Cabin Calamity

Over at Heathrow airport, a major calamity unfolded, as British authorities tried to meet a terrorist threat. Flights were restricted from leaving and entering London, and severe restrictions imposed for cabin luggage. I was going through the list of items allowed to be hand carried by passengers into the cabin when I realized - golly gee wow - there's absolutely no way I'm going to survive long haul flights.

To begin with - the list doesn't include cologne. Yes! We're not permitted those essential vials that allow you to mask your 'ten hours in a cramped position' smell, and make you feel just a tiny bit better. Oh sure, you can splash around in the plane's tiny bathroom and try to freshen up, but there's nothing like the superior feeling you get when you're walking down the aisle smelling real good, while the rest smell, well, like they're part of the great unwashed.

Now that cologne's been banned - what's a finicky passenger to do? Buy cheap ones usually purchased by fans of J. Lo from the duty free trolley? Ugh! I bet this is a sinister plot by the Miller sisters to boost duty free shop sales worldwide.

Then, the list says you can bring in contact lens holders, but no contact lens solution. Hello! Do they realize that you need scads and scads of solution to wash away all those impurities from your lenses? This means that once you decide to sleep and take off your lenses, you'll have to forego wearing contacts when you wake up. Oh, sure, you can try gently putting those lenses back, but you better make sure there's no eyelash trapped or, worse, an unglamorous protein blob in there. Once you get those between your lenses - you're dead. Time to put on those ugly spectacles.

Which brings me to the next item - the new rules allow you to bring glasses, but no cases. Meaning, you'll have to run the risk that your glasses are going to get scratched in your bag, since they're not hanging from the bridge of your nose. The logical solution here is walk through the x-ray (while wearing lenses), with glasses safely perched on the top of your head. That way you protect your glasses from the sure-fire scratch match inside your hand-carry bag.

Which brings me to the next complaint - the bag you can bring on board has to be see-through. If it's not see-through, they give you plastic bags to dump all your stuff in. So, everybody will see everything you bring. Everything. Including the brand of condoms and lube that you use.

Oops, my mistake. Condoms and lube are not included in the list - therefore not allowed to be brought aboard. Another radical change in our lives. Whereas before, there was always that tiny possibility of sex up in the clouds, now, the terrorists have taken that away from us. (Of course, one can always choose to have non-safe sex on the plane, but do I really want to promote unprotected sex?)

(On the other hand, nobody can fault you if you don't have protection with you. Is this a way for terrorists to conquer the western world - force everybody to make love without protection?)

Next item - female sanitary items are allowed, but you have to unbox them. Eew, how unglamorous to the ultra-max. Now you can check out the non-designer sanitary napkins the girl beside you is using. What a violation of privacy.

No lotions or hair gels allowed. So, your skin will get dry, and your hair will be a fright. Your best bet will be to steal into the business or first class section and try to cart away those mini-lotions they give away. Or, use option B, seduce a flight attendant (and hopefully he or she'll have brought protection with him or her) in exchange for body lotion, hair gel, and maybe, even cologne.

Really now, this is ridiculous. Did the terrorists even think about what kind of an impact they'd have on the aesthetic appearances of airline passengers when they threatened to blow up flights between London and New York?

This is what terrorism has wrought - those animals have affected our daily lives in various, almost subtle, ways and we've had to accommodate those changes (as well as fear).

Yes, this is one fundamental reason we should join hands against the terrorists - if only for beauty's sake.