Great advice for the new year

While none of us knows what will happen in this new year, here are some rules that, if you and I would follow, will help ensure we’ll make it through 2013 in one piece:

• Don’t throw a brick straight up.

• Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

• Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.

• Don’t microwave yourself too often.

• Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets.

• If you’re on a ball field and someone shouts “Heads up!”, don’t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

• No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

• When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

• Don’t take long naps while driving.

You’re probably wondering, “What’s all this nonsense?” But these are not nonsense at all. They’re actually common sense! But the problem with common sense is, it’s not so common at all!

I laughed so hard when I looked at this material sent to me by friends. But there’s a lesson to be learned here if you look carefully enough. So here’s a look at someone’s New Year’s resolutions through the years. I just hope they’re not yours.

Resolution #1: Reading books

2006: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2007: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2008: I will read five books a year.

2009: I will finish The Pelican Brief.

2010: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2011: I will read at least one article this year.

2012: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

Resolution #2: Exercise

2006: I will get my weight down below 180.

2007: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2010: I will work out five days a week.

2011: I will work out three days a week.

2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Resolution #3: Finances

2006: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2007: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2008: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2009: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2010.

2010: I will be totally out of debt by 2011.

2011: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2012.

2012: I will try to be out of the country by 2013.

Resolution #4: Marriage

2009: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2010: I will not leave Marge.

2011: I will try for reconciliation with Marge.

2012: I will try to be a better husband to Dorothy.

Resolution #5: Weakness

2009: I will stop looking at other women.

2010: I will not get involved with Dorothy.

2011: I will not let Dorothy pressure me into another marriage.

2012: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #6: Career

2009: I will not let my boss push me around.

2010: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2011: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2012: I will tell Dr. Phil and the group about my boss.

Resolution #7: Peers

2009: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2010: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2011: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2012: I will not speak to Charlie.

Resolution #8: Vices

2009: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2010: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2011: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

2012: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #9: Oral hygiene

2009: I will see my dentist this year.

2010: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2011: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2012: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

And now we go to Resolution #10: Spirituality

2009: I will go to church every Sunday.

2010: I will go to church as often as possible.

2011: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2012: I will try to catch the sermon in the Internet after watching the Pacquiao fight.

We always pay for the choices we make. So make sure you make the right choices this year.

A happy and a productive 2013 to you and your family!

(Attend “Inspiring Excellence” on March 1, 2013 at the SMX Convention Center. Learn best practices and be inspired from the industry’s best featuring Butch Jimenez, Alex Lacson, Chinkee Tan and Francis Kong. For further inquiries, contact Inspire Leadership Consultancy Inc. at 632-6310912.)