in dealing with my children:

1) Symptoms. Usually, outbursts, whining, abnormal behavior, etc., are symptoms of something that has a deeper source. We shouldn’t question the symptoms we see. Rather, we must ask where these are coming from. We should be thankful when we notice a particular symptom because it gives us a clue that there is something that needs to be dealt with.

2) Source. Some common sources of uncommon negative behavior may be from hunger, sleepiness, illness, frustration, despair or inability to verbalize feelings, etc.

3) Solution. After being sensitive to the genuine source of the symptom, we can then take a course of action that will definitely solve the problem. For example, you do not tell the child who is whining to simply keep quiet when you realize that it’s 12 noon and that he’s had a tiring day. The most logical thing to do is to feed that hungry child. A child who continuously rubs his eyes and yawns at 2 p.m. is not having an allergic reaction. He is most certainly sleepy and would need to be put down to sleep. Sometimes, the solutions are so elementary, but parents like to trivialize things that they end up getting stressed out.

Remember these simple guidelines: Love the abuser and consider the three s’s when dealing with your difficult child. Acknowledge the symptoms you see. They are the clues that give away the path to peace.

Find out the source and do not dismiss it. The sooner you find out, the quicker you can arrive at a solution. I always remind myself also that the three s’s help me to use up the three seconds to choose to respond properly to my children. I liken the three seconds to basketball when the player may choose to dribble extra long (which will mean he’s committing traveling), to pass the ball or to shoot. As parents, we can use up the three seconds to lose our temper, throw the problem at our children or blame it on others, or solve it calmly.

All the best!

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E-mail author at mommytalk@businessworks.com.ph.