Celebrations of love

Ash Wednesday falling on Valentine’s Day or vice-versa has become an interesting topic recently. Depending on one’s perspective or faith, the day of hearts could take precedence over the day when we are reminded that we came from dust and unto dust we shall return.

Strictly speaking, Ash Wednesday is meant to be a somber time. In the Catholic realm it signals the 40-day season of Lent, which culminates in Holy Week when we reverently remember the passion, death and resurrection of Jesus. Yet, in the book “Entering the Silence, The Journals of Thomas Merton,” my favorite spiritual writer’s journal entry on Feb. 11, 1948 reads: “Everybody is happy in the monastery and ready for Lent.”

Merton noted that the Trappists’ hermitage in Kentucky was still blanketed with snow, their Ash Wednesday “liturgy is serious” and there was an even stricter fast to follow. But the mystic monk discounted the bleak winter surroundings and gladly wrote, “it is nice that God makes us cheerful at the beginning of Lent.”

Last year, while walking to St. Patrick’s Cathedral for Ash Wednesday mass, I saw what could perhaps equate to Merton’s cheerfulness of the first day of Lent. I was impressed by the line snaking from inside the church spilling over beyond the steps down to the streets. I later learned such is a familiar sight at St. Patrick’s every Ash Wednesday.

Regardless of one’s religion, anyone who wishes to experience the imposition of ashes is welcome to receive one while those who recognize the significance of the day go straight to the nave for the obligatory mass and ash. “It’s a big thing here in New York,” a sister in faith said. I see this as a witness to inclusiveness, which the church here wishes to extend to all.

While listening to a podcast on love, marriage and relationships recently, the priest-counselor mentioned a breakthrough study involving 36 questions that helped couples start or rekindle their relationships or remain in love. The priest mentioned that the 36 questions, when used as prompts in a conversation, triggered heartfelt discussions, especially now that face-to-face communication is a treasured activity amidst our hyper digital world.

Intrigued, I read the downloadable copy of the research paper. Undertaken more than 20 years ago here in New York by a psychologist named Arthur Aron, the experiment was initially aimed at “creating closeness.” Aron and his co-researchers crafted 36 questions divided into three sets. An example in the first set of questions is, “For what in life do you feel most grateful?” A question in the second set is, “What does friendship mean to you?” The third set has this, “Tell your partner something that you like about them already.” Pairs were chosen to participate in the experiment, which initially found out that the 45-minute interaction using the task cards i.e., asking each other the 36 questions, led to relationship building and for others a sense of intimacy.

Taking inspiration from this study, an academic wrote an essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” for The New York Times more than nine years ago. It attested how using the 36-question technique with someone she already knew eventually led to love. In her analysis, the way the questions were crafted – from innocent to more exploratory, especially those that touch on one’s sensitivities – made each of them vulnerable, thereby allowing them to peek into each other’s soul, which led to intimacy then love.

I noticed that the piece was written a month before Valentine’s Day. Serendipitously, I listened to the podcast days before I was reflecting on Ash Wednesday falling on Valentine’s Day and vice versa. I asked my friends and siblings about Valentine’s and most of them shunned their plans in favor of attending mass. I thought of seeking the perspective of someone in authority about how Catholics could view the twin celebration.

A few years ago, I had the honor of interviewing Archbishop Jose Palma of the Archdiocese of Cebu for my book project. With the help of our priest-friend, Fr. Bob Ebisa, I thought of requesting for the good archbishop’s thoughts again, which he kindly and graciously shared through email. He opines: “Both Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day are celebrations of love. The point here would be that Ash Wednesday has offered a way to celebrate love. And this celebration I would say is both formative and informative.”

And because Ash Wednesday is a day of fasting and abstinence, I find Archbishop Palma’s views on this preparation particularly meaningful. He says: “Fasting and abstinence are practices that promote sacrifice for the sake of the beloved. Those who truly love ‘fast and abstain from many things they love’ to give what is best for the beloved.” His examples of sacrifice resonate well in our society today: “Parents who work abroad just to give a better quality of life to those left behind, teachers who let go of their vacation time or rest day to give the best preparations for their learners, journalists who went out of their comfort zones just so truth would prevail and so on.”

For Catholics who are still undecided on how to celebrate Valentine’s this is the good archbishop’s advice: “Those who have reached their majority, which is 18-60, the general norm is to do fasting and abstinence during Ash Wednesday. Cultural sensitivity to secular celebrations such as Valentine’s Day does not permit exemption but redirection. Redirection means doing it another day.”

As a Catholic and someone who has somehow downplayed Valentine’s (blame it on consumerism) yet still tries to empathize with those who value the day (pun intended), I think of how the essence of each event unites. The ash, in a shape of a cross on one’s forehead, and the heart, possibly in the form of chocolate or flowers when given to a beloved, are to me both symbols of love.