Finding love after loss

MANILA, Philippines - When a sad story happens, we close our eyes to shut off the pain or sorrow that comes with it. When a strange story happens, we blink to give in to a moment’s disbelief.

Almost five years ago, I lost my three-week-old son on Dec. 2, 2006. After three weeks, on Christmas Day, my dog Setsuko gave birth to a lone puppy. My husband and I felt it was a special gift to life our hearts on Jesus Christ’s birthday. We named the pup Itsue (“it-su-we”).

Itsue filled up the emptiness in my heart. He grew up so sweet, so fat, so cute and so loyal. He has become like my shadow that stays wherever I am, be it in bed or even in the bathroom. He doesn’t eat when I am out for several days like when I am at work or on vacation. His eyes turn red as he waits by the stairs hoping that each car passing by our gate is mine.

Itsue has always made me feel excited to go home. Many of my shirts had holes because of his biting just so to get my full attention and never did I mind it. He is definitely a spoiled brat born by Setsuko but raised by me. Setsuko seems to have given him to me to care for and to own.

On Itsue’s third year, he suddenly had seizures one evening. I was told by the veterinarian that Itsue has an enlarged heart with excess fluid in his lungs. This condition is not new to me for my son had exactly the same problem. As if it was not enough similarity, they even had the same medicine. My husband Erick (Reyes) and I were so distressed, confused and scared for what is upcoming.

I lost sleep to watch over the ill Itsue. I had to beg off from some of my taping schedules to be with him and I prayed hard for his recovery. Itsue fought hard to live; surviving three to eight seizures a day is a feat. His only consolation was my touch. I knew he was suffering much that I had to tell him to go and leave me so he could rest. Many times that I saw his tears flowed while my heart ached. Series of seizures followed until he had to be confined. He became weaker every day until one night, he tried to stand up to kiss my nose. I was so happy because I thought it was a sign of strength regained but I was wrong. It was a farewell kiss he made.

I had to close my eyes. Close it long to bear the pain. I have lost two sons.

A week before I lost Itsue, my husband adopted a kitten who patiently stayed by our gate for several hours. As we welcomed him into our home, we bade goodbye to Itsue. The kitten provided some comfort while Setsuko and I were mourning. Later, it was discovered that he is blind. His eyes are covered with a white film making them appear larger, more innocent and with a look of intent.

Dressing up our kitten

He grew up doing what Itsue did. He is like my new shadow that stays wherever I am, in bed and in the bathroom. He bites, not my shirt, but my eyeglasses when I carry him in my arms. He smells my eyes, nose and lips when I arrive home from a long day’s work and then lays beside me holding my hand as I fall asleep.

I had to blink on this one. I wonder why this kitten and Itsue are doing the same things to me.

The Vishnu god is considered by Hindus to have nine earthly incarnations. Cats are known to have nine lives. Thus, we aptly named our blind kitten — Vishnu.

A year has passed, Vishnu has become a father to a litter of two kittens making me a proud grandmother.

On Aug. 5, I received a new kitten as a gift. I admit I was reluctant on accepting her because I have four cats already. But upon seeing her, my heart melted and my mind wondered what life is telling me.

The dog Setsuko who has been snobbish to our other pets after Itsue’s death is currently having hormonal changes due to old age. I thought she would not also embrace the new kitten; but one time, much to my surprise, I caught her breastfeeding the kitten as if it were her own child!

I blinked again. I asked myself why these strange things are happening.

Our dog Setsuko nursing our new kitten

I came to realize that when I lost my son, Setsuko practically gave me her pup to help me carry on the experience of becoming a mother. When we both lost our sons, I was given comfort by my blind cat who continued Itsue’s sweet ways. Now, it is Setsuko’s turn to be blessed with a kitten to make her feel how it is to become a full-fledged mother.

Strange as these things may seem, through time the loss of my son started a sequence of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, loss and gain, bewilderment and enlightenment through different species interconnected by the desire to love and to be loved.

Now I open my eyes. I look at life with pure amazement.