Fathers and sons

Rico, 40, is a father of three handsome and intelligent boys. After office he often hangs out with his barkada, officemates in an insurance company. After midnight he comes home drunk. His wife is furious specially since she and the children have to leave early for office and school. He beats her, and the children would cower in fear. In contrast, he is the one who cooks breakfast for everyone and does the weekly marketing. On weekends he takes them out and enjoys the camaraderie of the boys.

Breaking out of destructive intergenerational cycles

Both good and bad lessons are learned by sons from their fathers. They are likely to be passed on to their own children in the future. In this case, Rico’s father indulged also in drinking and was generous with his barkada. Rico admired him for this.

Fathering is an intergenerational issue. What you do as a father is profoundly affected by what your father did. And his fathering was affected by what his father did. Most grandparents are not aware that they had begun a tradition that has been handed down to the fourth generation. It could be a tradition of love and acceptance or a mixed up tradition of parental quarrels, loss of self-esteem and half-hearted caring. How can Rico’s son break out of this destructive intergenerational cycle?

We spend a great deal of time examining our “father wound,” and many of us can pinpoint exactly what out fathers did wrong in raising us. However, the question we fail to ask is what our fathers did right with us. Even those of us who have had lousy fathering role models had dads who did their best, even if their best was sabotaged by anger, alcohol, irresponsibility, or something else.

‘If you want to live in my house, eat my food… play by my rules’

One day, when Jack was 16, thinking he had all the answers and that his dad was completely wrong, he gathered courage and said, “Dad, I don’t believe in God anymore. It doesn’t make sense to me so I won’t be going to church with you.” He paused and waited for the stern answer. After all, his father was a theology professor and an ordained minister. His dad’s faith was everything to him. Jack knew a storm would have to come. But his dad just looked at him and shook his head a little. “Okay, Jack, fine.”

Jack decided to push a little further. “By the way, dad, since I don’t believe in God, I don’t really think it make sense to pray to Him or say grace before meals. So I probably won’t be having dinner much with the family anymore.” His dad shook his head again and said, “By the way, Jack, where are you planning to live?’” Jack turned around quickly. “What do you mean? I’m going to live here.” His dad uttered the immortal words so many fathers over so many generations have said: If you want to live in my house, drink my milk, eat my food and sleep under my roof, you are going to play by my rules. But, hey, it’s up to you. If you’ve got another place to go, that’s up to you.

Jack had only P79 in his pocket and P340 in the bank. He had no place to go and didn’t really want to leave, even if he could. He went to church that Sunday.

The myth of ‘Time Together’

As young fathers struggle to rise in the ranks of their careers or business enterprises, they feel that their growing sons do not need so much fathering as mothering. They resort to the MYTH OF QUALITY TIME that can distort the idea of time together. They rationalize that although they are not a constant part of their sons’ lives, they do special things with them that compensate for the actual hours spent with them. They take them to Enchanted Kingdom on birthdays, and believe that will accomplish the same thing as spending hours and hours with their sons on a consistent basis. That just isn’t true.

Ronald’s father enjoys hunting wild birds. One summer vacation his father took him on a hunting trip at Mt. Balatukan in Gingoog City. There was not a catch – not even a little bird. As a hunting trip, it was a total failure. As a father-son relationship builder, it was a terrific success. They talked about everything under the sun, mostly about meaningless things. That trip is one of the best memories of Ronald’s childhood. It was the beginning of his adolescence, and it set the tone for his relationship with his dad through his teen years.

Meantime, the MYTH OF MAKE-UP TIME also distorts the idea of time together. Fathers believe that they can put off time with their sons now, and later when they are older and more mature, or more interesting and lives are less busy, they could spend time with them. That just does not happen. Why will sons want to be with fathers during their early adulthood when they didn’t spend time with them during childhood?

Four keys to spending time together

The book Building a Friendship for a Lifetime points out four simple, practical things fathers can do to make time with their sons a relationship-building experience.

1) FATHERS NEED TO PROVIDE FOR BOTH MUNDANE AND EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCES. Author Jerry Schruer says he spent time with his father almost everyday of his life. “He took me to the hardware store, to the gas station, and to the garage. He asked me to hold the flashlight when he was working on the car, and I chased down the 9/16th socket or wrench when it was needed. It may not have seemed like much to him, but it was incredibly special to me. The mundane, ordinary times in his life became a point of contact for us and built our relationship.”

2) ENRICH TIME TOGETHER BY QUESTIONING AND LISTENING TO YOUR SONS. You can ask your teenage son what the fondest memory of his childhood is and why. By listening closely to his answer, you will get a glimpse into his life and you will learn more about him. Listening means, not only hearing words, but also paying attention to their tone, their body language, and their mood.

How many times does your son have to call before you respond to him? How often does he talk to you, while your mind is on a problem at the office? Discipline yourselves to listen to his small, somewhat hesitant voice. When you listen to him, you build commitment.

3) MAKE THE TIME YOU SPEND TOGETHER REGULAR AND CONSISTENT. Aside from the weekend breakfast Chris spends with his dad, every two weeks they go to the barbershop for a haircut. That time is important because a regular, non-stressful time together can enrich your relationship in powerful ways. The consistency and regularity prove to your son that you are serious about wanting to be with him.

4) HAVE BOTH “ALONE TIME” AND “TOGETHER TIME” WITH YOUR SONS. “Alone Time” with your son is an opportunity to speak about quiet, even secret things. It is your chance to say that you love him and to hear him say he loves you. It is imperative to build some alone-time with your son.

In “Together Time”, you get to see how he interacts with his friends. Is he a leader or a follower? Is he confident, shy, or commanding? Observe him with others. Observation means putting aside what you want to see, your beliefs about what your sons are or aren’t, and examining their lives to see what is really going on. Pay attention to the shows he watches on TV, monitor the movies he goes to see, and the music he listens to. Do not be judgmental. This is where you will get the clearest window into your son’s soul.

The amazing opportunity of fathering

Commitment is about caring enough for your son that your goal in life becomes helping him achieve his goals – putting him first, encouraging him, challenging him, and helping him “be all he can be”. To reach a high level of commitment with your son means to reach a level of friendship, trust and selflessness that will propel the two of you for many years.

What an amazing opportunity fathers have to influence the future generation. What an awesome responsibility. If you really want to build friendship with your sons, you need to start by enjoying them wherever you are at this moment. If your sons are babies, learn how to change a diaper. Take the time to give them a bath, to hold them as they go to sleep. They will never be that soft again. Their breath will never have that clean fresh milk smell. You can’t ever make up the time you lose. They will never be babies again.

(For more information or reaction, please e-mail at exec@obmontessori.edu.ph or pssoliven@yahoo.com)