'I enjoy being a girl!'

Natapos na rin unang SONA sa Batasan

Ng bagong Pangulong Noy ating natunghayan,

Kanyang talumpati medyo okay lang naman,

Ngunit kapansin-pansing nagmamadali lang.

Kaya sa umpisa hanggang sa mamaalam

Maraming salita ang mga sumalekwang,

May hinahabol ba? Sana ay dahan-dahan,

Para bang ang speech ginamitan ng wang-wang!

Sa mga coverages ng mga himpilan —

Dapat bang mga suot pa ang pag-usapan?

At bakit, Oscar Awards ba ang kaganapan?

Parang showbiz event — pikchuran nang pikchuran.

Sabi ng kausap ko eh sayang daw naman

Ang mga pinatahi at pinagawang gown,

Kaya sa susunod na magkaron tayo n’yan,

Let’s just call it Fashion Statement Of The Nation!

FASONA — o hindi ba ang ganda? FASONA,

Tutal ang mga dating simple la’y paso na,

At tutal din naman daw may “Address” sa SONA,

Alisin lang ang “AD” nang “DRESS” na lang matira.

Lalabas: Fashion Statement Of The Nation Dress!

O hindi ba ang dating ay showbiz na showbiz?

Tapos gawing reporters — Abunda at Solis,

And do not forget to have a “Darling Of The Press!”

Ngek!

Parang sa Pilipinas lang yata uso ‘yan,

Amerika ba’y ganyan sa State Of The Union?

Papormahan, pabonggahan at paistaran,

Sana ang bihisan nang maganda’y ang bayan.

Mas maganda nga siguro’t kagalang-galang

Kung iisa suot; pare-pareho lamang,

Parang sa Wimbledon puti’t pantay-pantay lang

At hindi ‘yung parang karnabal ng sabungan.

Kulay hibla ng abaka’y kay inam tingnan,

Malinis na malinis; sariling atin lang,

Masdan mo sa malayo kanyang kabuuan,

Makikita pagkakaisa’t kagandahan.

Baro’t saya sa babae ay maalindog,

Pagagandahin pa ng simpleng nakapusod,

S’yempre ang kabunyi-bunying Barong Tagalog,

Ano mang habi ‘wag lang may biyak sa likod.

Teka nga’t bakit ba ako nakikialam

Kung ‘yan nga ang gusto n’yo at magpayabangan?

Bahala kayo! Isaksak n’yo sa SONA ‘yan!

Oo, sa SONA n’yo — baligtarin n’yo na lang.

ANUS, este ANOS ... he, he, he ... ayos!

* * *

While exercising on my treadmall two weeks ago, — what? I have a wrong spelling of my exerciser? Of course not! T-R-E-A-D-M-A-L-L, treadmall — that’s what I call my only physical fitness regimen now — walking inside malls. In short, treadmall!

But in this particular routine, health needs wealth — because while I extend good health while walking, I also spend a good sum while shopping. Ngek!

Seriously, a treadmill is a device with an endless belt. Now, hindi kaya ‘yun ang reason why Greenbelt is called Greenbelt? Pwede. 

Anyway, going back to my story — as I was treading the hallways of Edsa Shangri-La Plaza Mall, my wife Eileen noticed the Jewelmer shop and pointed to me actor Piolo Pascual’s tarp showing him modeling a South Sea pearl choker neck piece and a bracelet. And trying to fully catch my attention, she said, “Naks naman Daddy o, si Piolo naka-pearl o!”  

To which I immediately shot back, “Ano ka ba naman, nakalimutan mo na ba? Ako ang unang-unang lalaking nagsuot ng perlas sa showbiz! Macho character pa!”

In the ‘80s when I did my three blockbuster and record-breaking Starzan movies (record talaga ‘yun dahil the three movies were shown within a period of one year — January to January), I was wearing not just one piece, but a string of pearls around my neck! I was not just the “Shouting Star of the Jungle,” but also the “Pearl of the Jungle.”

In truth, “Pearl of the Jungle” would be the sub-title of Starzan IV wherein a witch doctor would have turned me into a screaming gay jungle hero. The other suggested title was Starzan, Ano Ba ‘Yan? The line “Ano Ba ‘Yan?” was in vogue that time. But I liked “Pearl Of The Jungle” better. I ended up selling the title Ano Ba ‘Yan? for a few dollars to Orly Ilacad. Yes, dollars, because I was leaving for the United States then. Unfortunately, Starzan IV never took off — and the rest is... peace for Starzan’s partner Cheetah-eh.  Ngek!

“Ano Ba ‘Yan?” was eventually given life twice (nag-Part 2 pa kasi) by my good friend Vic Sotto.  

Teka, ano ba ‘yan? Parang napunta na ‘yung kwento ko tungkol sa perlas kung saan-saan ah. Basta, if you think Pearly Piolo is the trailblazer among men today using accessories that are usually used by women only, then you’re wrong. Ako ‘yun!

Kaya n’yo ‘to? I used to wear a blue gold heart-shaped pendant I purchased from Harrod’s in London. Sosyal ang bakla! 

And even before that, in the ‘70s, I was wearing a butterfly ring and pendant. And yes, the diamonds were really butterfly cut — each butterfly was actually cut from a single stone. Rare itis. But don’t worry, I gave the earring set to my wife Eileen.

And wait, there’s more — I think I’m one of the first few men in Manila to wear a Chanel watch. Mismo! Pumila ako noong unang lumabas itong J12 Marine ko. 

And sa totoo lang, from the time I gave birth to Indoy Budidoy, Helen Bola and the other women I “wronged” in television and the movies, I have been enjoying “doing” them. I really enjoy every second of labor I give them. It’s true, I enjoy being a girl. 

And that’s my SOSO — State Of Sexual Orientation.

Ngek!