The Lord is my dice

When we took Minor Orders, in Baguio, years ago, the ceremony was in Latin. The Bishop cut a lock of hair from the head of each young Jesuit, and the boy said: "Dominus pars hereditatis meae, tu es qui restitues hereditatem mean mihi."

The Lord is my lot. . . . . the Lord is my share. . . . .It was a Roman game. They put dice into a leather gourd, and when they shook it, one dice bounced out. That was you dice. . . . your lot. . . . .your share.

The whole sentence means: "The Lord is my lot. . . .He is the one who will restore my inheritance to me."

Our superiors said it very simply, but what they said was dynamite: "The priesthood is an irrevocable decision. . . . .You belong to God, and God belongs to you, forever. . . . .God is your lot. . . . . God is your share. . . . . .God is your dice, forever.

When a nun takes perpetual vow, she says: "I vow poverty, chastity, and obedience, until death."

And when a boy and girl are married, in the Catholic Church, they say:

"Grant us, O Lord

to be one heart and one soul

from this day forward

for better, for worse

for richer, for poorer

in sickness and in health

until death do us part."

The Catholic Church believes in the irrevocable decision – for the priest, for the nun, for the husband, for the wife. It means that – when they have trouble, as they certainly will – they should look for the solution everywhere, but not in the breaking of that bond.

Some things have to be stable. . . . . . Some things have to be permanent, . . . . There must be some solid ground beneath our feet, or we can not live.

Right now, many believe that it is impossible to make a permanent decision. All things change. Especially marriage. After six years, your whole body is different. You are another person. . . . . .So do not commit yourself forever.

One young girl, about to be married, asked me if it would be good – before marriage – to settle on the distribution of property, in case of separation. . . . . . so that there will be no quarrels, later.

If marriage is not a gift of your whole self, until death, come what may – it will never work. There should be only one bank account. The wife should know every centavo that her husband earns. And the husband should know everything that the wife earns. They should pool all their resources – one house, one home, one bed, one life.

In the United States, marriage is sometimes a loose partnership. The husband has his own income, his own bank account, his own car. The wife has her own income, her own bank account, her own car. They divide the responsibility: "You pay for this. . . . .and I’ll pay for that." This is one way of doing it - but in the United States 60 percent of the marriages have ended in the divorce courts.

From the marriage bond comes loyalty. It is the deepest loyalty in all the world – deeper than a man’s loyalty to the country. The country is only the rest of us - the unit of the Democratic state is the family. In the Communist system, the unit of the state is the individual – the state could send the Daddy to Laoag, the Mommy to Davao, and the children to Cebu. But in the democratic system, the state can not touch the family, except through the father. The family comes first.

A man’s loyalty to his wife is deeper than his loyalty to his employer, or to his friends, or to his father and mother. In the Old Testament and in the New it says: "For this shall a man leave father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one."

And a wife should defend her husband against all corners. If the Mommy says: "The trouble with that man you married is. . . . .one. . . .two. . . .three. . . . four. . . .five. . . ." And the wife is thinking "Yes!" And what is more:. . . . .six!. . . . .seven!. . . . .eight!. . . . nine!. . . . .ten! She should not say it! She should defend her husband, even against her mother.

And if a man is not loyal to his wife, it is hard to imagine whom he would be loyal to. . . . . if he abandons her, is there anyone whom he would not abandon? He was married on his word, on his honor. . . . When he breaks that word, does he have any honor left?

The argument, or course is: "But you just can’t do it!. . . . . . It is too hard!. . . . . ." The answer of Our Lord was: "With me, you can do all things. . . . . .Without me, you can do nothing. I am the vine, and you are the branches. If you remain in me, my life will flow through you, and you will live. But if you are cut off from me, you will wither and die. You will be good for nothing but to be thrown out on the road, to be trampled upon by men."

With the grace of God, there is nothing that we can not do. . . . . With prayer, all things are possible.

And God is fiercely interested in every marriage. The children. The poor children, when that marriage breaks. They are torn in two. They are frightened, panic stricken, lost. And God said, loud and clear: "So long as you do it to the least of these, my little ones, you have done it to me."

Our Lord did suggest a couple of ways to keep a marriage together. Through Saint Paul he said: "Let not the sun go down on your anger. . . . ."

