The rhythm is gonna get ya
March 28, 2007 | 12:00am
As depressing as Manny Pacquiao’s bid for Congress, we finally come to the final stage in the flirting process. And, unlike the fire that torched the Comelec building, these stages of flirting are all for real.
So before the series drags on longer than Erap’s plunder trial, let us review the flirting stages as seen through the eyes of the PNP. Stage 1 (The Attention-Getting stage, a.k.a "Kulang sa Pansin" stage) is where the woman has got you in an entrapment operation; Stage 2 (The Recognition Stage, a.k.a. "Closer you and I" stage) is where she has you under surveillance; Stage 3 (The Talk Stage, a.k.a. "Words get in the way" stage) is where she has you under interrogation; and Stage 4 (The Touch Stage, a.k.a. "You’ve Got The Touch!") is when she reluctantly gives you a body-cavity search. Which brings us to  tah-dah  Stage 5! And hopefully, this stage doesn’t involve police brutality.
Think about that time when you and a woman you went out with just "clicked," and I don’t mean the time when she clicked her Magnum .45 and gave you three seconds to run before she gave you a permanent vow of celibacy. Rather, this is the type of woman whom you may have just met but immediately felt so comfortable with, the type whom you wouldn’t mind sharing your most intimate secrets with (like the fact that you still can’t sleep at night unless your yaya is beside you), the type of woman whose drinks you don’t have to pay for before she moves on to the next customer. When you meet a woman as special as this, men often think, "Wow, is this woman mentally stable? I can’t believe she’s actually talking to me without being under duress." Fret not, my dateless brethren, for there is actually a secret to creating this instant connection with women. And it doesn’t involve much money.
Getting through the fourth stage of flirting is similar to a boxing match, except that you both have to keep your T-shirts on. During the touch stage, there will be some talking, some touching, some tilting, some taunting, some bobbing, some weaving, some swaying, some spitting, and if things go bad, some hitting below the belt. If the man is still conscious after a series of uppercuts to the groin, then he usually achieves the last stage of the flirting process  no, no, it’s not hazing, it’s not even a credit investigation (although this is preferable). It is Total Body Synchrony (Stage 5, a.k.a. "Your Body is a Wonderland").
Have you ever watched two hormonally imbalanced people in a restaurant who were in love? How did you know they were in love? Was it the way that the couple was so sickeningly PDA that it gave you indigestion? Or was it the way their bodies acted as a perfect mirror of each other? When couples "mirror" each other, this is the most obvious sign that they share a connection. When people engage in PDA, it means that they should save us the stomach problems and instead check themselves in at the nearest Victoria Court.
According to The Definitive Book of Body Language, when potential couples meet for the first time, the woman needs to quickly assess whether or not she should have a positive or negative towards the man, just as most other animals do for survival reasons. (I often wonder whether the women I’ve dated who called me "hayop!" meant it as a positive or negative thing. I probably will never figure that out because they never reply when I ask them for a second date.) Women assess the man by scanning his body to see if he will move or gesture the same way she does, which is referred to as "mirroring" or "making gaya-gaya," something that most Pinoys have doctorates in. We mirror each other’s body language as a way of bonding with them, creating rapport, and making sure that she no longer hits you below the belt.
Before I explain "mirroring" any further, I must issue a disclaimer to the DOMs in the house: Mirroring is not the same thing as looking at a woman through a one-way mirror. Remember, my erstwhile fellow DOMs, you do not always have to be a hayop. Mirroring occurs when you and the woman appear to move together in an almost rhythmic fashion. To prevent any more lawsuits, here are steps to determine if you’ve got more rhythm going on than a white man on the dance floor:
• When two people are disinterested or not well attuned to each other, their bodies sit or stand at angles to each other. For example, observe a man trying to pick up a disinterested woman by the bar: He will face the woman, lean towards her, raise his eyebrows and pucker his lips. On the other hand, she will probably turn away, roll her eyes up, spit in his face, drop to the floor, and pretend to be dead.
• Sometimes it is not appropriate to mirror the woman, because she will take that mirror, shatter it into a million pieces, and use one of the broken shards to stab you repeatedly in your vital organs. So the more subtle approach would be to "match" her. An example of "matching" would be if she crosses her arms, you cross your legs, if she taps her fingernails on the table, you can tap your foot at the same rate, if she puts on lipstick, you can lick your lips. If she starts kissing the other guy who mirrored her while you were trying to match her, then you can cry into your beer.
• As you move from "matching" to "mirroring," try to develop an awareness of non-verbal cues, such as breathing and body posture, which will allow you to get feedback as to how you are doing. For example, does she hold her breath until she turns blue waiting for you to back away from her? Does she crouch down into a feral position and make hissing noises as you approach her? This probably means that you should go back to your bar seat and continue crying into your beer.
