Fashion forewarned
May 9, 2007 | 12:00am
Fashion is a status symbol. And if Kuya Germs is any indication, then that status could be "Single for life. And not by choice."
Some recalcitrant Pinoy men think that they know better than women when it comes to male fashion. And it is most likely that these are the same men who will be as successful with the ladies as the administration will be with the senatorial elections. You see, I have discovered that men have a lot of misconceptions about fashion. For example, male fashion is supposed to attract women and to scare off predators, and not to attract predators and to scare women. Unfortunately, I have seen grown men parade into bars clad in shirts unbuttoned up to their bellybuttons and shiny impotence-inducing leather pants  men who are expecting to get ogled by young female things just by wearing chest-hugging shirts and pwet-peeking jeans. Yes, they do get ogled. But by ancient female-looking male things. Who are also wearing chest-hugging shirts and pwet-peeking jeans.
This man’s style is an example of what a man thinks a woman finds attractive. And yes, a woman would probably find him attractive. If that woman was blind, drunk and desperate. This leaves most NGSB (No Girlfriend Since Birth), soon-to-be peluka-wearing men deathly terrified. If they cannot trust their inner DOM (Dirty Old Man) fashion sense, then who can they trust for fashion? We know that we cannot trust Kuya Germs unless we want a wardrobe that will make us popular among the color blind. So if we cannot trust the creator of That’s Entertainment as our local fashion guru, than whom should we trust as our fashion barometer? Tim Yap? Lito Atienza? Bro. Eddie Velarde?
Well, there’s a reason they call me a mama’s boy. Because when it comes to dressing up, mommy always knows best.
However, I do understand the reluctance of men to be dictated to by their mommy when it comes to their manner of dress. Much like a frog at biology class, I was my mommy’s fashion experiment during the ’80s. I am uncertain as to what drugs my mom generously laced my baon with while I was in grade school, but I sedately agreed to all of her demands for me to dress up like those macho rock icons she spied on MTV. Like Michael Jackson. And George Michael. And Boy George.
But, just this one time, listening to your mommy might actually make more sense than the current Justice Secretary. Experiments conducted by University of Pennsylvania scientists have supported the idea that men often mistake their preferences for those of women. Nearly 500 undergraduates were exposed to pictures of male and female figures in various types of outfits. And this is what they discovered: women think men are attracted to them if they wear revealing, tight-fitting skimpy clothing. That much is true. And men think women are attracted to them if they wear revealing, tight-fitting skimpy clothing. That much is true. If they want to attract ancient, female- looking male things.
Men often think that to impress a woman, you have to be richer, taller or better-looking. Or you have to be Piolo Pascual. However, the book How to Succeed with Women says that the mistake most men usually make when trying to impress women is to become somebody they are not. You don’t have to be different from whom you really are. You just have to fake whom you really are. And you can start faking it by pretending that you have style.
Now, unless you like your sugar mamas with an Adam’s apple, chest hair, and estrogen shots, I have marshaled the services of my fashion intelligentsia to revive you from the brink or fashion catatonia. These women are Karla Alindahao, formerly of Philippine Tatler (and now on fashion AWOL in New York); Beverly Dalton of Girlfriend magazine: Juana Manahan of Lifestyle Asia; Mela de Luna of Manual magazine; and Peewee Reyes-Isidro of Meg magazine. My Pab Payb are as good at dishing out fashion tips as the DILG is at overrunning city halls during election periods. Remember: these rules apply to all of you. Except if you are Piolo. If you are Piolo, please let us know what kind of deal you have brokered with the devil. (Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible by my three female readers if the DOMs out there start hiding behind these clothes.)
Rule 1: You need to look like your favorite canine genitals. I have often been told how much I resemble a male body part that is best kept hidden from public view, and I have always resented my yaya for saying it again and again. But I never realized how flattering it would be to be likened to a dog’s testicles if I was living in the United Kingdom. And that’s exactly what David Beckham is. He’s known as "the dog’s bollocks." From the country that has contributed to world culture by giving us Westlife, Mr. Bean and the Teletubbies, this expression apparently means "top quality" (or it can also apparently mean "nonsense," which is basically what this column is all about).
And, as far as fashion is concerned, Beckham’s bollocks are so big that they have their own moon. "I think David Beckham is a great style icon!" giggled one editor like an underaged Catholic high school girl trying to enter a club. "To avoid fashion faux pas, use David Beckham as your peg." Another one chimed in. "But," she cautioned, "also make sure that you look as groomed and fit as him." Ah, now I understand. That’s why I feel such an affinity with David Beckham. People call him the canine testes, people think I look like a canine’s testes. In fact, I think I do resemble David Beckham. Except without the grooming. And the fitness. And the money. And the skills. And the looks. And the clothes. And the Posh. Yes, the resemblance is so uncanny, it’s almost heartbreaking.
