Waiting to exhale

Dear Dr. Jao,

I’m 26 years old, a housewife and two months pregnant. I used to work in a bank in Makati but I resigned six months ago due to my husband’s insistence. My husband, 30, has been jobless for so many years probably because he didn’t finish college. Just a month before I quit my job, he choked while eating fast-food chicken. He had difficulty in breathing that he thought he was going to die. After that incident, he couldn’t eat solid food. Luckily he is better now, after suffering for two months. His eating habits are back to normal, but not his attitude

I noticed something different in his behavior after that choking incident. He would call me in the office and force me to come home because he was nervous and profusely sweating. He would also have difficulty in breathing from time to time that he would always think he’d die. He was in that mood for days. When I wouldn’t go home right away, he would fetch me in the office. Next thing I knew, he would escort me to the office in the morning, come back to have lunch with me and then fetch me in the afternoon. Worse, he would bring with him our two-year-old son every time he would bring and pick me up at work. In between, my husband and son would go to play in the mall to kill time while waiting for me to finish work. This went on for two to three weeks and yes, I was super stressed- out with this set-up

I thought there was something wrong with him so I asked him to see a psychiatrist. He argued that he was not insane so there was no need to seek professional help. Instead of going to a psychiatrist’s clinic, we headed for an internal medicine specialist who found nothing wrong with him. Then off we went to see an ENT doctor who also said my husband had no problem with his throat. He was furious every time I would tell him to see a psychiatrist to the point that he would yell at me to no end

Because of the pressure on me, plus the fact that I was ashamed about the behavior of my husband, I quit my job without knowing what would happen to my family’s future. When I left my work, my husband was happy and satisfied because he would always see me at home. He even promised that he would beg from his mother, an OFW in Dubai, so we could borrow money from her to start a business. But this did not materialize because my mother-in-law said she had no savings because she was the one paying for our apartment rental, food, bills, among others. Everybody depended on her including my husband’s grandmother, uncle and a teenager cousin

He wanted to ask help from his father who is in Canada. Only, his dad is suffering from cancer and his chemotherapy is too expensive

Of late, I have thought of taking my life because of helplessness and hopelessness. I wanted to leave him but he would always tell me that he could not breathe when I was not with him

Once I wanted to go home to my parents in Tarlac but he would not allow me for fear that I would tell my folks about our situation and I would not come back.

I’ve been very honest with him that I can’t go on forever like this. I need time and space to grow. But he always presents his selfish feelings. He doesn’t want us to get separated especially now that we will soon have two children. I tried to leave him but he would always yell at me like hell. Please help me. I don’t want this kind of life. I wish I had amnesia. I want to forget everything. Please help me

Thank you,

Mrs. Stress

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Dear Mrs. Stress,

It’s so sad to hear that you had left your job impulsively, considering that you were the bread winner. Your spouse relational problem which was apparently triggered by your husband’s anxiety and panic attacks has made your husband more dependent on you. Your being jobless, total financial dependence on your mother-in-law’s support and your helplessness in aiding your husband get rid of his anxious state and dependency have contributed to the worsening condition of your relationship. At this point, both of you will need the professional help of a psychiatrist who will give you supportive psychotherapy sessions. The doctor will need to prescribe anxiolytics to your spouse and anti-depressants for you. I suggest that you try to look for a therapeutic ally from your spouse’s immediate family, somebody he respects and somebody who can convince him that he will benefit from going to a psychiatrist. Point out to him that insanity is not the only disorder that psychiatrists deal with. Both of your mental states can be alleviated with the help of psychopharmacology and psychotherapy. Don’t allow yourself and your spouse to remain dysfunctional forever. You may still be able to return to your previous level of occupational functioning. As I see it now, your financial difficulties have muddled up your relationship so much so that the only solution you have in mind is separating from him. With two young kids to think of, splitting up with your husband should not be the immediate solution. You’ve got to get the emotional support of your family and friends first. At the same time, go see the shrink in order to abate your depressive symptoms. When you’re less depressed, that would be the better time to decide whether to hold on to your marriage or not. Individual therapy for both of you with marital therapy might still save your marriage. What is important now, Mrs. Stress, is for you not to give up. Separating and filing for annulment of your marriage should be your last option

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Belated Happy Birthday to my aunt, Dr. Fe Halili-Elloso last May 7 and to my cousin, Tomas Halili Elloso last April 24 and to my April birthday celebrant friends from the Retrospect namely Gold, EmJ, Ogie and Joey

To my valued clients and patients: This is to inform you that I am still holding clinic at Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St., Pasig City

(Send your letters to The Philippine Star c/o Allure section or send them directly to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes St. cor. San Miguel Ave., Pasig City; Suite 309 Medical Arts Building, St. Luke’s Medical Center; telefax: 723-1103; e-mail: ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo.com.)