Starzan Punta Ilog, Hugas Itlog!

I

DALAWANG LINGGO NA ANG NAKAKARAAN

NANG MAG-BIRTHDAY ISANG DAKILANG NILALANG,

TWELVE PO’T HINDI FOURTEEN KAYA DI AKO ‘YAN,

TINUTUKOY PO’Y PAVAROTTI LANG NAMAN.

II

MAALAMAT NA SINGER NA ITALYANO,

GINAYA SA ELVIS AND JAMES NA SINE KO,

MUSIC TEACHER GINAMPANAN NI PANCHITO — LUCIANO PABURATTI NGALAN N’YA DITO.

III

MAY INAWIT S’YA SA PELIKULANG ITO

SA TONO NG SIKAT NA O SOLE MIO

AT NARITO ANG LETRANG DOBLE-SENTIDO —

DI NAMAN BASTOS; MERON LANG PAGKA-PILYO:

“LET’S HAVE SOME MUSIC,

LET’S HAVE SOME FUN,

COME PLAY MY ORGAN,

I’LL BLOW YOUR HORN!”

And we even had no musical props for that particular scene, but it went smoothly with the censors then. Great. But there was another situation in that same picture where they “used their scissors” and until now, I still don’t understand why.

In that scene, Paburatti told each one of the students to bring any musical instrument the next day. Siyempre, si Elvis and James (Joey de Leon and Rene Requiestas), mga walanghiyang bida ‘yan; siguradong may paputok ‘yan. So the following day, some of their classmates brought with them an assortment of musical instruments and “weapons” like guitars, flutes, violins, etc. In short, lahat may dala pwera lang si Elvis and James. They even came in late, obvious na may punchline na parating. With them was a middle-aged looking, lonely man; someone perfect to be a model for losers. When Panchito, as Paburatti, asked about their assignment, they both pointed to their man. Then Paburatti countered, “Ano ‘yan?Instrumento ba ‘yan?” Elvis and James chorused, “Torotot, sir! Kaiiwan lang sa kanya ng misis niya na sumama sa Bumbay!” Ngak!

Do you believe that that scene was ordered removed from the film? Ngek! Ngik!

In that same movie, there was also this scene of an old woman looking for a student named King. King was one of Elvis and James’ classmates at Jaena High. Ang mga bida natin ngayon ang napagtanungan ng matanda kung nasaan si King. They asked her, “Eh sino po ba sila?”

The old woman replied, “Ako ang ina ni King.” Again, our legendary heroes came to the rescue and loudly announced, “KING, INA MO!” Ngok!

Guess what? Yes, tumpak! That scene was left untouched. Nguk!

Ano ba ‘yan? Anak ng put...your head on my shoulder!

IV

PASENSYA NA PO AT NAGPAPATAWA LANG,

PERO TUNAY NA BATAS, SABIHIN NAMAN,

ANO BA’NG BAD — “TOROTOT” O ‘YUNG “MAY LAMAN?”

PARANG WALA NAMAN AT PAREHO LANG ‘YAN.

V

BASTA SA AKI’Y WALANG NAKATIWANGWANG;

WALANG SINASABING MASAMANG TUWIRAN,

AT SA MGA MAYRONG DOBLENG KAHULUGAN,

PABAYAAN — ‘YAN NA LANG PAGTATAWANAN.

VI

MAHIRAP NAMAN KUNG MASYADONG SERYOSO,

HINDI NA MAGANDA KUNG SOBRANG ISTRIKTO,

BAKA ITLOG KONG MAALAT PARA SA’YO

‘DI NATIN MAKAIN PATI BIBINGKA MO.

VII

‘DI SANA’Y EAT, BULAGA! PINUNA NINYO —

TATLUMPUNG TAON NA, BAKIT ‘DI INANO?

DAHIL MAY “BASTOS” ‘PAG NAGKASIRKO-SIRKO,

‘PAG NABALIKTAD ANG “EAT”, ANO TINGIN N’YO?

VIII

KAHIT ANONG BAGAY, POSIBLENG “BASTUSIN”;

PWEDENG LAGYA’NG MALISYA KUNG NANAISIN,

NAKALUHOD MANG MUKHANG NANANALANGIN

AY PWEDENG PAGKAMALANG SALAULA DIN.

IX

TAYO LAMANG NAMAN ANG GUMAGAWA N’YAN

SA’TING ISIPAN ATING HINAHANAPAN

ANG MGA BAGAY-BAGAY NG KALASWAAN

SANA’Y WAG NA LANG, KUNG HINDI DIRETSUHAN.

In one of Iskul Bukol’s episodes, can you believe that the mere mention of the word “briefs” was censored?! But generally, during my bright years in the movies, naging fair at maganda naman ang relationship namin ng mga manunuli, este, manunuri ng MTRCB pala. Kasi naman, parang tinutuli ka rin kapag naputulan ka ng mga eksena eh; na palagay mo, bilang isang manunulat, ay bahagi na ng iyong katawan at kaluluwa.

Masaya na rin ako at hindi nila napagdiskitahan ang dalawang klasikong eksena sa Starzan —

CLASSIC SCENE ONE: The first honeymoon night of Jane (Zsa Zsa Padilla) and Starzan where they waved goodnight to their followers who were standing below the tree house. As soon as the newlyweds entered the tree house, there was a deafening silence; the natives looked at each other, then suddenly and simultaneously, they all started to dance and chant, “HALA BIRA! HALA BIRA!”  

CLASSIC SCENE TWO: The famous scene where Starzan was going down the tree house (his back to the camera) and was carrying something heavy. Jane then asked, “Starzan, saan punta?” Exactly as he reached the ground, Starzan turned around (now facing camera — medium shot — from chest up) and replied, “STARZAN PUNTA ILOG, HUGAS ITLOG!” (Then change to full shot revealing Starzan holding a big dirty egg!)

* * *

Here are more STARTOONS (see above) for Zoo Cool Bukol.

Writers: Joey de Leon and Jako de Leon

Guest Illustrators: Dennis Trillo and Marian Rivera