"I hate this term," the next editor grumbled, "but David Beckham is the poster boy for metrosexuality." Now, any word that contains "sexual" in it is enough to attract the attention of men. But if the word "sexual" has a prefix that macho, beer-swilling, chest-hair-laden men might remotely perceive as an affront to their sexual orientation, it tends to make some of them drop this column, grab the nearest available men’s magazine, and salivate over the curvaceous Photoshopped women to reaffirm their manhood. However, before you do any grabbing and salivating, The Definitive Book of Body Language explains that a metrosexual male is a heterosexual male who copies women’s behavior patterns  he moisturizes, pedicures, manicures, hair plucks, hair colors, botoxes and Brazilian waxes  because he has discovered that it is a great way to meet a lots of women and, if really desperate, ancient, female-looking male-thing sugar mamas.
"Beckham is a metrosexual because he doesn’t dress the way most sub-standard men would," the editor explained through gritted teeth while tattooing the word "Loser" on my chest. "He doesn’t just put on the formulaic jeans and shirt with a sweater and coat. He actually plays around with his looks." So what I gather from this editor is that the most important thing is to play with yourself, which many single men and NGSBs have a master’s degree in.
So, if you want to look less like a DOM and more like a MDD (modern-day dandy), then you must learn to channel the playful fashion sense of David Beckham. What I recommend is that you lock yourself in the banyo after everyone is fast asleep or at work. Then spray the banyo with David Beckham’s cologne, Instinct, plaster every tile with David’s images, and chant his name several thousand times while listening to the music of the Spice Girls in the background. Do this unfailingly until you exorcise that pair of pleated pants from your closet or you lose those additional two inches from that 40-inch waistline. Whatever comes first. Then hopefully, through sheer osmosis, you may just wake up one day with a moon orbiting your bollocks as well.
However, if you lack the time to catalogue the thousands of David Beckham pictures, you can always collect the pictures of our local basketball fashion icons. They’ve got some satellites orbiting their bollocks as well. If you want some classic icons, there is Sen. Robert "Big J" Jaworski. You can collect his pictures at the height of his knee high athletic striped socks and short basketball shorts career. Or if you want someone more contemporary, then go for Dudut Jaworski. You can collect his pictures at the height of his, ahem… political career. But if you want someone who is still shooting hoops professionally, then you always have James Yap. Just make sure not to channel James Yap while you are inside a facial care center.
Coming next: Dress right for your type (part two of our "Fashion Forewarned" series). For comments, suggestions or if you think you are the canine’s genitals, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com.
Some recalcitrant Pinoy men think that they know better than women when it comes to male fashion. And it is most likely that these are the same men who will be as successful with the ladies as the administration will be with the senatorial elections. You see, I have discovered that men have a lot of misconceptions about fashion. For example, male fashion is supposed to attract women and to scare off predators, and not to attract predators and to scare women. Unfortunately, I have seen grown men parade into bars clad in shirts unbuttoned up to their bellybuttons and shiny impotence-inducing leather pants  men who are expecting to get ogled by young female things just by wearing chest-hugging shirts and pwet-peeking jeans. Yes, they do get ogled. But by ancient female-looking male things. Who are also wearing chest-hugging shirts and pwet-peeking jeans.
This man’s style is an example of what a man thinks a woman finds attractive. And yes, a woman would probably find him attractive. If that woman was blind, drunk and desperate. This leaves most NGSB (No Girlfriend Since Birth), soon-to-be peluka-wearing men deathly terrified. If they cannot trust their inner DOM (Dirty Old Man) fashion sense, then who can they trust for fashion? We know that we cannot trust Kuya Germs unless we want a wardrobe that will make us popular among the color blind. So if we cannot trust the creator of That’s Entertainment as our local fashion guru, than whom should we trust as our fashion barometer? Tim Yap? Lito Atienza? Bro. Eddie Velarde?
Well, there’s a reason they call me a mama’s boy. Because when it comes to dressing up, mommy always knows best.
However, I do understand the reluctance of men to be dictated to by their mommy when it comes to their manner of dress. Much like a frog at biology class, I was my mommy’s fashion experiment during the ’80s. I am uncertain as to what drugs my mom generously laced my baon with while I was in grade school, but I sedately agreed to all of her demands for me to dress up like those macho rock icons she spied on MTV. Like Michael Jackson. And George Michael. And Boy George.
But, just this one time, listening to your mommy might actually make more sense than the current Justice Secretary. Experiments conducted by University of Pennsylvania scientists have supported the idea that men often mistake their preferences for those of women. Nearly 500 undergraduates were exposed to pictures of male and female figures in various types of outfits. And this is what they discovered: women think men are attracted to them if they wear revealing, tight-fitting skimpy clothing. That much is true. And men think women are attracted to them if they wear revealing, tight-fitting skimpy clothing. That much is true. If they want to attract ancient, female- looking male things.