• If you’re tired of crying into your beer, then it is best to move on to "mirroring." Mirroring actually comes very naturally to Pinoy men. After all, why do you think those Mr. Pogi contests are such a hit on Eat Bulaga? We are not only adept at framing our faces with our thumb and index finger, but we are master chameleons as well. You simply adopt the same posture as the woman, starting with the head, then the body, then the hips, the legs, the arms and, if you are brave enough, the pinkie finger. If you really want to make a connection, adjust your breathing to the same depth and frequency as hers. Some people still call this mirroring, while others call it obsession. You can tell the difference if she reports you to the police.
• If you start making a connection with the woman, other than her elbow to your nose, she will unconsciously pivot or swivel until your shoulders are aligned and your bodies are face-to-face. When two potential mates are well attuned to each other, they will start to synchronize. This will start briefly at first. When you lift your drink, she will lift her drink as well. Then they might desynchronize, which can be as annoying as watching a badly dubbed Korean telenovela. But over time, they will mirror each other more and more. When you cross your legs, she crosses hers, too. If you lean to the left, she leans to the left. When you adjust your cleavage, she adjusts hers as well. Eventually, you will move in perfect rhythm and gaze deeply into each other’s eyes. When this happens, you will never have to cry into your beer again.
The Anatomy of Love tells us that total body synchrony is a universal stage of the human courting process: when we become attracted to each other, we begin to develop a common rhythm and eventually boogie on down to the mating dance. But preferably they do not do this dance right on the dance floor.
In fact, scientific research proves that men who are able to maintain body rhythm with a woman have the most sex appeal. Apparently, this is because men who dance like they belong to the Universal Motion Dancers are not only able to provide an indication of their horizontal dancing prowess but their reproductive, ahem, mojo as well.
This phenomenon was further studied by Professor William Brown of Rutgers University, who found out that dancing ability was correlated with a person’s body symmetry. The body symmetry of those taking part in the study was assessed by matching their elbows, wrists, knees, ankles, feet, ears, fingers and some retractable body parts. Professor Brown discovered that symmetrical men were significantly better dancers than asymmetric ones. And the women were also particularly scared of men with asymmetrical forearms but couldn’t explain why (perhaps they will understand when they ask these men how they developed asymmetrical forearms).
So the better a dancer you are, the more symmetrical you are, the better sperm donor you are. However, if that is the case, then why aren’t women rushing to the sperm banks to pick up donations from popular dancers like the Streetboys or Jojo A or from me? Lord knows I do a really sexy Boom tarat tarat. Hmmm… Maybe they just don’t like the way that I dance. Or maybe they can see my disproportionately large third nipple bulging out of body-hugging shirt. I’m not too sure.
For comments, suggestions or if you would like to ask about my asymmetrical forearms, please e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com.
So before the series drags on longer than Erap’s plunder trial, let us review the flirting stages as seen through the eyes of the PNP. Stage 1 (The Attention-Getting stage, a.k.a "Kulang sa Pansin" stage) is where the woman has got you in an entrapment operation; Stage 2 (The Recognition Stage, a.k.a. "Closer you and I" stage) is where she has you under surveillance; Stage 3 (The Talk Stage, a.k.a. "Words get in the way" stage) is where she has you under interrogation; and Stage 4 (The Touch Stage, a.k.a. "You’ve Got The Touch!") is when she reluctantly gives you a body-cavity search. Which brings us to  tah-dah  Stage 5! And hopefully, this stage doesn’t involve police brutality.
Think about that time when you and a woman you went out with just "clicked," and I don’t mean the time when she clicked her Magnum .45 and gave you three seconds to run before she gave you a permanent vow of celibacy. Rather, this is the type of woman whom you may have just met but immediately felt so comfortable with, the type whom you wouldn’t mind sharing your most intimate secrets with (like the fact that you still can’t sleep at night unless your yaya is beside you), the type of woman whose drinks you don’t have to pay for before she moves on to the next customer. When you meet a woman as special as this, men often think, "Wow, is this woman mentally stable? I can’t believe she’s actually talking to me without being under duress." Fret not, my dateless brethren, for there is actually a secret to creating this instant connection with women. And it doesn’t involve much money.
Getting through the fourth stage of flirting is similar to a boxing match, except that you both have to keep your T-shirts on. During the touch stage, there will be some talking, some touching, some tilting, some taunting, some bobbing, some weaving, some swaying, some spitting, and if things go bad, some hitting below the belt. If the man is still conscious after a series of uppercuts to the groin, then he usually achieves the last stage of the flirting process  no, no, it’s not hazing, it’s not even a credit investigation (although this is preferable). It is Total Body Synchrony (Stage 5, a.k.a. "Your Body is a Wonderland").
Have you ever watched two hormonally imbalanced people in a restaurant who were in love? How did you know they were in love? Was it the way that the couple was so sickeningly PDA that it gave you indigestion? Or was it the way their bodies acted as a perfect mirror of each other? When couples "mirror" each other, this is the most obvious sign that they share a connection. When people engage in PDA, it means that they should save us the stomach problems and instead check themselves in at the nearest Victoria Court.
