The crisis of loneliness

An encounter and a series of New York Times articles kept me concerned about the crisis of loneliness. It is happening in a country that is so abundant in material wealth, where the people’s fundamental rights to food, health and education are secure. The article argued that loneliness may be compared to the fatal effects of smoking and drinking alcohol in large amounts everyday. It not only “crushes the soul” but is also destructive physically and mentally. Loneliness is prevalent not only among the elderly but all across generations.

The predicament is hurting America and hit me hard one day while I was at the lobby of the Philippine Center to meet a friend. She was in a conversation with an elderly kababayan who I reckon to be in her early 80’s and strides with the aid of a walker. Her companion, a few years younger than her, walks with a cane. They are neighbors, the companion said. The woman lives alone and suffers from memory lapses, so she accompanied her to renew her passport. They were unable to do so because she has to submit a necessary document. My friend advised them to seek assistance from a social worker. I sensed the sadness in her eyes. I imagined how lonely it must be to live alone, especially when one’s physical and mental faculties are faltering gradually. I felt an uncomfortable truth – the reality of aging while living in a faraway land. In a culture like ours where the elderly are taken care of and ably assisted by family and friends, seeing someone so helpless was heart-wrenching. I wish they could work on her travel documents soon so she could go home.

Amidst the glitter and glamor of the city that never sleeps is the painful reality that somewhere along the harried corners of the metropolis or inside cozy apartments are solitary images which not even the brightest summer sunshine nor the most dazzling city lights could illumine. Backed by research, interviews and alarming data on how isolation cut deep into the fabric of modern America, the NY Times article traced the roots of loneliness among the younger generation to factors such as social media and a culture of instant gratification. For the working class, it is all about keeping up with the Joneses. The higher the goal to elevate one’s economic status, the less time for real conversations, as in the case of families. For the elderly it is all about being relegated to assisted-living facilities (which can also be financially-draining for those with limited means) or worst, by simply being abandoned to the care of the staff.

The article suggested that America should learn from Britain’s experience, where the minister of loneliness (a post that totally amuses me), who was appointed a few years back, devised several antidotes to combat the social malady. Among the most effective remedy focuses on community engagements, where people regardless of age and gender gather for workshops, poetry reading, book discussion or any activity that will keep everyone talking and interacting. This reminds me of what I read from Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s book “Keep Sharp, Build a Better Brain at Any Age.” He recommends that while playing online games and puzzles stimulate the brain or keep one active, nothing beats the experience of belonging to a group to learn skills such as dancing, cooking, painting or playing a new instrument.

Trying to understand this so-called first world problems and their solutions, I thought of some of my friends who live alone and how, as a nomad, I sometimes experience pangs of loneliness. Two of my closest friends from my corporate days, who I reverentially address as “Miss” before their nickname, live on their own for many years now. They are a picture of “two less lonely people,” to borrow a line from a song. One has found joy in taking care of her dogs and tending her herb garden and fruit-bearing trees (she took a short course on composting and organic gardening at the UP Open University). In her garden, she communes with nature and as a Zen teacher she interacts with her students through face-to-face or virtual conversations.

The other friend is still active as a financial consultant, meets prospective clients and conducts sales calls. She would occasionally send her pictures attending family themed parties, reunions and corporate events garbed in eclectic costumes. Both my friends are a few decades older than me thus their wisdom, infectious laughter and sunny disposition make them a constant source of light.

A new-found senior friend here in New York happily showed photos of her recent birthday lunch with her multi-ethnic friends. “We are all widows,” she said. They call each other every morning “to check, baka may patay na,” she said good humoredly and with a genuine concern. We laughed at her candor yet, she said, it is an inevitable reality. She and her friends meet often in church, over lunches or events.

I now think of how, at this point in our society, loneliness does not appear to be a major concern yet because our culture and values allow us to keep in constant touch with our social networks or take responsibilities within our family systems. Besides, with our innate ingenuity as a people, there is no need for us to appoint a minister of loneliness (Japan followed Britain, Australia is considering one), or mark benches with “sit here if you are happy to chat with passers-by,” as in the case of a town in Northern Ireland, the NY Times piece also mentioned. We Filipinos are friendly, cheerful and chatty to the point of being nosy, therefore this is not necessary. What we perhaps need are more family-friendly parks, clean and safe public spaces for children, the youth and the elderly and community centers where people can learn and intermingle amidst a milieu of creative and fruitful interactions.