The fear factor

I have never been a fearful person. Or so I’d like to think. Except for almost two years ago when I learned I had a breast cancer, and then again last year when I learned that it had metastasized to my brain, the closest I had come to being afraid was over three years ago when I took a helicopter ride to Nueva Ecija. Lifting off from an Ortigas high-rise, my heart thumped wildly as I saw there was nothing between our chopper and EDSA below but space, space, space and the possibility that we might just crash! But our pilot was such as expert that my fear quickly vanished and I actually enjoyed the ride toward Northern Luzon and back. Recently, however, I came to face to face with overpowering, overwhelming fear, an experience which proved to be disconcerting yet valuable for me.

For the past eight months, my godmother Tita Emeng Lucas had alternated between being ill and being well, until we learned just in June that she was suffering from leukemia. I was so shocked when I heard the diagnosis that literally I could not say anything to God, who I felt we had already petitioned with so much hope for my aunt and myself. I just knelt on the floor and left it all to Him. I did not know what to make of the simultaneous stunning trials happening to our family, and happening to my gentle, kind-hearted, loving godmother at that. Perhaps my own battle with cancer had worn me thin so to speak, so by the time of Tita Emeng’s diagnosis I didn’t know anymore what to say or do. Being single, Tita Emeng had lived with us all these years, and thus experienced the peak of her illness also in our house. I witnessed how much she suffered, and I must say she was one courageous woman, for she bore her cross with serenity and faith until the end.

Moreover, perhaps I was vulnerable to fear because for a year already, I had not experienced a day where I had not felt some bodily pain or another. So it was easy for fear to grip my mind and heart the way it did last month. I had tried to keep a positive attitude in the past months with regards to my illness but in those days of my aunt’s suffering which coincided with my own, I plainly get scared.

What would happen to me now? I wondered. Questions suddenly crowded themselves in my thoughts, and the more they did, the more afraid I became. Certainly, I had prayed for and asked for complete physical and spiritual healing, but what if God had other plans?

I did not even want to think about this because I had already entrusted my fate to Him and there I was wondering what would happen to me. I felt that asking so many questions was a manifestation that I did not trust Him completely. And what of the severe pain? My Tita Emeng had suffered much in her last days – and so I had in various parts of my body for months on end. I was only too aware that someday, I could experience what Tita Emeng had experienced. If that should happen, would I agonize for long? Will I have to be taken care of for a long time? Will I lose my faculties or senses? Will I become comatose? And if I do, how long would it be? Oh God, I prayed in panic, please don’t let me suffer for too long. If I should go, please let it be quick for the sake of my family and for me.

Then my thoughts turned to my husband Benjie, and how he would be should I leave earlier, for we do not have children and he would be alone. Benjie dislikes it when I talk negatively, insisting that we should not lose hope nor our belief in God. I agree with him of course, but I am only human, and as such am vulnerable to fear like anyone can be.

This was when a realization struck me – I should not preempt my God. I should not determine what He should or should not do to me but just allow Him to be. Having created me from dust, He had acknowledged me nonetheless as His daughter and had given me an altogether good life. What more could I ask of Him who has been so kind to me? Perhaps only forgiveness for entertaining such doubt-ridden and doubt-inducing questions. But I said, "Lord If I am asking so many questions, it is because I am only human. I am just afraid. If you can spare me the pain then please do so, but if not, please grant that I do not suffer beyond what I can endure."

Somebody once said, that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Whether it springs from illness or any other sources like problematic relationships, personal travails, financial woes, etc., fear has characteristics I’ve learned first-hand.

• Fear feeds upon itself. The more one chooses to be afraid, the more afraid one becomes. Fear is self-fulfilling, especially if you let it overcome you. It is overwhelming, too, depending on how far you allow it to go. Feeding on fear or discarding fear are choices, however. Ultimately we must rely on our free will.

• Fear clouds good judgment. Because one is wrapped up in the doubts and worries that characterize being fearful, one loses one’s footing, one’s perspective, one’s logic; one is driven by fear alone. Instead of being positive and forward thinking, one tends to brood and dwell on the darker side of a situation.

• Fear pushes God into the background. Fear deceives you in thinking that God’s graces and strength are not enough. Instead of taking His word and promises for the treasure that they are, you breed doubts, cultivate skepticism and become even more fearful. You put the Lord in the periphery of your days and decision-making, instead of allowing Him to assume a central role in your life.

• Fear wreaks havoc on one’s health and mental well-being. Instead of nursing a patient to wellness, fear only succeeds in diverting one’s concentration from getting strong. Fear saps one’s faith and energies, drains one of enthusiasm. Whereas, numerous studies have already proven the invaluable contribution of a positive attitude in overcoming problems, diseases or obstacles.

• Fear is a stalker. For many with their own battles to fight, fear is something one must not only guard against, but guard against constantly. Be alert and on guard especially on those days when – perhaps due to weariness, pain or sagging strength – you will most likely be vulnerable.

• Fear can be defeated. However intimidating it can be, fear can be defeated – if we so choose. Holding fast, maintaining our sense of humor, keeping steady and remaining hopeful can douse our fears.

Like any critically ill person must be experiencing, fear continues to flit in and out of my mind. I would like to think and hope, though, that its impact diminishes as days go by. I still get scared, but I try not to lose sight of God holding my hand, of me not losing my grip on Him and of tomorrow being a better one than today.

But what if God gives me that which I have exactly feared? I just rely on what somebody once said – that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. What I think I must do is to take a leap of faith and accept what God wants with full trust and boldness.

Between believing in the creator of the universe and succumbing to a perky, fearful feeling that will not do me any good anyway, I know God will always win, hands down. Between trusting in God and giving in to fear, I have everything to gain and nothing to lose if I choose God.

Such is exactly the time in one’s life – whether one is suffering from illness or grappling with particular fears – when one just has to believe. We just have to take His word for it when Christ exhorted us all, "Do not be afraid!"

(E-mail the author at annmondo@yahoo.com)