You’re so ‘kawaii naman’

Tweety Bird’s sexual orientation has been the subject of contentious debate inside the animated community.

It’s not hard to see why. Aside from being drawn without genitalia, we have yet to catch Tweety propositioning other cartoon animals onscreen, be they pandas, starfish, mutant turtles, or otherwise (after all, interspecies relations are all the rage with those swinging cartoon folks – cat and skunk, frog and pig, human and cow). Yet, I suspect that the bird’s coy demeanor has brought both male and female cartoons under his widdle spell. Offscreen, I am sure that both Daisy and Donald Duck are snapping away at each other for a chance to preen Tweety’s yellow stump of a tail.

But just what is the charismatic appeal of this androgynous little bird? Is it his/her/its squeakily high-pitched speech impediment? Is it the disproportionately large feet? Characters from Pokemon to puddy tats may keep hush-hush about Tweety, but there is something definitely disproportionate about him/her/it.

And it’s not his/her/its beak.

For the three female readers of this column (Hi, Mom!), know this: do away with those flim-flam diets that make you lose flab, bone density and what is left of your sanity to perilously yo-yo towards a crippling 24-inch waistline; throw away those cleavage-generating halter tops that are the leading cause of gangrene; forget about those unfriendly waxes from Brazilian men; and don’t even think about getting any strategically stuffed silicone in milk-producing glands. This is because nothing attracts the attention of an otherwise clueless Martian like a pair of big, BIG… eyes. And a little button nose.

The book Why Men Lie and Why Women Cry reveals that a major turn-on for men is a women’s disproportionately large set of eyes (You know what we men are like when it comes to our interest in disproportionately large body parts). Men go gaga (more than usual) if a Venusian’s eyes appear larger relative to the lower part of the face because these type of eyes inspire protective, nurturing feelings in men. And men should rightly go gaga when a woman flashes him the whites of her eyes; when she finds a man more attractive than a new pair of shoes (very rare), her pupils dilate. In fact, when male and females get excited, their pupils dilate up to four times their original size (an ability that men wish they could transfer to other body parts).

Unfortunately, females cannot maintain dilated pupils for long (because men cannot be terribly more interesting than a new pair of shoes). In order to create an impression of "perpetual" attraction, a woman uses a deft combination of mascara, eye shadow and eyeliner to make her eyes look enlarged and lead her date to think that she is terribly interested in his hour-long blow-by-blow commentary of the latest NBA game. But this also begs the question: How does a man feign interest when a woman exhaustively discusses her latest pair of shoes without having to slit his wrists? Very simple. Men watch porn. Research has shown that when pornographic films are shown to men, their pupils dilate to almost three times their size (and that might not be the only thing that dilates). So, girls, when you go out on a date with a man whose eyes are already dilated, please remember to pack a can of pepper spray in your purse. Or wear a pair of really sharp-ended stiletto heels.

I’m sorry, I digress. Porn does that to me. Aside from an incredibly large set of peepers, men also like their women to sport a small nose. Similar to large eyes, a small nose is reminiscent of childhood and brings out protective, parental feelings in men. In fact, plastic surgeons usually reduce female noses so they form an angle of 35 to 40 degrees to the face, giving the woman a more youthful appearance.

Japanese artists have actually turned this "big eyes, small nose" attraction into a multibillion-yen industry: in manga cartoons (and their MTRCB-censored cousin, the hentai cartoons), female characters are illustrated with all the triggers that make grown men dilate with glee: aside from a long neck, a 70-percent hip-to-waist ratio, impossibly long legs, pubescent breasts and a flat belly, the female characters have a tiny nose, a small lower face and eyes that are always dilated and are two to three times the size of the mouth. No wonder my brother locks himself in the room while watching Sailormoon reruns.

But take note: the goo-goo eyes and the petite nose are only part of the reason that men are more Looney Tunes than an administration congressman who still supports Charter change when it comes to an attractive female face. What these men really want to see is if you look good enough to be their baby. Literally.

Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes tells us that men are biologically preprogrammed to look for specific facial features in a woman that indicate she is in good reproductive health. According to researchers Diane Berry and Leslie McArthur, these features include: "An infantile craniofacial profile, low vertical placement of features, a small and rounded chin, large round eyes, high eyebrows, smooth skin, or a short nose, (which) are perceived as warmer and more submissive, weaker and more naïve, and less threatening than those with more mature versions of the same features." These childlike – almost baby-like – facial features are also the ones that make men melt like ensaymada because they trigger massive paternal reactions in their brains and confer a powerful desire to touch, embrace and protect. Vladimir Nabokov and Sting were on to something there: If a lady looks like a baby, then the men will probably want to have a baby with you as well. Remember, then, ladies, to always keep that pepper spray close at hand.

So, we know now that women only need to look like babies to turn on their Lolita-ish charm. But how about us guys? Can we look like babies as well or can we just act like one? God knows I’ve been a baby damulag for years without any success.

The answer to this question lies with the guru of pogi – my dad, who has gained arcane manly knowledge by sacrificing his scalp to the altar of testosterone. My dad – with his Bacolodnon charm, his easygoing manner, his singsong Ilonggo drawl, his wide, dark brown eyes, his puffy cheeks, his beer belly swagger and his indifference to pleated pants – reeks with a certain Homer Simpson appeal. Although he may not be scoring any Bench modeling gigs in the near future, he is probably one of the most attractive folically challenged 60-plus year olds that I know, and I don’t say this just because I live in his house and because he pays my salary and because I resemble my dad (without the charm). This is because my dad is "cute" – cute like a baby. (Coincidentally enough, my dad’s nickname is "Baby," a nickname that can only be taken seriously for a straight, full-grown man in the Philippines. In the United States, however, a nickname like that will get you pounded into hamburger in schoolyards but will also get you dates in prison.)

A Natural History of Love tells us that "cuteness" is characterized by a combination of infant-like physical traits, especially an oversized head, large eyes, a round plump torso and short and chubby arms and limbs. These baby-type shapes trigger women to "release" progesterone into their bloodstream. Progesterone is the hormone that releases maternal and nurturing feelings, and its purpose is to encourage a woman to carry out her child-rearing role successfully. This is why men who are shaped like my dad and who have baby-like facial features have women swooning all over them – because they cause progesterone to be released into the woman’s bloodstream. In fact, a baby’s "cuteness" is used as the barometer to create other "cute"-looking objects, like stuffed toys. Japan has built a national industry out of "cute" and they have labeled this national obsession kawaii. If they made my dad into a stuffed toy, he’d be all the rage now in Tokyo.

Someday, I hope to approximate my dad in his baby-hood. In the meantime, I am content when people say that I have baby features as well. But I don’t know if looking like a baby’s bottom counts as a compliment.

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For comments, suggestions or if you want to buy the RJ Ledesma stuffed toy, please email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com.