Date with Daddy

Compared to our parents’ generation, hands-on dads are now commonplace, but they still elicit special mention when we witness dads behaving as such.

Last Friday over pizza with girl friends at the Polo Club, a friend and co-parent at our children’s school, Nuvoland executive director Rally Martinez, walked in with his 11-year-old daughter, Monica. I was expecting his wife, Rica, to be close behind but not this time.  We watched as dad and daughter settled in a few tables down from ours on what turned out to be a “date.” 

Few things touch me more than the sight of a father and daughter bonding with one another, where time seems to halt and all is right with the world. 

“I have that with my father,” said my good friend Michelle Barrera as we watched Rally and Monica enjoy one of those comfortable silences only achievable between two people in a close and effortless relationship.

“We can just sit there and be together,” Michelle continued. “But he also talks about his journey from young man to business man and the hard work and critical decisions in between, the fruits of which we enjoy today. My dad’s very pragmatic, unencumbered by extraneous things. He is able to trace his life and business choices through deduction and this is what our conversations are mostly about. It’s funny because I tell him that he’s pragmatic and he tells me, ‘That’s why I named our company Pragmatic.’ I like sitting with him and listening,” she said smiling, her gaze traveling back to Rally and Monica. 

“I have that, too,” Sophie Bate, a clinical psychologist, said. “I have this soft spot for my dad.”

When women are lucky enough to have forged that extraordinary bond with their fathers, a certain pride, a certain sense of victory comes with it and makes it worthy of special mention. With mothers, it is more a given.

Early the next morning was my nine-year-old daughter’s birthday celebration at Lazer Xtreme. She had invited her closest friends and I was surprised to see all dads instead of moms — not one in sight — chaperoning their kids to the party. 

It hit me then — a lightning bolt of sorts that jolted me out of my belief that few fathers voluntarily spend time with their daughters. Another dad who debunks that belief is doting father Gino Yabut, who doesn’t give two shakes about being the lone dad in a bus full of mommy chaperones during class field trips. We have gone as far South as Laguna and as far North to Subic and he had been there every time keeping watch over Danielle. That morning, he was there with Danielle as expected, along with Alex Revilla and his Andi; Paolo Lorenzo with Sandro; and Raul Bautista with Bea — a truly pleasurable sight. It seems men — at least when it comes to daughters — are evolving into the superheroes of women’s fantasies.

I did a quick mental count of men who I know enjoy close, personal relationships with their daughters and I was overwhelmed. My friend, Marc, has a weekly date night with his 12-year-old daughter, Rocio — rain or shine — with dinner and a trip to the bookstore always on the agenda. My brother-in-law, Tony, runs and bikes with his two teenage daughters. Noel, a good friend and an extremely busy doctor, takes his Cali for endless afternoons browsing for comic books — a common interest Noel has nurtured for them to share. My brother patiently tails his firstborn, Ashley, in and out of video game shops, answering her every query.  My cousin Albee takes his Bettina for haircuts at the salon, waiting patiently on the sofa until she’s done.  Another good friend, Ravi, tirelessly takes his Shani to every single dental appointment. Anton Huang and Miguel Aboitiz, who each have two daughters, take them diligently to school every morning. The list goes on.

I realize now that I shouldn’t be asking my friends but my children’s friends to find out how involved fathers are these days in their daughters’ lives. Clearly, times have changed.

How fortunate their daughters must be to have these valuable moments with Dad. Women treasure such memories because we know the effort invested in making them happen didn’t come from us; it is purely our fathers’ initiative. As young children, all we can do is react and respond to whatever our parents initiate. Here, it is mostly mothers who take on the role of developing and sustaining intimate relationships with children; that is why, when a father extends himself into this realm, the payoff is a hundredfold.

“Every father can make a huge difference in a daughter’s life,” claims Joe Kelly, author of Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter When She’s Growing Up So Fast. He adds: “As the primary role model in a girl’s life, fathers influence their daughters in profound ways, from how they see themselves to what they come to expect from men and the world at large. But men often don’t realize the importance of their interactions or may shy away from too close involvement because of their inexperience or conditioning.”

For men too mindful of their time, Robert Wolgemuth, author of She Calls Me Daddy, warns against multitasking. “Every once in a while you see a dad at a restaurant with one of his kids, and the child is gazing around the room while the dad reads the newspaper.  No points for that. Conversation is the crown jewel of the relationship,” he says.

Some fathers might pay lip service to the whole exercise, taking their daughter out on a “date” to rid themselves of the guilt of being neglectful and yet waste the opportunity to connect by being there physically and yet be mentally absent. Kids can sniff out a phony in an instant — couple that with the female intuition of daughters and you might get a resentment that can last a lifetime. 

It may be uncomfortable at best or tedious at worst for dads out on their first attempt at “date night” with a daughter, but think of it as an investment. The bond you develop with your daughter during times of real conversation and connection pays dividends in the form of having raised a sensible, caring lady who will make the right decisions and forge healthy relationships with other individuals.

I think a father’s love might be the only form of unconditional love a young woman experiences. Any man thereafter will want something from her, be it a peer, a boss, a boyfriend or a husband. How a father-daughter relationship pans out will have tremendous bearing on any woman’s future relationships with men. Dysfunction in this set-up has staggering effects. It is scary. It is an enormous responsibility for fathers but it is never too late for them — no matter how old they or their daughters are — to reclaim their relationships. Parenting has no expiration date.

 Here are some date night activities to help you get started:

1. Do something different from what you usually do with the rest of the family to make her feel that her time with you is special. Steer clear of the mall if that’s where you always go.  Go somewhere else. Be adventurous. Surprise her.

2. Dine out. Drive to Tagaytay with her using the long route to get her warmed up in conversation. Ask about her friends, her teachers, etc.

3. Tune in. Ask her to pick a radio station and acquaint yourself with the type of music she likes. This could be a springboard to a conversation.

4. Get fit. Go biking, running, swimming, or try a sport she’s into.

5. Share a hobby. Cook, paint, and build — anything you can do together.

6. Play games. Go to an arcade and play video games with her. Play laser tag or paintball.

7. Shop. This is the magic word, daddies. Give her a reasonable budget to work with but give her carte blanche in choosing. This works like a charm — every single time.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Tap into a current activity. If she’s learning to play an instrument, take her to a concert. If she’s into art, take her to an exhibit.

2. Turn off the cell phone. This goes for both of you.

3. Don’t interrupt. Be open to her thoughts and ideas. Listen carefully. Resist the urge to preach and let her talk freely, adding a word or two for encouragement. She will shut down if she feels you are trying to fix something for her on your terms without understanding what it is all about.

4. Don’t embarrass your daughter. Be sensitive to her reactions. It’s easy to cross a line you didn’t even know was there. Take your cues from her.

5. Enjoy yourselves. The main purpose of date night is to have fun. Everything else will follow.

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Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.