Affair share of the action

The world took a rather drastic change when E-Male’s bud decided to sleep with his accountant. Not that he had any moral qualms about his friend’s choice of co-curricular activities, neither was he personally affected for as long that every body follows the rule not to sleep with the enemy.

His friend was surprisingly open about it, confessing his new "hobby" in a rather candid exchange of self-scandal in a café. It didn’t seem to matter to him whether the other café patrons had overheard (who had happened to be an elderly woman and her nine-year-old granddaughter) or whether he had too much live action in his storytelling.

Though E-Male was doing his best not to feel embarrassed for his friend’s sake, he at the same time, was doing his best to try to understand his friend – for his sake. E-Male even watched HBO’s Inside the Mind of a Married Man just to get the lowdown on how a very much hitched hubby takes on somebody else for another joy ride.

E-Male understood why his friend’s story had provoked so much excitement on his behalf: His friend was damn proud of it.

Trophies And Statuettes

Representing a majority of the male species (if not the entirety of it), E-Male understands the male need for accomplishment. Males need a trophy to hang atop their bookshelves, plaques with their names engraved on them. Although women get by easily enough with a sense of inner-achievement (most people would call such a thing "well-being") males need corporeal representations of their own accomplishments. Something to be touched. To be held. To be showed off like a proud phallic symbol in a world with propensities for penis envy. Be it in the form of trophies, medals, plaques, statuettes, cars and – yes, women.

The accountant in this story is not only half this friend’s age but half his waistline. Having met her only a couple of instances in the past, looking back at her now, she’s surely some trophy: 5 feet 7 inches high and 26 inches wide. And to top the cake off with a little more extra icing – she’s his employee.

E-Male half-humorously chided his friend for letting the summer sun get to him. But when he smiled as the two scoped for another café to perch on, he told E-Male that probably lawyering and column-writing needed a little bit more excitement spicing up.

Summer has always been the time when boys became men. When men stayed men, or when men reverted back to boys just to get a kick out of being a man again. And the quickest, surest transition from boyhood to manhood has always been, and always will be, a little excitement. Of course, this would be the best time to add the disclaimer that the E-Male is neither an advocate of premarital sex nor a supporter of extramarital affairs.

Child’s Play

In a survey conducted over 20 years ago, five out of seven middle-class, middle-aged men fantasized about having an affair. In a more recent survey, however, a perfect seven out of seven of men decided to come clean. The same group was asked whether they would actually jump into an affair (given a number of circumstances, eg: wifey would never find out), and the very same rise was seen. Whether that number has grown due to a change of societal values or more men merely deciding to tell the truth is beside the point.

The point is: It’s only human nature to want the forbidden.

If you tell a child not to touch the fire without sprinkling it with a frightening story about third-degree burns, the youngster will unwittingly try his luck with the bright orange flame.

This is totally in tune with the fact that the promiscuous friend of E-Male is happily (or maybe not so happily) married. The whole tease and mystery of having an affair would’ve been completely lost if he wasn’t. Fortunately, even in this contemporary sex-driven milieu, having an affair is actually simpler than one would like to admit. Women, being as complex as they are, have simple needs with simple buttons that need to be pushed. It’s all child’s play, as E-male has just so recently discovered.

Faring-Well

Before frolicking out into the enlightening world of promiscuity, there are a few criteria that need to be met.

Don’t worry gents, this has nothing to do with "size" (unless of course we’re talking about the bedroom, then that’s a whole different set of criteria). Three simple questions, though ones that need to be answered before jumping the gun:

1) So you want it?

2) Is she worth it?

3) Are you sure?

And if you can answer the previous inquiries with a straight face and a clear conscience then you’re good to go.

Next step would quite obviously be finding a mate. Although the wonderful world of women holds a plethora of different options, one has to bear in mind that you have to be an option to them. And if you’re attached (girlfriend, wife and so on) it’ll be like courtship all over again. They do say that love is sweeter the second time around. It’s like taking back the years on the gravy train, but this time, you’ve got double the fun, excitement and – yes, yes – the emotional torment.

All cards down with the chips thrown in, an affair is still what it is – a (supposedly) mature man and woman in a relationship. And just like taking back the years on the gravy train, the same steps need to be danced all over again. About three months after the infamous café incident, E-Male discovered that his fine slapdash friend turned out to be less-fine than he first assumed. Caught between a rock and a hard place, his licentious pal is currently struggling between an enraged wife, an embittered mistress and three very confused young children.

So it turns out that not all fairy tales of the R-rated type have their happy endings, especially with this less-than-charming prince getting axed by both sides by, not one, but two damsels in distress. All the same, adulterers do get their fair share of the action, though maybe in doses far too large to swallow. And as the young boys and ailing men look for yet another trophy to adorn their bookshelves of accomplishment, sometimes the best trophy is the woman who’s been with you all along.

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Email E-Male at: argee@ justice.com.