It is not easy to make up in words, when you are angry, but I think that when a boy is married he should make a great resolution that for the rest of his life, until he dies, he will always kiss his wife goodnight.

And the wife should resolve that she will never turn away.

The wife will break this resolution first, because it is man’s resolution. When husband and wife are quarreling, and everything is all mixed up, all sixes and sevens - the man wants to settle it swiftly, cleanly, at once. Kiss his wife. Finished. Over and out.

But if a man has been mean to a woman, and she is hurt, she does not think that he can make up for all his wickedness just by kissing her. Nothing doing! When he tries to do this, she is apt to slap him, hard!

But she should allow him to kiss her, and she should try to forgive. . . . . at once. . . . .every night.

In all my experiences as a priest, I only met one young man who refused to make that resolution. He was married already. He said: "No. . . . . That is the duty kiss. . . . .I do not want to kiss my wife because I have to. . . . I want to kiss her because I want to. . . . Not out of obligation, but out of love."

That sounds good. . . . . But he did not kiss his wife for three years, because he never felt like it. He kissed many other girls, because he felt like it. . . . .but not his wife. And she died. The doctor did not write on the death certificate: "She died because he did not kiss her". . . . .but all their friends felt that this was a contributing cause. In women, 95 percent of their illness is psychosomatic. It starts in the soul.

If a man is angry with his wife, and storms out of the house, and slams the door, and is walking through the streets in the rain, but in his heart he is thinking: "If I turn away from her, I am turning away from God. . . . .In loving her, I am loving God. . . . .This is the whole drama of my creation - that I should love this girl.". . . . . If then he comes back home, and goes to her where she is crying on the bed, and kisses her. . . . .I think that this is much more beautiful than the kiss that springs from emotion. Love is in the will.

When a husband and wife quarrel, this does not mean that they no longer love each other. It only means that they see something from two different angles. They do a thousand things together. They can not possibly see everything in exactly the same way!

One bright sunny morning the husband says: "Honey, today we will do this!. . . . .The wife says, thoughtfully: "You know, that will not work." He says: "Sweetheart, it will!" She says: "Darling, it won’t!"

They both try to tell each other the truth, as they see it. Their voices rise. That is the quarrel.

As soon as the husband can talk, he should go to his wife and say: "I’m sorry." The husband objects, often: "But it is all her fault!". . . . .even if it is all her fault, the husband should say: "I’m sorry." When he says this, he does not withdraw the truth of anything he said. He only means: "I am sorry that we are quarreling. . . . .I am sorry that I hurt you. . . . .I am sorry that you are crying." And this is true! Is he glad that they are quarreling? Is he glad that he hurt the feelings of his wife? Is he glad that she is crying?

And when a man says: "I’m sorry," the wife should not snap: "You ought to be!" She should accept his apology. And then, if she wants to, she can say: "It was my fault."

The problem is when both husband and wife are too proud to admit that they were wrong. . . . . If you are convinced that you are always right. . . . . if you have never made a mistake. . . . .if you have never said: "I’m sorry. . . . ." I have news for you: you are a candidate for Mandaluyong.

There is no one who does not make mistakes.

Probably the best advice that Christ Our Lord gave, in the gospel, is to pray. He really promised: "Ask, and you shall receive. . . . . Seek, and you shall find. . . . . Knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

It was Patrick Peyton who said: "The family that prays together, stays together." He was thinking of the family rosary. And this is really a blessing. If husband and wife say the rosary together, it is hard to come out of that rosary fighting. If husband and wife pray together at any time, in any way, they are united by the grace of God.

The best prayer is the Mass, and Holy Communion. If a husband and wife go to Communion together, every Sunday, the chances of them staying together are high. A man can not turn away from his wife, unless he turns away from God, first. So long as he is loyal to God, he will be loyal to her.

The blood pact is a Filipino custom. The thought behind it is: "If your blood is flowing in my veins, and by blood is flowing in your veins, this will make us one."

That is Holy Communion. It is the blood of God flowing through the veins of husband and wife. By this they are united with God, and by this they are one with each other.

"Until death. . . . ." This is the promise. . . . .This is the vow. . . . This is the covenant. . . . . The drama of our lives is keeping that promise.

Of course, it is easy for me to talk, because I am not married. I’m a priest. It is much easier to be a priest than to be a married man. When things get tough, you just go back to the basics: "The Lord is my dice."