Christmas memories

Near 10 p.m. last Friday, a mall in my part of town was still full of shoppers, with many bringing with them children and fur babies.

It was heartening to see many elderly folks also with their families.

Christmas is for children, but this season my mind is on the elderly as I care for my mother, who is going through what Filipinos describe as second childhood.

It’s easy to love and care for young children; they’re adorable, they can be cute even when they throw a tantrum and wail like a firetruck siren.

“Cute” is rarely used to describe the elderly. And it can be wrenching to watch someone no longer able to perform normal activities because of cognitive decline.

The onset of dementia can be easily missed by household members. I’m no medical expert, and dementia has different types and stages. But I’m sharing my experience in hopes of promoting understanding of the affliction and bringing some cheer to families that are dealing with it in this season of joy.

Memory loss is a serious impairment. One may still be able to read, sing and recognize people, but the ideas may no longer be strung together to allow the enjoyment of TV shows and movies, for example, or to read the news much less a novel. Facial recognition is limited.

A typical symptom, apart from unusual forgetfulness, is personality change, usually for the worse. The person loses empathy and becomes selfish and overly sensitive, as if constantly besieged and on survival mode.

You can google the early warning signs in reliable medical websites.

What I’m sharing are the ways that have helped calm down my mother or prevent the violent outbursts that used to occur when I was still unaware of her cognitive problem.

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A person with dementia can be like a toddler, who cannot be left alone while awake for prolonged periods. Constant companionship is needed, and every question must be answered, every comment not ignored, even if it has been said multiple times.

But unlike a toddler, my mother remembers that at age 88, she deserves respect; she cannot be scolded or ordered around. She responds best when something is suggested in a calm voice, with a reminder about the benefit she can derive from a specific action.

For example, to encourage her to take a bath, she can be told that it will make her feel cool and prevent mouth sores that make eating difficult.

No matter how slow she might be in putting food on her plate, she likes to be able to do things on her own, including picking the bones off fish.

My mother knows she is losing her memory. I tell her not to worry about it because it’s normal with aging and everyone is headed in the same direction. If anyone teases her about it, I tell her to tell them that they, too, will soon get old: tatanda din kayo. It always makes her smile. She still appreciates jokes; she likes people with a sense of humor.

We’ve learned that she must not feel she is being physically restrained, even for her personal safety. If she wants to stroll outside the house, we let her, but always with a companion; it’s good exercise. Her arms can’t be held tightly; she thinks she’s being put on a chain or leash.

Find out what those with dementia might still find interesting; boredom comes easily. There are those who like gardening; others like pets. My mother enjoys the company of young children. And she likes the feeling of being useful, as she watches over her caregiver’s three-year-old daughter and now a second child, a newborn girl.

Some years ago, in one of her most traumatic periods when she was cast away by someone she loved who didn’t recognize her affliction, my mother had wailed, “I’m so useless!”

It was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. She has forgotten this, and the person who caused her grief. In a way I’m glad; some memories are better off lost, and some persons deserve to be forgotten.

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Reading about people in countries such as the US who are dealing with loved ones suffering from dementia, I think the elderly in our country are in a better situation, thanks to multigenerational households where younger members care for the grandparents and ease the loneliness of aging.

In our society, dementia is seen as a normal part of aging. The elderly with long-term memory are described as folks who are going through their second childhood. My mother’s memory is such that she often speaks these days in Hokkien, the language of her childhood used by her parents and amah.

I’m not sure if there has been any study about a trend in the Philippines toward nuclear families. But I am of the impression that younger generations seem to care less about their older relatives. Not everyone develops dementia. But what happens to those who do get it, but will not have families to care for them as they age?

In one of my trips to Japan, the country with the highest percentage of its population above age 65, one of the most depressing places that I visited was a center that provided high-tech premium care for the elderly.

The center used robots for a wide range of services, including carrying and assisting the elderly and directing physical exercises. They even had robot dogs that reacted in various ways to human touch, which would have been cute as toys for children, but which made me sad as I watched some of the elderly clutching the robot pets.

I remembered the center as I watched the exquisite K-drama Navillera recently. South Korea is also home to a large population of the elderly. The series, about a 70-year-old man with early onset Alzheimer’s who wanted to pursue his childhood dream of being a ballet dancer, touched me deeply.

Navillera made me decide that for this Christmas, instead of writing about children, I will write about those who, as my partner used to describe himself, are already at life’s pre-departure area.

My mother used to laugh at that joke. She doesn’t know my partner is dead; I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to worry about my grief.

What the elderly with dementia need are infinite patience, understanding and love. I hope this story about caring for them will help some elderly and their households have a merry, blessed Christmas.