Men often think that to impress a woman, you have to be richer, taller or better-looking. Or you have to be Piolo Pascual. However, the book How to Succeed with Women says that the mistake most men usually make when trying to impress women is to become somebody they are not. You don’t have to be different from whom you really are. You just have to fake whom you really are. And you can start faking it by pretending that you have style.
Now, unless you like your sugar mamas with an Adam’s apple, chest hair, and estrogen shots, I have marshaled the services of my fashion intelligentsia to revive you from the brink or fashion catatonia. These women are Karla Alindahao, formerly of Philippine Tatler (and now on fashion AWOL in New York); Beverly Dalton of Girlfriend magazine: Juana Manahan of Lifestyle Asia; Mela de Luna of Manual magazine; and Peewee Reyes-Isidro of Meg magazine. My Pab Payb are as good at dishing out fashion tips as the DILG is at overrunning city halls during election periods. Remember: these rules apply to all of you. Except if you are Piolo. If you are Piolo, please let us know what kind of deal you have brokered with the devil. (Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible by my three female readers if the DOMs out there start hiding behind these clothes.)
Rule 1: You need to look like your favorite canine genitals. I have often been told how much I resemble a male body part that is best kept hidden from public view, and I have always resented my yaya for saying it again and again. But I never realized how flattering it would be to be likened to a dog’s testicles if I was living in the United Kingdom. And that’s exactly what David Beckham is. He’s known as "the dog’s bollocks." From the country that has contributed to world culture by giving us Westlife, Mr. Bean and the Teletubbies, this expression apparently means "top quality" (or it can also apparently mean "nonsense," which is basically what this column is all about).
And, as far as fashion is concerned, Beckham’s bollocks are so big that they have their own moon. "I think David Beckham is a great style icon!" giggled one editor like an underaged Catholic high school girl trying to enter a club. "To avoid fashion faux pas, use David Beckham as your peg." Another one chimed in. "But," she cautioned, "also make sure that you look as groomed and fit as him." Ah, now I understand. That’s why I feel such an affinity with David Beckham. People call him the canine testes, people think I look like a canine’s testes. In fact, I think I do resemble David Beckham. Except without the grooming. And the fitness. And the money. And the skills. And the looks. And the clothes. And the Posh. Yes, the resemblance is so uncanny, it’s almost heartbreaking.
"I hate this term," the next editor grumbled, "but David Beckham is the poster boy for metrosexuality." Now, any word that contains "sexual" in it is enough to attract the attention of men. But if the word "sexual" has a prefix that macho, beer-swilling, chest-hair-laden men might remotely perceive as an affront to their sexual orientation, it tends to make some of them drop this column, grab the nearest available men’s magazine, and salivate over the curvaceous Photoshopped women to reaffirm their manhood. However, before you do any grabbing and salivating, The Definitive Book of Body Language explains that a metrosexual male is a heterosexual male who copies women’s behavior patterns  he moisturizes, pedicures, manicures, hair plucks, hair colors, botoxes and Brazilian waxes  because he has discovered that it is a great way to meet a lots of women and, if really desperate, ancient, female-looking male-thing sugar mamas.
"Beckham is a metrosexual because he doesn’t dress the way most sub-standard men would," the editor explained through gritted teeth while tattooing the word "Loser" on my chest. "He doesn’t just put on the formulaic jeans and shirt with a sweater and coat. He actually plays around with his looks." So what I gather from this editor is that the most important thing is to play with yourself, which many single men and NGSBs have a master’s degree in.
So, if you want to look less like a DOM and more like a MDD (modern-day dandy), then you must learn to channel the playful fashion sense of David Beckham. What I recommend is that you lock yourself in the banyo after everyone is fast asleep or at work. Then spray the banyo with David Beckham’s cologne, Instinct, plaster every tile with David’s images, and chant his name several thousand times while listening to the music of the Spice Girls in the background. Do this unfailingly until you exorcise that pair of pleated pants from your closet or you lose those additional two inches from that 40-inch waistline. Whatever comes first. Then hopefully, through sheer osmosis, you may just wake up one day with a moon orbiting your bollocks as well.
However, if you lack the time to catalogue the thousands of David Beckham pictures, you can always collect the pictures of our local basketball fashion icons. They’ve got some satellites orbiting their bollocks as well. If you want some classic icons, there is Sen. Robert "Big J" Jaworski. You can collect his pictures at the height of his knee high athletic striped socks and short basketball shorts career. Or if you want someone more contemporary, then go for Dudut Jaworski. You can collect his pictures at the height of his, ahem… political career. But if you want someone who is still shooting hoops professionally, then you always have James Yap. Just make sure not to channel James Yap while you are inside a facial care center.
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