According to The Definitive Book of Body Language, when potential couples meet for the first time, the woman needs to quickly assess whether or not she should have a positive or negative towards the man, just as most other animals do for survival reasons. (I often wonder whether the women I’ve dated who called me "hayop!" meant it as a positive or negative thing. I probably will never figure that out because they never reply when I ask them for a second date.) Women assess the man by scanning his body to see if he will move or gesture the same way she does, which is referred to as "mirroring" or "making gaya-gaya," something that most Pinoys have doctorates in. We mirror each other’s body language as a way of bonding with them, creating rapport, and making sure that she no longer hits you below the belt.
Before I explain "mirroring" any further, I must issue a disclaimer to the DOMs in the house: Mirroring is not the same thing as looking at a woman through a one-way mirror. Remember, my erstwhile fellow DOMs, you do not always have to be a hayop. Mirroring occurs when you and the woman appear to move together in an almost rhythmic fashion. To prevent any more lawsuits, here are steps to determine if you’ve got more rhythm going on than a white man on the dance floor:
• When two people are disinterested or not well attuned to each other, their bodies sit or stand at angles to each other. For example, observe a man trying to pick up a disinterested woman by the bar: He will face the woman, lean towards her, raise his eyebrows and pucker his lips. On the other hand, she will probably turn away, roll her eyes up, spit in his face, drop to the floor, and pretend to be dead.
• Sometimes it is not appropriate to mirror the woman, because she will take that mirror, shatter it into a million pieces, and use one of the broken shards to stab you repeatedly in your vital organs. So the more subtle approach would be to "match" her. An example of "matching" would be if she crosses her arms, you cross your legs, if she taps her fingernails on the table, you can tap your foot at the same rate, if she puts on lipstick, you can lick your lips. If she starts kissing the other guy who mirrored her while you were trying to match her, then you can cry into your beer.
• As you move from "matching" to "mirroring," try to develop an awareness of non-verbal cues, such as breathing and body posture, which will allow you to get feedback as to how you are doing. For example, does she hold her breath until she turns blue waiting for you to back away from her? Does she crouch down into a feral position and make hissing noises as you approach her? This probably means that you should go back to your bar seat and continue crying into your beer.
• If you’re tired of crying into your beer, then it is best to move on to "mirroring." Mirroring actually comes very naturally to Pinoy men. After all, why do you think those Mr. Pogi contests are such a hit on Eat Bulaga? We are not only adept at framing our faces with our thumb and index finger, but we are master chameleons as well. You simply adopt the same posture as the woman, starting with the head, then the body, then the hips, the legs, the arms and, if you are brave enough, the pinkie finger. If you really want to make a connection, adjust your breathing to the same depth and frequency as hers. Some people still call this mirroring, while others call it obsession. You can tell the difference if she reports you to the police.
• If you start making a connection with the woman, other than her elbow to your nose, she will unconsciously pivot or swivel until your shoulders are aligned and your bodies are face-to-face. When two potential mates are well attuned to each other, they will start to synchronize. This will start briefly at first. When you lift your drink, she will lift her drink as well. Then they might desynchronize, which can be as annoying as watching a badly dubbed Korean telenovela. But over time, they will mirror each other more and more. When you cross your legs, she crosses hers, too. If you lean to the left, she leans to the left. When you adjust your cleavage, she adjusts hers as well. Eventually, you will move in perfect rhythm and gaze deeply into each other’s eyes. When this happens, you will never have to cry into your beer again.
The Anatomy of Love tells us that total body synchrony is a universal stage of the human courting process: when we become attracted to each other, we begin to develop a common rhythm and eventually boogie on down to the mating dance. But preferably they do not do this dance right on the dance floor.
In fact, scientific research proves that men who are able to maintain body rhythm with a woman have the most sex appeal. Apparently, this is because men who dance like they belong to the Universal Motion Dancers are not only able to provide an indication of their horizontal dancing prowess but their reproductive, ahem, mojo as well.
This phenomenon was further studied by Professor William Brown of Rutgers University, who found out that dancing ability was correlated with a person’s body symmetry. The body symmetry of those taking part in the study was assessed by matching their elbows, wrists, knees, ankles, feet, ears, fingers and some retractable body parts. Professor Brown discovered that symmetrical men were significantly better dancers than asymmetric ones. And the women were also particularly scared of men with asymmetrical forearms but couldn’t explain why (perhaps they will understand when they ask these men how they developed asymmetrical forearms).
So the better a dancer you are, the more symmetrical you are, the better sperm donor you are. However, if that is the case, then why aren’t women rushing to the sperm banks to pick up donations from popular dancers like the Streetboys or Jojo A or from me? Lord knows I do a really sexy Boom tarat tarat. Hmmm… Maybe they just don’t like the way that I dance. Or maybe they can see my disproportionately large third nipple bulging out of body-hugging shirt. I’m not too sure.
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