How ‘Time Out’ works with toddlers and preschoolers in public places

(Part 2 of a series on Time Out for toddlers)

My article last week showed the basic formula for “time out” discipline at home for the 1 to 2-year old toddlers. Before three, the child does not regularly follow instructions so “time out” discipline is needed. This will keep you from yelling, threatening or hitting your child.

First outing should be for teaching

Taking a toddler out to any place other than McDonald’s or Jollibee can be a challenging experience. Shopping trips to Rustan’s, where you will be passing counters filled with Noritake and Lalique crystals, is not advised. Save those excursions for yourself. Serious shopping takes serious thought, and while you are concentrating on your purchases, your little tot could wander off on an excursion of her own. Instead take her to the grocery or someplace you can give her complete attention.

Try to make your first trip as fun and educational as you can. It should not exceed a half hour and could be as little as ten minutes for younger children. Maybe just go and buy a magazine or get milk or juice. Choose a time when the store or restaurant is not very busy. The first outing should be for teaching, not for shopping or eating.

Rules should be explained before leaving the house or apartment as simple as possible and restated immediately before entering the “training area”. Some suggestions for rules include: STAY with mama or papa. Do NOT walk away alone. Do NOT pick up, touch, or play with things without permission from mama or papa. I will NOT buy you anything on this trip.

‘Time Out’ in public places

The last time Marilou put her daughter, Liza, in “Time Out” was in a Yamaha music store. Liza started screaming at the top of her lungs. Two saleswomen came over and stared at Marilou shaking their heads. Her husband quickly left the immediate area as Marilou broke out in a sweat. Although discipline in public places can be difficult, it is vitally important to follow through with “Time Out” no matter how many dirty looks you get. It is better to have a few days of misery than many miserable years of incorrigible behavior.

IN DEPARTMENT STORES – an uncrowded aisle facing a dull side of a display counter or a boring corner, the gift wrap or credit department area, rest room, or maternity section.

IN GROCERY STORES – the frozen food counter (Avoid the urge to put your child inside the freezer!), the farthest corner of the store, the walled side of the counter while you look at cards.

IN A PLACE OF WORSHIP – Take your child to the kid’s room or use a rest room off the lobby.

IN A RESTAURANT – Use the rest rooms or an empty booth.

AT A FRIEND’S HOUSE – Be sure to explain to your friend that you are using a new behavioral method and you may need to place your child in a chair or make him stand in a corner or hallway if he misbehaves. Ask your friend where one could be used.

DURING A LONG CAR TRIP. Review the rules with your child and set up your expectations before entering the car. Be sure to take along games or activities to do during the trip, as well as juice in tetrapaks and snacks. If you need to discipline your child, pull off the road to a safe stopping area and have your child serve the “Time Out” on the floor of the backseat.

If you use “Time Out” in a public place, it may take only half the normal time because this is very effective with children. Be strong.

Mealtime behavior problems

The following guidelines will result in pleasant mealtimes rather than anxiety-filled, tension-fraught meals that end in yelling and Tums for dessert. If your child breaks a rule, that’s “Time Out”.

Use “Time Out” only twice during any one meal. If there is a third disruption, the meal is over for your child. Take away his plate regardless of how much has been eaten. Do not make a big production over this. Be matter-of-fact about it.

Do not allow your child to eat anything until the next meal. If your child is hungry, that is a good sign that he will eat his meal. Do not think hunger means starvation. Hold out on dessert until the meal is finished. If he does not eat his meal, then do not give him dessert or snacks. If your child whines or persists, put him in “Time Out”. Do not nag, threaten, or give warnings during mealtimes.

Each child and each parent are different. The guidelines presented are just that – guidelines. Feel free to adapt them to your lifestyle and your child’s.

Dressing behavior problems

Dressing problems can leave a parent totally exhausted. A big mistake is to let your kids watch television or start playing with their toys before they are dressed. Trying to pull a three-year old away from a Disney video is not an easy task.

Set up dressing rules: NO TOYS, NO TV, and NO FOOD before you are dressed. Give extra praise and give a small reward if your child can get himself dressed (if he is old enough).

It is important to choose and set out his clothes the night before. In order for your child’s dressing routine to last no more than 20 to 30 minutes, you should set the timer each day for a week or so. If he is not dressed when the timer rings, you should finish dressing him, but do not talk to your child except to give instructions.

Bedtime behavior problems

It is 10 p.m., you and your husband have finally settled into bed. You start to cuddle. Suddenly a voice at your door says, “Mommy, I want some water.” You get up and get your toddler some water. You return and start to cuddle up again. Then, the voice at your bedroom door returns, “Mommy, I have to go pee-pee.” You jump out of bed and as you are about to climb in bed, “Mommy, there’s a monster in my room.” You get up, take your child in his room and spend 15 minutes chasing away monsters. When you return to your spouse, he is fast asleep. Cuddles are over. Another night of bedtime blues.

From the moment your child can get out of his bed or crib, pick a reasonable bedtime (7 to 8:30 p.m.) or naptime. Although you may want to allow a half-hour leeway on weekends, try to stay with the same bedtime until it becomes a habit.

About 30 minutes before bedtime, start “quiet time” during which your child should be occupied with quiet activities to calm and quiet him before he goes to sleep. Set up a bedtime routine. Put your child in bed, tell him good night and that you will see him in the morning. Turn off the light, leave the room, and close the door (optional). If your child likes a night-light, that is fine. If possible, stick to this routine even if you are on vacation.

Crying is extremely distressing for parents. After a while, your child learns that the littlest cry will get him attention. Do not give in. Do not get discouraged. Remember: Do not talk to your child after he is down for the night. Check his diapers (if applicable) quickly. If everything is ok, leave the room quietly. This method should work after less than a week.

In the morning, give lots of positive reinforcements to your child for staying in bed.

Listen and learn from your child

Many children whine because parents do not listen. They pretend to listen, but they do not and their child knows it. If you are preoccupied, tell your child, “Mommy or Daddy can’t listen now, but I will when I am off the phone.” Remember to spend a lot of time actively listening to your child, and “Time Out” your child when whining continues beyond your tolerance point. When listening to your child look at him eye-to-eye. Repeat what she said or asked. Let her express her thoughts even if you disagree. Do not interrupt and ask questions after.

By combining “Time Out” for whining with lots of positive attention when your child is talking, you will find that the time spent with your child is more pleasant for both of you – Not only will you be amazed at all the interesting things she has to say, but you will discover that the whining, which was an attempt to get your attention, will subside.

(The OB Montessori Toddlers class is offered at the Greenhills headquarters, #3 Eisenhower Street, Greenhills, San Juan – tel. nos. 7229720 to 27 loc 240 – and at Luxemburg Street, BF Homes International, Las Pinas City – tel. nos. 8223011 / 12).

(For more information or reaction, please email at [email protected])