The joys of mid-life

Several years ago, the four Greenhills villages of San Juan and Mandaluyong were inspired to keep up the tradition of the Santacruzan with our teenage children. We thought our sons and daughters would be delighted — just as the haranas (evening serenades) and panliligaw (courtship), as well as the bakasyon sa probinsya (vacation in the countryside) thrilled us in our youth. But, they felt uneasy.

On Wearing Formal Gowns In A Public Parade

What did they object to? Each of them had to wear a long gown and portray a biblical character honoring the founding of the Holy Cross in Palestine. The younger ones did not mind dressing up as angels or the eight Ave Marias, despite the long procession around the shopping complex down to one of the villages for the salu-salo dinner.

On the third year, we parents, tired from persuading and cajoling our children — became the sagalas instead. That was memorable. Practically all of Metro Manila (friends and curious people) came to watch the parade of women in their thirties and forties, including ‘golden girls’. Unlike our teenage children, we felt elegant and comfortable wearing gowns and ternos. Although some of us went through a one-week crash diet, we knew we looked GOOD.

We felt in charge of ourselves. Finally, we were enjoying the joys of mid-life.

The Older You Get, The More Unique You Become

>"It takes a long time to become a person," Candice Bergen said in her autobiography, Knock Wood. "The older you get, the more unique you become. You become clearer about what you think, what you like and don’t like. You know who you are." According to experts, there are ten ways to get better as you get older:

YOU SMARTEN UP. Robin M. Henig, author of a medical research, How A Woman Ages, says, "If you continue reading, thinking and creating all of your life, your intelligence increases… If you’re given an intelligence test that demands background knowledge, vocabulary, logical thinking skills, and you are given enough time, YOU WILL SCORE BETTER AS YOU AGE."

You Are Allowed To Free Yourself

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FREE YOURSELF. One hits the ‘second age’ upon marriage in the ’20s — a period of raising kids, looking after the husband, and simultaneously building a career. You cannot say, ‘I don’t feel like it’, when the baby wakes up after midnight, or when you have to check the kids’ homework, or when your husband wants a change of menu.

When one hits the ‘third age’, the children have grown up and finally, women can focus on themselves rather than their children or husbands. Life frees one from full-time service to others’ needs.

In the ’20s, psychoanalyst Auchincloss says, "…You are still very influenced by your peer group. You are anxious of what people think of you. You compare yourself to everyone else."

Take Charge Of Your Health

At the ‘third age’, YOU TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR HEALTH, YOU FEEL YOUR POWER. Your lifestyle as much as your genes, determines how fast the change of age proceeds.

"Many of the physical problems we used to think of as accompanying age are delayed or even prevented now because we are in better health," says Robert Butler MD of the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York. "A lot of it has to do with commitment to yourself and your body."

After all, a fit, healthy 24-year old body is a gift most of us take for granted. A fit, healthy 50- or 70-year old body reflects a conscious decision we can take pride in.

Love Deepens

YOUR LOVE DEEPENS. As you get older, you become more secure in your relationships. You can understand your husband better so that you can match his temperament.

Gerontologist Janet K. Belsky says, "If you have a good marriage, the chances are your marriage will get even better after the children leave the house." Studies of marriage and romance later in life, for the widowed or separated, find that they are more fulfilling than marriages of people in their twenties.

Why? "Older people have a great deal of experience in loving," says P. L. Berman, author of The Courage to Grow Old. "They have figured out what isn’t love and what is. They have moved beyond the merely physical."

Love Widens

Monsignor Fahey of Fordham University’s Third Age Center, which studies the creative possibilities of later life, observes that older people fear being isolated. "If you let it happen, your world can shrink. Consider instead the rich network of lifelong friends, acquaintances and an extended family."

Becoming grandparents is an altogether different experience. ‘Do you know why we enjoy being lolo and lola?’ a new grandparent mused. ‘Because you can play with the kids or be charmed by their antics. Then, you can send them back to their parents to wipe off their dirt or attend to their ailments.’ There is also a new zest for living when a new generation arrives.

Your Generosity Increases, While Stress Diminishes

YOUR GENEROSITY INCREASES. When a person reaches the middle age, he or she can become more compassionate to the needs of others. He is more likely to respond to an appeal for charitable donations. Older people also make a higher-level of contribution of ideas, thoughts and love.

YOUR STRESS DIMINISHES. At this time, there is a general decrease in stressful life events, such as moving and changing jobs. There are also fewer dramatic biological changes such as puberty and pregnancy.

You Toughen Up, But Mellow Out

YOU TOUGHEN UP. We cope better. By the time you reach the age of 50 or 60, you have been fired or failed in business, gone through a separation or have lost a loved one — and you have survived. Therefore, psychologically, you are tougher.

YOU MELLOW OUT. Older people are more able to tolerate the silliness of life that makes younger ones miserable. Dr. Steven P. Rose of Columbia University cites the brain’s alarm system, a center involved in arousal, anxiety and fear, as starting to shrink and lose function at the age of 40.

Motivation Increases And The Spirit Comes Alive

YOUR MOTIVATION INCREASES. "While older people are free to spend their time the way they want, they also know that they have less of it," says Berman. "That makes them more aware of how precious time is and more discriminating about how they use it."

Gratitude deepens. When you were younger, you took life and health for granted. With age, you cherish life more, and feel that you are lucky to be alive.

And, finally, YOUR SPIRIT COMES ALIVE. You cannot run as fast as you once did. You feel physical limitations. Yet, the spiritual side of you becomes much stronger. You take time to reflect and make sense of your life experiences. For most of us, it becomes a deepening of the religious faith and "a greater development of interior life", Monsignor Fahey concludes. In other words, we obtain wisdom.

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