Itlog mo noy, collateral

I never realized how valuable a man’s balls are until Ferdinand Topacio, one of the lawyers of embattled former president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, offered one of his to Karen Davila as collateral.

 Topacio was interviewed on tv by Davila in connection with the Noynoy Aquino/Leila de Lima faceoff with the Supreme Court over the bid of Arroyo to travel abroad for medical treatment amid doubts she will not return to face accusations of wrongdoing.

 Davila asked Topacio how sure he was that Arroyo will return. Without batting an eyelash, Topacio told the woman to her face, and the nationwide tv audience as well, that he was so sure he was in fact willing to cut off one of his balls if she didn’t.

 “Ipatanggal nakin ang isa kong itlog,” Topacio said. Now, I do not know about Topacio. Maybe he has three balls that losing one won’t make a difference. But I really think his bravado just put him in a very precarious predicament.

 I am all out for Arroyo’s right to travel abroad, not because it is Arroyo, but because it is the right of everyone to do so. I am not 100 percent sure, however, that she will return. If in the off chance she does not, then Topacio will have one hell of a lot to pay.

 Remember that Arroyo already paid the two-million-peso bond required by the Supreme Court. For Topacio to up the ante by laying one of his balls on the chopping block, his “itlog” must be of considerable value indeed. Yet he could lose one on a stupid bet.

 Throughout the entire saga of the human race, we have been given ample hints about just how valuable the human “itlog” is. But until Topacio made his incredible offer, people probably just treated the human “itlog” too matter of factly to the point of almost getting irrelevant.

 But irrelevant the human “itlog” is not. As school kids, nothing strikes more fear in the hearts of little boys than to be threatened by the teacher: “Pitkan ko nang imong itlog ron.” Or more embarrassing than to be told in front of little girls that “nakita ang imong itlog.”

 So much about humanity revolves around the “itlog.” A good for nothing person is “gadako lang ang itlog.” A coward is “puti ang itlog.” A brave person is a person with balls. “Lagum og itlog” refers to a much-loathed person. A laggard or sloppy person is “bitay og itlog.” 

 Even religion is not insulated from “itlog” influences. This one, however, is a joke: “One day the Lord asked the disciples to bring with them a piece of stone. Judas, being lazy, brought a tiny pebble. The Lord turned the stones to bread. Judas slept hungry that night.

 “The following day, the Lord again asked the disciples to bring a piece of stone. This time Judas lugged along a huge rock. The Lord asked the disciples to throw the stones. The one who threw his stone farthest wins. Judas lost miserably.

 “On the third day, the Lord asked the same thing. This time Judas wanted to be sure and brought along a tiny pebble and a huge rock. At the end of their journey, the Lord said: The size of the stones you are bringing will be the size of your itlogs. Judas collapsed.”

 Balls bring man both pleasure and pain. I will not discuss the pleasure part, but better believe that getting hit on the balls, however lightly, can be very excruciatingly painful. That is why I wonder why the balls are where they are — so exposed to danger.

 By the way, I would be remiss, in the context of this article, if I did not make even a passing mention that the nickname President Aquino chose for himself — Pnoy — sounds like the word used to refer to a regular term duck egg, as opposed to “balut” which already has an embryo.